Not Actually A Bad Guy

Chapter 29

Maybe he never should liked Calum. 

Calum watched Luke walking away slowly. He wanted to stop him. He couldn't even explain how he feels bad for making Luke feel sorry for no reason. He really didn't mean to make Luke sorry or sad. God he didn't really mean anything he said. Did he even say anything? No he didn't but he understood it from Luke's face. It was pretty obvious. He came to Calum so happy but his face went down immediately. I must've done something bad. Calum thought.

He was feeling so much things inside. But he wasn't sure of those things he was feeling. Was he angry because he saw Luke hugging Ashton or Luke called Ashton his? Was he jealous? Heck yes. But he won't admit it. Was he sad because of the thought Luke might actually liking Ashton? Was he mad at himself for treating Luke like a piece of shit everytime Luke tried to act friendly? Calum thought the times when Luke wanted to talk with him and he ignored him. He felt so stupid for rejecting him. For missing the chance of Luke starting to like him instead of Ashton. Or at least trusting him. He wasn't so sure about how he was feeling but there was something certain that it involved Luke in it.

He wish he could stop Luke from walking all alone and hug him tightly then give him a ride. But he couldn't. Because he knew he would slip something about him being jealous of  Ashton. And there's this thing that Calum couldn't help himself from hurting people when he's angry. The last time Luke made him angry he nearly throw his phone to Luke's face. The worst part was the part when he saw Luke's scared eyes looking at him. Luke always looked with scary eyes to him. And if he didn't he would look at him with scary eyes in the end of their conversation. It made Calum feel so bad. He didn't want to be this bad looking. He didn't choose to be this way. It was something that he had to do when he was younger. He had to become an emotionless bad guy to keep everything inside. The secrets, the emotions, everything. If he didn't acted like this he would be crashed down by everybody else. Believe or not but Calum was really fragile. Even though he doesn't seem like caring and listening, he always did. He analyzed everything being said from people. Every single word. Every single thing people said about him opened a little hole inside him. Slowly growing big and killing him inside. Acting like a wall doesn't help much but at least people were staying away from him. Without even knowing what he's been through. Just like the road when you see it's dark and there is trash everywhere and you don't want to walk there. But in reality there was a small carnival thing happened there and some people left their junk. In reality people chose there to do a carnival in that road because it was beatiful and clear. Think like Calum was the road and people came to him because he was beautiful but when the party end people left him with their junks and in the end nobody wanted to be near to him again.

He wasn't like this at the start. But when everything came crashing down he felt like he had to shut him himself away from the world to not get hurt again. And being the tough guy that everybody afraid of was the only choice. He was hiding everything inside and waiting for someone to make him spill everything he's been holding in. He just needed someone to see through him. And Luke was the only one who actually tried and come really close to him. But in the end Calum messed up again. But he's been holding everything inside for so long that it become an instinct. He wasn't really trying to make Luke go away. Actually he was trying to make Luke understand that he needed him. He needed him because Luke was the only one. Luke was the only one that even though he was scared of Calum he came to him and tried. Tried to have a converstation with him, tried to have fun with him, tried to fix him. Maybe Luke was the only one that noticed Calum wasn't actually a bad guy.

He was not actually a bad guy, he was just hiding his insecurities.