We Met On The Road To Recovery

1.

Faith Elizabeth
"So, Miss Elizabeth, how are you doing today?"
"Better"

I wasn't allowed to be left on my own.
I always had to keep the door open.
I had to have my room checked every week.
I had therapy every Tuesday and Friday.
If I missed the therapy, I knew I would be chucked right back in to rehab.
The lack of privacy was the worst part of this ordeal.
No.
I lied.
The way people now saw me as the girl who tried to take her own life. That's the worst thing.

The therapists room was dull.
The cream walls needed a new coat of paint, the books needed replacing, the purple curtains stuck out like sore thumbs. The light was too low for my liking, and the lack of a single window made me nervous.
I fiddled with the sleeves of my grey jumper in my sweaty hands. I picked at the fibres, moved my rings on my fingers, put my hair in a ponytail and took it down again. I redid the laces on my shoes. I did anything I could to avoid the eye of the woman sat before me.

Her nails were too long and her hair was a bleached blonde.
But her voice was calming and she actually listened.
The only reason I came to these sessions was so I didn't have to go back into rehab.
Then again it wouldn't be so bad. At least I would get more privacy there than I do at home.

"How have you been coping? How long is it now?" Teresa, my therapist asked.
"It's been a month and I'm fine. I hate the lack of privacy." I sighed.
"You know why you can't have privacy. It would drive your mother up the wall" She smiled and I sighed again.
Mum has been terrified ever since the incident. She would always text me and ring me even if she was just downstairs.
If I didn't pick up, she would lecture me for a good hour each time, saying the same speech over and over.
I guess I couldn't blame her.

"What about friends? How have they been with you?" She said and I shrugged.
"Ok I guess. I mean, they're going to go to university and I can't go, so they come and see me whenever they can." I said and she nodded, making notes in her little book.
"What do you see yourself doing in the future?" She asked.
She asked this question at the end of every single session without fail. I never knew what to say. I didn't know.
"I'll tell you again. I don't know." I sighed and she smiled shaking her head.
"One day I'll get an answer and all of these sessions will be over." She said and I nodded.

I walked out of the therapy clinic and ran to get into Mums car. She would rarely let me drive now, and kept my keys securely in her purse so I couldn't get to them.
"So, How was it?" Mum asked, and I shrugged.
"Same as usual I guess" I sighed and she nodded.
We drove in silence all the way home, and as we stepped in the house I was met by my stepdad asking if I needed anything, as he always did when I stepped back into the house.

Dinner was always an awkward time for me.
I still wasn't able to eat properly. My meals usually consisted of a smoothie or a protein drink, and a few tiny items of proper food.
It was an improvement from having to be kept on a drip.
But this dinner was more eventful than any dinner we had had since I had been released.
"So, Faith. I've had a call today, from Karen, Shawn's Mum. It's his birthday soon and she wanted to invite us to his surprise party they're having in New York for him?" Mum asked and I almost choked on my drink.
Shawn has checked up on me a few times while I've been out. He's been so busy so he couldn't come to see me.
But I hadn't thought about Shawn a lot. In truth, I had been trying to focus on myself. Something I should have done a long time ago.
"Faith? What do you think?" Mum asked and I felt a churn in my stomach.
"I-I don't know. Can I think about it?" I asked and Mum smiled.
"Of course."
"Are you and Shawn not ok now?" My stepdad asked and my cheeks felt hot.
"We've not really spoken" I confessed and I saw a twinge in his eye.
"That boy. Never keeps to his word. I'll snap him in half" my stepdad growled and I rolled my eyes.
"No you won't. Maybe it's for the best. I'm focusing on myself now" I sighed, but deep down I did wish that it didn't have to be this way.

I lied to mum by saying I was tired.
I wasn't really.
I just wanted to be alone.
The news about Shawn's birthday had thrown me off guard.
I didn't think the family thought about me anymore. Not that I cared now. I had learned that I couldn't be concerned about what Shawn did anymore. We weren't together anymore, and I wasn't sure if we were even friends, so I couldn't blame him for not seeing me.
I thought about him most days. I thought about the good days we had.
I thought about the music video we had together, though I never watched it, and I thought about the time he came to prom, and the time we had a picnic on stage.
If I didn't watch videos and read celebrity news I would have no idea what he was doing. I wouldn't even remember his voice.

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths in and out, trying to fall asleep.
My mind was too preoccupied with the thought of Shawn's birthday.
What would happen if I went?
Would he want me to be there?
What would people say?
I heard footsteps outside my room and kept my eyes fixed shut on hearing my mums voice.
"I'll check, no I'm sorry, she's just gone to sleep , I can get her to call you back at some point? Or you can call again tomorrow? Yes, yes that's fine. Ok. I'll talk to you tomorrow" Mum said walking away from my room.
Who on Earth was trying to talk to me at this time of night?