Half Hidden // Seungin

E I G H T E E N

::::

Yang Jeongin:

Chan didn't stop dragging me out until we got to the back of school. Without saying anything we all sat down in a circle on the grass, my back against the school and everyone circled around me. I had Chan on one side of me and Felix of course on the other side. He's always got my back.

"We all saw the post," he started off saying. Everyone nodded in agreement. I looked down, feeling embarrassed. Felix grabbed my hand and squeezed it, letting me know it's okay. But is it?

"What's going on?" Hyunjin asked, wanting an explanation. "Are you gay?"

My heart was pounding, and I didn't look up. I just nodded.

"Jeongin look at me," Jisung then spoke up. I slowly raised my head, making eye contact with Jisung.

"You know it's all alright, right? What did you think we were gonna do? We're okay with Chan and Minho dating, why wouldn't we be okay with you?"

I thought about it. I know he's right. Of course Jisung right. He always is.

"I guess, I-I was worried you guys would be mad I lied to you for years," I confessed. "This just isn't me..."

I felt myself becoming choked up again, and I finally broke eye contact with everyone again. I looked down at my wrist. How will I even tell them?

"What do you mean that's not you?" Changbin wondered. Everyone gave me confused looks.

I took my hat and jacket off. I still had a black tee shirt on and jeans. "I'm someone who wants to wear leggings, not jeans. Get my ears pierced, wear at least the slightest bit of makeup, wear pink or purple. Not this bullshit I wear now. It's all because of...my dad."

They all looked so confused. So, I took in another shaky breath and explained everything. From who my dad forces me to be, to how I really feel. It felt good to get it off my chest, but another part of me was ashamed.

Ashamed of who I was. Ashamed that I've kept these from my best friends for so long.

I wiped a tear away, still not wanting to cry.

Then, I got the guts to finally show them my arm. I held in a breath and held it out for everyone to see. I gazed a everyone nervously. They all flinched and looked hurt.

Felix and Seungmin frowned, knowing they've seen this before.

"I did this to myself when I felt like I was a bad person. A nobody. Worthless and a disgrace. And that feeling has been coming back," I admitted with a frown.

"As your friends, we will make sure you never want to do that to yourself again, okay? We love you Jeongin, no matter what. It's not your fault you can't be who you are." Chan said comfortingly, giving me a smile.

I looked at everyone again, feeling a bit better.

"I was more worried about being gay and keeping myself hidden that I forgot I had given my friends false trust. And that's worse than any scar on my wrist. And I'm sorry."

Then we all hugged each other. I finally felt like I didn't have a huge secret roaming my mind. My friends finally knew the real me.

But, that happy feeling didn't last long, because a thought filled my mind. Sudden panic filled through my body. I pushed my friends away, needing air because I felt like I couldn't breath. I put a hand on my chest.

"Woah Jeongin, what's wrong?" Felix asked, worry in his voice.

"Omg," I choked out, "I forgot my parents follow the blog!"