We Met On The Road To Recovery

26.

Faith Elizabeth
"Why didn't you tell me?"

I didn't know how I was meant to respond.
What do I say?
What could I say?
"Faith?" He said and I shook my head trying to bring myself back into the conversation.
"I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't even know myself" I whispered and hated the fact that my voice shook as much as it did.
"You could have told me that someone was following us" he sighed and I had to take a moment to decipher whether he was mad at me or not.
"I didn't know." I said simply. "Are you mad at me?" I asked.
"No! No no I'm sorry I'm not mad at you. I'm just scared. I'm scared for you and your mum. I'm scared for myself" he said and I sighed with relief but also understanding.
I was terrified as well as he was.

I tried to rack my brain for memories of my father.
I could barely remember what he looked like, what he sounded like, how he acted.
Maybe it was him that made my head less logical than I would like it to be.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound annoyed." Shawn said and I smiled to myself.
"It's ok. I'm just scared. It's all just come at once really. Fate has definitely not been on my side these past few months" I sighed.
"I know. Do you need me to come back and stay with you? Do you want to come and stay with me for a while?" He asked and a slow shiver travelled across my back.

The thought of being in his house again, in his room again, made me sick.
It made me feel lightheaded to the point where I had to sit myself down on the sofa.
A flashback of that day came into my head and I had to close my eyes and picture something else just to stop the feeling that I was going to pass out.
"No" I said quickly.
"What? Why?" He said and I felt a tear rolling gently down my cheek.
"I can't be in that house. In that room." I whispered, not wanting my upset to be noticed by him.
"Wh-, oh, oh god." He gasped.
"I can't" I said.
"No no you can come to my place. Remember? I have my own place. You don't have to go to my parents house. You don't ever have to do that" he said quickly and I took a deep breath to calm my thoughts.
I did remember.
And yet in the spur of the moment, in the midst of the panic I had completely forgotten that Shawn had his own place.

"Oh-oh I forgot that you had y-you're own p-place" I stammered out after a moment of composure.
"I do. And if you ever feel like you wanted to come here I promise I will be here with everything you need ok?" He said and I couldn't help but smile through the tears. "Are you crying? What's wrong?"
"I just, through all this recent pain I've been through and, you've just been there for me. It's overwhelming" I explained.
"It's the least I can do for everything that's happened in the past" he said.
"So, What are your plans for the next few weeks?" I asked wiping away the remaining tears that lingered on my cheeks.

He didn't respond immediately.
Instead I heard an elongated breath escape his lips.
"Is everything ok?" I asked.
Another elongated breath.
"Well, I'm actually going to have lunch with Camila in a few days when she's back here" he said.
I couldn't get disappointed.
Shawn wasn't my boyfriend.
Though I wanted him to be, he wasn't.
And I wasn't some crazy girl going to stop him seeing his friend.
"Oh ok" I said, my voice still croaky from crying.
"Is that ok?" He asked.
"You probably have a lot to talk about and you're friends. I'm not going to stop you from seeing your friend" I said.

Yet something in me was telling my head that it wasn't going to be ok.
"So it's ok?" He asked.
"Yeah of course" I said, not believing the words that came out of my mouth.