Blame it on me' ~ Post Malone

09.

Austin, who sat silently past me all the time, pulled me to him when he saw my new tears. "Sst Madi." was all he said. Did he call me Madi? His voice betrayed tension. Of course, he would rather be with his friends at the moment than comfort some depressed exchange student. The one "something" at that moment won over the other. "Austin," My voice was not steadfast, faltering and sobbing through sobs. "Thank you, but would you leave me alone now?" I stared into his blue eyes for a while. They were worried and seemed determined not to respond to my request. I put on a brave face and tried to control myself, hoping I could keep the tears in until he left the room. "It's alright." He raised his eyebrow in disbelief. "Really!" I assured him.

Still doubting, he got up and went to the door. In the meantime, I was looking three more times to see if I didn't get another cry. But I remained calm and as controlled as I could sit. I was waiting for him to leave the room. "Madi?" I nodded, probably I could not answer. I didn't try it either because he would stay. "I'll be down if you need me." He closed the door after saying those words, and I felt the first tears slide down my cheeks.

I tried to put all of my thoughts in a row while fighting my sorrows independently. I went to the small desk and searched for my new agenda, which was still untouched in my bag. Mom had bought it, and I pretended to love it. To do her a favor. I wouldn't say I liked it; I never used things like that. But at the moment, it worked out well. I sat down on the fabric chair in front of the desk and eagerly started to pen.

Dear Riley,

Do you know? Everything is so different. Everything seems to have lost its value, or I can no longer look at it properly. Everything is covered behind a canvas of sorrow. Sadness because you are gone. I still think about you every day. It seemed only yesterday that it happened. The wounds always look so fresh. Some things fight wounds, a type of medicine. But what if those medicines are wrong for you? What if they make you even sadder? How on earth can I heal?

I need you, Riley. Your advice and your friendship. I can't go any further, and everything seems to be piling up. I wish you were here.

❤ 💬 ↗️

Liked by brendabandana, miaxlrds, damnmilan, joshua_inthahouse, quarrelbilly, bananainthehouse, and 15 others

madisnpiercee, My mind is still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that you are gone. 📖🖊️

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joshua_inthahouse And this is about who? 😕
username1 writing, how stupid is that!
brendabandana It's gonna be okay, Madison! It will be! ❤️
quarrelbilly I'm sad I can't hug you right now. 😢
17 minutes ago

The weeks went by, and I kept writing on the small agenda. I seemed to have found a way to get rid of my grief. It was a burden that fell off my shoulders. On the other hand, I stayed in my room a lot. I showed myself very little, and I kindly refused every request to do something. Brenda knew everything; Brenda didn't know about Austin. But still. She knew that I had to do this on my own now, and after a while, the requests were not received.

The weeks just kept going, and in the meantime, it was already August 24. Yes, my birthday. I knew I couldn't hide today, no matter how much I wanted it. This was such a day that I wanted everyone to ignore me. But that was not, and now I should live with it. My birthday was celebrated, and I noticed that they had put a lot of work into it from the moment I came in. "Happy Birthday!" Brenda flew around my neck, and Joshua immediately put a ridiculous crown on my head. I found a glimpse of the text that was on it. "3kisses, it's my birthday!" I sighed deeply and rolled my eyes at Joshua. "You couldn't resist it?" "Nope," "Get that ridiculous grin from your face, Joshua, or I'll tackle you with the decoration," I said back as seriously as possible, but I grinned in the middle of it. So, it didn't seem credible. Why did he always have to make such crazy faces?

I shuffled to the kitchen, followed by Brenda and Joshua, who behaved like two lapdogs. "Do you have the ambition to work as lap dogs later?" I immediately had two hits to my head. "Excuse me; it's my birthday. The birthday girl cannot get hit." Jesus, where did I suddenly get that good mood from? It seemed to come naturally. Brenda and Joshua's mood was also very contagious, and it was nice to forget my worries. In the meantime, I felt guilty about my behavior. For the past two weeks, I have practically lived in my room and talked as little as possible. And now they put effort into my birthday. Wow, these people were too good for me. I didn't expect anything from them, but they seemed to have made every effort. At lunch, I almost fell out of my chair when Sophia announced that I had to get ready for my party soon. MY party? I now stood in front of my cupboard with an irritated look. What on earth was I supposed to wear to my party?

I didn't even know who would come; how did I know how to dress?