We Met On The Road To Recovery

22.

Faith Elizabeth
It was as if something had taken over my body.
All the emotion I felt inside me poured out into that one kiss.
The sadness and grief I felt over Ben.
The surprise I felt over shawn being back.
The confusion over what he was telling me.
The underlying love I had for him.
It all came together in one move of insecurity and passion.
It was quick. I made sure of that.
And yet I craved more. I craved the feelings that the kiss took away. I craved the feeling of the kiss.
In that moment he was the world. I forgot about everything else for a split second and just focused on the feeling.

As I pulled away quickly I watched as Shawn slowly opened his eyes and kept his lips slightly parted.
I covered my mouth with my hands and then buried my whole face into my hands.
"Shit" I whispered and hung my head.
I couldn't tell now if the kiss had been wrong.
The majority or me wanted to kiss him.
The other part of me just wanted the pain to slide away for a moment.
He said nothing and I dared not look at him.
"I'm sorry" I whispered.
Then I got the response my anxiety needed.
"What are you sorry for? There's absolutely nothing you need to be sorry for" he said and rubbed my back with his hand. "Hey" he said and I slowly lifted my head to look at him.
"Hm?" I said.
"You're so beautiful" he said and I saw tears start to make his eyes glassy. I frowned and put my hand on his back as he used his to wipe his eyes.
"What's wrong?" I whispered and ran circles over his back with my hand.
"Just being here now and seeing you like this I just realise what I must have done to you. The pain I just have caused you. I hate to think that once, I was the one who was making you cry like this" he cried and my heart hurt that he was feeling this on his shoulders.
"Oh Shawn"
"No it's true. I hate myself for it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret everything I've ever done that hurt you" he cried and I sighed.
"Shawn you did hurt me. A lot. But I'm getting better. I'm getting help to be stronger" I said and he shook his head.
"If it weren't for me you wouldn't need the help in the first place" he groaned.
"I probably would. I'm a fucking nutter" I said and cracked a smile before he scoffed and we both fell into a small pool of laughter. "But seriously, if you are, like you said, here to stay then I believe you."
"I am. I promise. I promise with all my heart that I'm here to stay. Anything you need I'm here" he said and I felt myself blush.

Shawn stayed the whole day and into the evening.
"Can I talk to you about, Ben?" I sighed as we both sat outside in the garden on the outside chairs. I cuddled into my blanket and he nodded.
"Of course. Just take your time" he said and I closed my eyes.
"Ben was the first person to talk to me at the clinic. He sort of made it feel better to be there. I trusted him straight away. We talked about anything and everything. He was lovely." I said and wiped away the tears. "But it all changed. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. And I said I couldn't. I just couldn't. And I blame myself for his suicide. If I had only written to him or gone to see him" I cried and Shawn immediately took me into his chest and held me as I cried.
Once again the sobs racked my body and hurt my chest.
I couldn't stop thinking that it was my fault.
That was the only thing that ran through my mind.
"It's not your fault. You didn't make him do it" Shawn said and I groaned through the tears.
"That's what everyone says."
"Because it's the truth. Look, it's been a really emotional day. I think you need to sleep and rest and tomorrow I'll take you out"
"I have therapy tomorrow" I sniffed.
"I'll take you out after it. We can have a calm day" he suggested and I smiled as I wiped away the tears.
"Ok"
There was a silence and I sighed, trying to think whether my next question would be shot down in a matter of seconds.
I had nothing left to loose.
"Would you stay over tonight? With me?"