We Met On The Road To Recovery

14.

Faith Elizabeth
Our last day in New York was the day my heart broke.

"So when are you next in therapy?" Shawn asked me as we walked down the bustling streets of the city.
"Two days" I sighed and he nodded.
"How's it going?" He asked, genuinely interested.
"It's good. I mean it's hard sometimes talking for an hour when I really don't want to. But I know it's helping me so I don't mind too much" I shrugged and he smiled down at me. "So, how's Camila?" I asked, a fake grin plastered on my lips.
"It's going well. I think a lot of people saw it coming." He smiled and I nodded, hanging my head. "What?"
"What? Nothing. Nothing" I shrugged.
"Tell me"
"I didn't really see it coming. I guess I had always hoped things between us would perhaps rekindle. But I understand it was a false hope. I just used it to keep me going" I explained.
Shawn didn't say anything for longer than I wanted.
He pulled me over to one side so we were out of the way of the haul of people.
"When I left you in England it broke my heart to leave you again. And when I left I thought that we would rekindle things as well. My life is just so crazy and I didn't want to drag you back into it. Camila understands the craze of it all" Shawn explained.
"I could learn to understand" I said not meeting his eye.
"I couldn't risk it. I couldn't do that to you again" he sighed.
I put my hand under his chin and so his eyes became lifted to mine.
"I would have risked anything to be with you. I don't go to school. It would be easy. I loved you. Part of me still does" I said and he took a hold of my wrist.
"You can't. All it does is hurt you" he whispered.
"I've loved you for too long to let you go" I whispered back.

He searched my eyes as I searched his.
My eyes flickered down to his lips.
He pushed his forehead against mine and I forgot about all the people around us.
I was sure he was going to kiss me.
Reignite our love for each other.
Put everything behind us.
I was sure it would've happened if my phone hadn't sounded.
The sound seemed to drag him out of a trance and he snapped away from me quickly.
I quickly grabbed my phone from my pocket and saw it was mum.
"Hi. I'm ok" I said.
"Faith honey you need to come back to the hotel sweetheart" Mum said and I could tell that she had been crying.
"What's happened?" I asked and Mum breathed deeply.
"Just come back" she whispered and my heart sank.
Something bad had happened.
Really bad.

Shawn held my shaking shoulders as we walked back.
My anxiety shook my whole body and I had to lean on Shawn as I walked to ensure that I didn't fall over.
He helped me into my room where my mum and Karen were already sat.
Karen was stood against the wardrobe as my mum sat on the bed, biting her fingernails, something she had never done before.
"Mum what's going on?" I asked and Shawn shut the door behind us.
Mum patted the seat next to her and I sat as Shawn stood next to his mother.
"What's happened?" I asked, yet I felt too scared to hear the answer.
"Faith, do you remember Ben? The boy from Promises?" Mum said.
I nodded.
"Of course I do. We got on so well. I feel bad I haven't been to see him yet though." I said and bit the skin around my fingernails.
Mum sent a quick look to Karen before wrapping her arm around me.
"Faith, honey, he's passed away" she said and my heart sunk quickly into my stomach.
A ringing sounded in my ears.
I saw Shawn cover his mouth.
I couldn't focus my eyes.

"What?" I whispered and Mum sniffed.
"He killed himself a week ago in the clinic." She said.
The tears started to well in my eyes.
"How?" I said as the tears started to fall.
"H- he climbed up this tree late at night and jumped down. The fall was hard enough to kill him" she explained.
"Well maybe it was an accident?" Shawn contributed.
"It wasn't. He wrote letters"
"That was our tree" I sobbed and rested my head onto Mums shoulders.
Sobs racked my body and I couldn't hold back the horrid noises from escaping my lips.
Mum held me tight and Shawn bent down in front of me and rubbed my hair.
I couldn't think.
My friend had killed himself in a place that was meant to be helping him.

"This is all my fault" I cried into mums shoulder.
"Oh no honey it's not your fault" Mum whispered.
"It is. I left him. I left him" I cried and I felt Shawn pick me up and rest me on his lap.
I grabbed onto his T-shirt and sobbed into his chest.
He rocked me back and forward as he whispered into my ear that it was going to be ok.
And yet all I could do was blame myself, and cry.

"His parents have asked us to go to his funeral. Its in two weeks. Back in London" Mum said and I nodded through my tears.
"Ok"
"Faith they've asked if you would speak. You were one of the ones to speak to him last and spend time with him" Mum said and my sobs started all over again.
I couldn't speak at his funeral.
It wouldn't be right.
I blamed myself for what happened to him.
If I had never left, he wouldn't have done it.
And I could never forgive myself for that.