We Met On The Road To Recovery

21.

Shawn Mendes
She was broken.
Her tear stained cheeks, bloodshot eyes and shaking hands gave it away.
I didn't know it was the funeral today but now, I'm glad I was here for her.
It was the first step in showing her that I would never abandon her again.
No words were shared between us.
We just stayed there, looking at each other.
Taking each other in.
I saw the steady tears fall from her eyes onto her cheeks, slowly, one after the other.
I said nothing as she cried.
I walked quickly over to her and quickly took her into my arms.

The sound of her sobs was so painful to hear. Each sob broke my heart more and more.
And it broke my heart that I couldn't help her. I couldn't take the pain away. All I could do was hold her, stroke her hair, and whisper good thoughts into her ear.
As she pushed her hands in-front of her face I let go of her and stood in front of her.
I put my hands on her waist.
"Hey look at me. Look at me" I said gently.
She sniffed and averted her eyes to meet mine. They were all red and bloodshot.
"Talk to me" I said and pulled her to sit on the edge of the bed.
"He-hes gone. A-and he left me this" she cried and handed me a small piece of paper.

As I read the words on the page my heart just sank.
This boy must have been suffering badly.
It broke my heart for him, and yet I didn't even know him.
Faith rested her head on my shoulder and I put an arm around her.
"I'm here" I whispered as I rested my head on top of hers. "I'm here and I promise I'm here to stay." I said and she took her head off my shoulder.
"What happened with Camila? Are you guys ok?" She asked, trying to wipe away the steady stream of tears.
I took a deep breath and she looked away from me, fiddling with her fingers in her lap.
"You don't have to talk about it. I understand if you didn't." She sighed and I gently reached to take her hand in mine.
I squeezed it lightly and took another breath.

"I had to end it" I sighed and with my free hand I brushed my hair back from my face.
She slowly looked back to me and wiped away the remaining tears.
"Why?" She asked, her voice remaining croaky and fragile.
"It wasn't right to be with her anymore. I couldn't be with her anymore" I sighed and she searched my eyes and raised her eyebrow slightly.
"You couldn't?" She asked quietly.
I nodded and she put her other hand over mine.
"You can talk to me" she said and I nodded.
"We can talk about it another time. I just want to talk to you and help you" I said and she shook her head.
"I'd rather talk about you. It'll distract me from...you know" she sighed and I nodded.
"If it'll help you then ok" I said and suddenly got nervous that she wasn't ready to hear what I was going to tell her.
My heart thudded in my chest.
I tried to plan exactly what I wanted to say within a split second.
It had to be perfect.
As soon as I said it it would become the truth and it would become real, so it had to be perfect.

"I told Camila that I couldn't be with her because I couldn't love her anymore. I couldn't give her all my love and so it wouldn't be fair on her to stay with her anymore. And I couldn't love her, because," I had to take a breath and I averted my eyes to her hands as I ran my thumb over the back of her hand. "Because I have feelings for you."
I looked back up for a second and her bloodshot eyes had widened slightly.
"What do you mean?" She whispered.
"Ever since I saw you again at that party something in my heart just, just wanted you. And I know that I don't deserve you and I'll always feel guilty for everything I did to you but-"
I couldn't finish.
Not out of choice.
Her lips pressed onto mine and stopped me from saying anything more.