Blame it on me' ~ Post Malone

40.

POV Madison; 

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away with the tip of my sweater. At that point, I realized that I was still walking around in Austin's pull. I could bring him back, but I knew I couldn't face Austin now. I had seen the pain in his eyes and the disbelief. I knew he saw my excuse. I knew he knew that I was lying. I saw the pain it caused him; he seemed to suffer very severely from it. It broke my heart to see how much pain I let him suffer again. Simply because I suddenly had to go back to doing something sad. I knew I had no reason, but it hit me so hard. Without Lyam's knowledge, he had put the finger on it. It made me realize that I had absolutely nothing official with Austin. That we were not even together yet. It caused my distrust to grow. What if this was a game? I could be fooled by the fact that I thought this again, but all this seemed so unreal. Something had to be wrong somewhere.

I walked in through the back door and caught a flurry of conversation. It must have been a telephone conversation because I only heard Brenda talking. Only when I listened to my name, my attention was drawn. "No, I don't know what's up with Madison." Brenda's voice suddenly sounded worried, and there was a long silence on her part. The only thing she said from time to time was, "uhu." It was wrong to listen in on the conversation, but I sat down at the kitchen table and started to fold the placemats while I listened to the conversation. "Okay. I think I have an idea of why she's so sad." I pointed my ears brighter. Now we were going to hear it. But before I heard it, and I realized that Brenda had walked upstairs. I let it pass me by because they were probably wrong. Austin was so worried, but still, that annoying voice in my head kept saying he didn't mean it. I tried to displace everything and started muttering to myself. I was not allowed to hurt people again. Not again.

***

"You upstairs. Now!" Brenda stood before me and looked at me forcefully. I sat in front of the television, looking dry in front of me and trying not to look past me, where Joshua and Kaci were kissing. Something in her tone made me obey. It was probably not a good plan to contradict her now. I took a final look at the TV and decided to turn it off. It wasn't that Joshua and Kaci would now watch TV. I shuffled upstairs and walked to my room. I tried to do normally, but you had to be a fool not to see the doubt in my eyes. "Madison. You're going to tell me what the hell your problem is." Brenda sounded furious. "What else do you want? I know you have many damn problems, but you have Austin now. I thought that helped, but not. Because I get worried phone calls asking what is wrong with you."

Brenda's eyes spewed fire, but she couldn't hide her concern. The longer she stared at me silently, the more anger dripped from her face - until she finally looked worried. I felt a single tear slide down my cheek and wiped it away again. That confronted me with Austin's blouse, and then I couldn't hold it anymore. "Austin," I whispered so quietly that I couldn't have said anything about it. Brenda looked surprised. "What did he do?" I heard the anger in her voice, which again prevailed. "Nothing," I said quickly. He had done nothing, or I hoped so. "Then what's your problem, Madison!" Brenda exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

"I'd be terribly happy with a boyfriend like him." "He's not my boyfriend." The pain flooded my body again when I said that. A piece of my heart broke off. "I knew it." Brenda hissed, getting a strange look on her face. She jumped up from the bed and opened my closet. Feverishly she started looking for something until she pulled a purple dress from the cupboard. "What are you up to?" The pain partially gave way to surprise. "Save you!" She stooped to grab my matching purple all-stars. "Good thing I was right with my thoughts," she murmured after it. She crouched out of my room and came back with her toilet bag, which was bulging with makeup. She then threw the dress and shoes at me, and they looked compelling. "Put it on." I kept staring at her, wondering what my purple dress and my all-stars had to do with my problem. I had no idea. "Brenda, me-" 

Trust me now.