We Met On The Train

43.

Shawn Mendes
It broke my heart to leave her.
It broke my heart to read all the articles that were being written about her. I couldn't imagine what her friends and family are going through.
Her Mum was in Canada and stayed with her daughter for most of her day. I tried to avoid her as much as I could. I didn't know if she would blame me or not. I couldn't take it if she blamed me.
My friends didn't blame me. Some said she was a troubled girl from the beginning, which I didn't respond positively to.
None of them saw. They didn't see her for who she really was. So they could never understand.

I had been back on tour for a week.
Each night was hard.
I refused to answer any questions about her or what happened.
I felt guilty every time I felt truly happy.
The flying from tour back to Toronto then back on tour was hard. But I did it for her.

"Shawn?" Andrew said sticking his head into my dressing room.
I looked up at him.
"Her mums on the phone" he sighed and I furrowed my brow.
He handed me his phone and I saw that her mum was there.
Even from through the phone I could tell how tired and upset she was.
"Hi Shawn" she breathed and I sighed
"Hi"
"I thought it would be best to have a talk. You're never at the hospital when I'm there so I had to ring" she said. " I just wanted to start by saying that I don't fully blame you for what's happened"
I couldn't hold in my tears.
"She made that decision Shawn, and while yes you're actions played a part in it it's not your fault. It's her own for thinking she couldn't just text you or see you. It's the cruel people on social media's fault for the comments they made to her. And it's her own fault for taking the pills" she said.
"I never meant to hurt her. I hate myself for even being partially to blame for this. I miss her" I cried.
"I know. You're a good man. But don't expect her to just be normal after this. She'll be extremely fragile, and down, she might only want to talk to certain people" her mum explained and I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "They're moving her back to a centre in London when she's recovered. She can't stay in Toronto Shawn, this has now become a bad place for her"
"I know. I was expecting that. Would I still be allowed to see her?"
"I'm not stopping you. It's whether she wants to see you"
I sighed and there was a lull in the conversation.

"She loves you" her mum whispered. "She loves you so much. And that's why she couldn't bare it"
"I love her. I was just an idiot" I sniffed.
"I know you love her. She's going to need you. Especially after all these articles have been written about her, and I've seen some posts about her from some of your friends, which I don't agree with by the way"
"I've tried to get them to take them down. I've already had that argument with them about the fact they don't actually care. They just do it to seem nice" I explained.
"Its going to be a wild ride"
"I promise I'll be there for her whenever I can" I said.
"I know"

"I'm really sorry to interrupt but I've just had a phone call from the doctor and he's said that she's awake" Dad said coming in.
"Is she awake?" I asked her mum down the phone.
"Yes. She woke up about ten minutes ago. That's why I rung you in the first place" she said and I nodded.
"I'll get the first flight I can"
"Ok Shawn. See you soon" she said before I hung up the phone.

"Andrew I have to go" I said as he drove.
"I know. That's why I'm driving you both to the airport" Andrew sighed.
"You are? I thought you were driving us to the hotel"
"No. You're going to see her" he said and I nodded.

As me and Dad sat on the plane, I couldn't help but think about her. What was she thinking? Was she ok? Did she remember what happened? Does she hate me?
"Stop panicking son" Dad said shaking my leg.
"I can't help it"
"I know this is a big thing Shawn but you have to see it as a positive. She's awake and she'll be on the mend soon" he explained but I shook my head.
"I don't think she'll be mended for some time" I sighed.
"But there's hope for her. We just have to be there for her when she needs and when she wants" he said and I nodded.
"What if she doesn't want to see me?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"You wait until she wants to. Don't just go off again with someone else now that this has happened." He said and I hung my head.
"I won't. It was a mistake. I got caught up in it all" I sighed.
"I know. But if she doesn't want to see you immediately then allow it. You just have to wait"

It was around six in the morning by the time we landed, and seven by the time we got to the hospital.
"Shawn" mum said hugging me tight.
"How is she?" I breathed.
"She's, she, I, I don't really know how to explain it" She stuttered.
"She's nothing. That's what. There's nothing there" Faiths mother said, walking up to us, gesturing to her eyes and her heart.
"Would she want to see me?" I whispered trying not to cry.
"She's not speaking to anyone properly. The occasional word is all we're getting from her" she sighed. "You can try"
"Ok"
"Shawn," She said holding my arm, "don't be disappointed if she wants you to leave"
I nodded and walked to her door. It was open and I could hear the machines beeping.

I slowly poked my head round the corner and I watched for a few seconds as she stared at the ceiling.
I knocked on the doorframe but her head didn't move.
Her face was still pale, and the purple was still prominent, but the blood had gone from her cheek.
"I don't want more flowers" she whispered.
"I didn't bring any. I just came off the plane" I said and I saw her eyes close, and tears started to fall from her closed eyes.
I stood fully in the room.
"Shawn" she whispered and I didn't know whether to move or whether I should just stay where I was.
I didn't know what to say.
"why?" was all I managed to push out. "Why would you do that?"
"Love" She said through her tears, "I loved you so much and you forgot me. You were moving on. I was here isolating myself, waiting for you. I'm pissed off that it didn't work" she cried. "Now I have to watch you do it all over again"
"No. No." I said getting on my knees at her bedside. "I'm all about you. I promise to be by your side through every step now. You want me to cancel the tour, I'll cancel it." I said and she shook her head.
"What's done has been done. There's nothing you can do" she said.
"Look at me" I said and she slowly moved her eyes to mine, and I saw her eyes were all bloodshot , "I will do everything I can to make you see that I'm all about you. I'm not leaving you."
"I want my mum in here please"
She said and her mum, who seemingly heard, came running in.
"Is everything ok?"
"I'm trying to show her that she's my everything now" I cried.
"I know. Faith, he's been at your beside every chance he can. He's been flying from all over America back to you" her mum said but Faith scoffed.
"He's the one that forgot me. He's partially why I'm in this place! Machines strapped to my chest! Half my natural weight! So fucking depressed I didn't want to be here anymore!" She shouted, and with those words, I felt my heart break.