We Met On The Road To Recovery

20.

Faith Elizabeth
It was the hardest day for me.
I had never been to a funeral before.
I didn't know what to expect.
I had my speech all prepared. It was folded up in the pocket of my black skirt.
I slipped my shoes on and cuddled into my jumper as I walked down the stairs.
"You call me if you need me to come and get you." Mum sighed.
"I'll be ok"
"But if you're not, I don't want you driving yourself" Mum said and I nodded before walking out the house to my car.

I drove slowly and had to keep slowing down my breathing to stabilise the anxiety that was building up inside me.
I couldn't get out of the car straight away as I got to the cemetery.
A knock on my passenger side window made me jump.
I looked over and a woman was standing outside the door.
She opened it and bent down, thats when I noticed her tear stained cheeks.
"Can I get in?" She asked and I nodded. "You don't know me. I don't know you. And yet my baby connects us" she smiled and it dawned on me that this was Bens mother.
"Oh god" I whispered and covered my mouth as the tears started to well in my eyes.
"No no it's ok. I just want to talk" she said and I nodded. "You were one of the last people to properly connect with Ben and talk to him properly so I just wanted to ask you how he was" she cried and I smiled as she took my hand in hers.
"He was the first person I talked to. He made me feel normal. He was so kind to me." I cried and she smiled through her tears. "I-I don't think I would have made it through the program as well as I did without him" I told her and she squeezed my hand.
"Thank you" she said and I nodded. "He left this for you" she sighed and handed me a piece of paper.
"Ok"
"It starts in ten minutes. Thank you Faith" she said before getting out of the car.

With a shaking hand I opened the piece of paper.
I had never seen his handwriting before.
It was strange really. Eerie.
I bit my lip as I read the words.
'I'm sorry.
That's all I can really say to you.
I'm sorry that we didn't have more time together. I wish I would have known you outside the clinic.
You were kind to me when no one else was.
And I thank you for that.
I'm also sorry that it's come to this.
I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to cope.
And I'm sorry now that I have to say goodbye.'
As I read the letter I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
But I knew I had to get myself together.
I had to do this.
For Ben.

The funeral was lovely in a very upsetting way. Both his parents tried to smile at people recalling stories and I tried my best to not focus on how little I really knew about him, and by the time it was my turn to speak I felt small and unworthy.
"Hello. My name is Faith Elizabeth. If I'm being honest with you all, I didn't know Ben. Not at all. I spent a mere two months with him. And yet, those two months were happy for me. I met Ben at the lowest point in my life in the clinic. Ben talked to me and supported me when no other teenager would. He was so kind and caring. Full of witty comments and humour. I don't believe I would be standing here today without him." I cried and had to pause to wipe my nose and eyes, I looked down at Bens mother who was doing the same, "In his letter to me he kept apologising. He apologised for not having enough time with me, and he apologised for having to say goodbye. And I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for all of those things. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I didn't come and see you. But I like to believe that you are happier now, and not suffering. A beautiful soul like you shouldn't be suffering. And all I can say now is I'll miss you, and goodbye" I finished.

I didn't speak to anyone after the funeral.
The family and close friends talked and hugged each other.
But I felt disconnected from them.

I went back and sat in my car, letting the sobs out. I kept my face in my hands until my hands were soaking wet. I tried to sniff back the tears and breathe slowly. I knew I had to get home.

When I had calmed down enough, I drove back home. I knew Mum would be waiting but I just wanted to be on my own. I didn't want her questions. I didn't want her advice.

With a deep breath I stepped into the house and gently closed the door before kicking my shoes off.
Luckily Mum wasn't there waiting.
I went quietly up to my room. I pushed the door open and as I closed it the tears started all over again. I pressed my head against the door and just cried.
"Faith? It's ok" I heard and I span quickly on my heel.
"Shawn?!"