Blame it on me' ~ Post Malone

08.

However, before I hit the ground, a pair of arms grabbed me. A couple of warm, soft hands made my heart beat faster. Austin. "It doesn't matter." his voice was quiet; I heard a bit of shame. What should he be ashamed of now? I still sat on Austin's lap, again with my tomato head, and leaned a little against his chest. I felt his heart beating regularly, but it didn't calm me down, just like his breathing, which almost made me shiver.

We watched some light comedy. Joshua and Brenda seemed to like it. I sat in silence. From the corner of my eye, I saw Austin's hands cluttering awkwardly with his blouse. He was bored. I stared in front of me, pretending to be following the film. At these moments, I missed Riley, whom I lost all of this. Someone who would be happy with me because I was now in the lap of one of the most wanted guys in the world. Okay, the most wanted. But also to support me. Like me, she would know that this could not happen, that I would never get anything with him. No matter how fierce I was in love. It caused a sad feeling to bubble from my heart, which flooded the rest of my body. Riley was gone, my love for Austin was impossible, and I had no one to help me with that. Not even Brenda.

I could already feel the tears coming, and before the pain penetrated my voice, I took action. "I'm going to my room." I quickly jumped out of Austin's lap and walked to my bedroom as generally as I could. From the moment they no longer saw me, I even accelerated. I had just closed my room door when the pain took over my body, and I fell on the bed. In silence, I let the pain flood me.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't care for music, do you?

Well, it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Tears still flowed down my cheeks. My face was buried in my pillow, held tight by my hands. The other parts of my body were lifeless. My cell phone let the music trickle through my ears, and it partly comforted me as far as music could comfort you. All the bad thoughts, which had been repressed for weeks by the happy atmosphere in which I lived, floated up again. I wasn't aware of the person who sat on my bed. I honestly didn't care much. At the moment, I didn't want to be comforted by Brenda.

At the moment, there was only one person who could do that, and that person lived in a place that was inaccessible to me. If heaven already existed. A new wave of pain hit me with this thought, and I automatically curled up in a ball, still, with my face against the pillow. It already had a large, damp stain on which I was crying all the time. If I cried for a long time, it would be wet.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missin' you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missin', too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear
To always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you—

These songs became too bad. I roughly pulled the earbuds out of my ears, and I slammed them at the wall. "Piece of junk, can't you play happy songs?" I growled inaudibly. At that moment, I became aware of the one still sitting on the bed beside me. Who again looked at me, worried. Someone who didn't look like Brenda at all. Unless Brenda had undergone plastic surgery and taken many tattoos in a half-hour that I was up here and had now become a guy, it wasn't Brenda.

I was still in the same position. Tightened, my hands clasped around my raised knees. My gaze stared straight ahead, and I tried not to look sideways. My body tried not to be aware of the comforting hands rubbing my back from the eyes that burned on me like the sun on a hot August day. I didn't want to be aware of Austin. It just made the pain worse. It upset me even more at the moment. Something in me wanted to send him away, but just like something, another thing forbade me to do that. His consolation had a double meaning. It pleased me that he was sitting here, comforting me without asking him. He might as well have left when he saw me here. I would not have noticed.

On the other hand, it caused more pain. He was part of the worry that now roamed my mind. I could not discuss the concerns with anyone; I could not find a solution. Once again, the realization came that she would never come back, which caused an outburst. I still had enough power not to scream over my body.

But the tears that ran down my cheeks seemed to fight.