Half Hidden // Seungin

T W O

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Yang Jeongin:

I don't have a lot of friends.

Besides Felix, I only have five total friends. And they're all friends with Felix as well. My friendship group contains me, Felix, Chan, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jisung. Minho and Chan have been dating since freshmen year. We are all sophomores.

If it weren't for Felix, I would be...alone.

He may be a troublemaking dumbshit, but he has a huge heart.

People don't want to be my friend because they think I'm a playboy. Only out to destroy people's hearts. And sadly, it's true.

I don't want to do it. But, that's the reputation I've built. It's the reputation my dad wants from me.

Although my friends don't know about my hidden self, they do know I don't mean to hurt people. Heck, I wouldn't purposely hurt a fly. But, what happens, happens, and I can't change that.

I dread going to school everyday, having to face so many people who despise me. Actually, let me rephrase that. People who are scared of me.

Yeah, you heard me. People are scared of me. It's one of the other reasons I don't have friends. I'm glad Felix's friends decided to give me a chance, so now I can call them my friends too.

Honestly, I have a lot to thank Felix for.

When dad first started pushing me around, I was able to hide how much it hurt pretty easily. Nobody could tell that this was his choice on how I act, not mine, no one saw my pain.

They thought it was all me.

For the first two years, I was just playing like it was nothing, trying to avoid the actual situation. Yeah, it hurt to be told you have to be someone you're not, but it didn't start effecting me till middle school.

In 6th grade, I really started to hate myself. I hated how I dressed, how I acted, how I looked, and the thing that I hated the most was who I actually wanted to be. Was who I was on the inside so...bad? I would never know.

I start becoming more upset and depressed. I ended up doing stuff like self harming daily and wishing I was dead. My mind would constantly get drowned out with thoughts such as you're disgusting, your friends would hate the real you and how you want to be is wrong.

It doesn't seem like much, but being forced to be the complete opposite of yourself so people will like you, hurts a shit ton. 

One day in 7th grade, Felix walked in on me cutting my wrists. At the time, it was just me and mom at home, but apparently Felix had left something at my house. I thought I was home alone, but Felix had come over without making a sound.

As soon as he opened the door, it was a mess.

Without knocking on the bedroom door, thirteen year old Felix opened the door to his friends bedroom. He was hoping to ask Jeongin if he had seen his missing item, but instead he saw him sitting on his bed in hysterical cries, cutting his wrist with a sharp blade.

"Jeongin!" He yelled, running over to the bed and snatching the blade out of Jeongin's hands. He threw it across the room.

Felix was in total shock. He could not believe his eyes. The happy, bright person he knows, was self harming.

Jeongin didn't even look up to see what stopped him. All he knew is that his blade was gone. He started desperately scratching at the same wrist with his finger nails.

"Jeongin stop!" Felix yelled again, grabbing the boys wrists and forcing them behind his back.

He finally stopped resisting, and Jeongin let his head fall into Felix's chest, as he cried all his pain out.

That was one of my lowest points ever. I never usually did bad stuff like that when I was younger, so I don't know what encouraged me then.

Later that day, I came out to Felix and told him how I felt. I had explained to him that this is not who I wanted to be. And he was so thankfully understanding.

Felix saved my life that day. He showed me the cuts I had made, and I had cut dangerously close to a vein. He pointed out that with the blade I was using, if I had cut a vein I would have died in minutes.

As bad as I felt, I did not want to die. I had some hope that it would all get better one day.

It's not as bad now, but day hasn't come yet. Although, with Felix's help I can get through it. He always makes me feel better, and tells me that who I am is not disgusting. And I've come to terms with it, and he's right.

I have not done anything like that since. I've gotten better at controlling my feelings, which is good. And I owe it all to my brother.

From that day on, Felix and I had become close. We swore to each other that even if our parents broke apart, we would never lose contact, and our closeness would never fade.

And even though our parents are now married and we're brothers, we have always kept that swear.