The Middle - Volume Two ✔️

Chapter 71 (Noah)

Noah

~ December 31st ~

I scan the sea of people around me, wondering when this weird, empty feeling is gonna fuck off. I'm standing in Times Square, and there's less than five minutes left until the ball drops and everyone will be hugging and kissing and welcoming the New Year. I don't give a fuck about this. I don't wanna be here.

"Hey, you okay?" I look down and see Sarah standing next to me with Joel. She looks concerned. I guess my moody expression is probably worse than it usually is.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I mutter. I'm not talking to her about Jamie, not with Joel standing right there.

"Have you talked to Jamie tonight?" Joel asks me curiously. Or, suspiciously. I can't quite decide.

"I talked to her on the phone earlier." I reply. No further details necessary.

"And is everything okay with you and Jamie?" Sarah presses for further details. "Did you tell her about Sam?"

Sarah frowns at me and Joel looks down at his feet. Fuck. They must have seen me making out with Sam at that party the other night. Why am I such a fuck up? Why have I been so stupid? I feel a weight in my chest as I realise that I am gonna have to tell Jamie about what happened with Sam. If I don't, Joel will. Maybe he already has.

"No, but I will." I reply quietly. The New Year countdown is about to start. I don't wanna rain on this moment for Sarah and Joel, so I move away from them. My mom's around here somewhere, I'll go find her.

If Sarah knew the full story, would she even be talking to me tonight? Joel would probably punch me. Because not only did I make out with Sam at the party, I left with her too. We went back to her dorm, and well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the rest.

I don't know why I slept with her. I really don't. Like I said, I'm a fuck up. And it wasn't even worth it. Sleeping with Sam was nothing compared to sex with Jamie. I regret it, so fucking much. I've just been so confused and conflicted about everything with Jamie. I don't know if coming home to the City has anything to do with it, you know? Being around old friends and girls I haven't seen since High School. Maybe it brought out something in me that I thought I left behind. The old Noah resurfaced, and I hate it. It was a moment of weakness. And it is not gonna happen again.

In fact, it's made me realise what I want. What I really want. I want Jamie. Properly. If she wants to call me her boyfriend, she fucking can. I wanna call her my girlfriend, anyway. I want us to be exclusive, because I don't wanna be with anyone besides her. I'm just hoping shell still feel that way about me after I come clean about what I did with Sam.

I hope so. I really fucking hope so.

It's midnight now, and everyone around me is kissing and smiling and hugging. And I'm just standing here scowling at them all. I hate this. I wish I was with Jamie. I should have taken her to New York with me, just like Sarah took Joel and Zach took Kim. I'm a dick. I don't even deserve Jamie. I know that now. But, I hope she'll forgive me. I told her we aren't exclusive, so hopefully I'll get a pass on this. I know it pissed her off, but I had to do it. After what happened between me and Sam, I had to try and create some kinda out for myself. A get out of jail free card.

But the truth is, I don't wanna be in this weird, vague, grey area with Jamie anymore. I wanna be with her properly. I'm gonna ask her to be my girlfriend, face to face, as soon as I get back to North Bridge on the Fourth of the month. I hope she'll say yes. I think she will. As long as my indiscretion with Sam isn't enough to completely piss her off. We've been through so much though. This was the last hurdle. This distance and my fear of commitment has been the last barrier, and I'm over it now. We can get over it. We can. I just need to wait a few more days to see her again, and then everything will be fine.