The Broken Road - A Zac Efron Novel (18+)

Chapter 74 - Numb

I remember being furious and red with anger when Zac missed our listing appointment.  I automatically assumed the worst, that he was late and not answering his phone because he was high.   I thought I was "fine" with our relationship and dealing with Zac's addiction until that moment.  I clearly wasn't "fine."

I don't remember getting into my car and driving off, or a car running a red light and smashing into my driver's side.  I don't remember the ambulance ride to the hospital. 

The first clear memory I have was being wheeled on a gurney and being told I needed a CT scan. I reached for a nurse's hand, and told her I was pregnant and they needed to take care of the baby before they worried about me.

She didn't make eye contact with me and stared straight down the hall as she responded, "Let's make sure you're ok first.  Then we'll check on your baby, I promise."

No one would look me directly in the eye, and I knew deep down we had lost the baby, even though I still held out hope.

I felt like a part of me died that day.  And I felt like mine and Zac's relationship died too.

Zac was amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner to help me through that.  I know he would tell everyone he was a wreck and he did everything wrong.  The truth was, he didn't need to say the right thing, he was there to support me in a time I truly needed him, just like he was when our friendship first began.  Just like he always would be.

A few hours after delivery, I was discharged from the hospital.   Walking past the nursery, full of healthy, happy babies  was gut-wrenching.  We were both empty inside, literally and metaphorically.

I didn't blame Zac for what happened, but at the same time, I knew I would never get over him not being there that morning.

None of my emotions make any sense from this period of time.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified.  Zac and I had never discussed what would happen if we got pregnant, which showed how truly immature we both were at that time in our lives.  I remember sitting it Kate's bedroom when she told me that a lot could happen that early in a pregnancy, and I told myself it would be so much easier if everything just "went away."

After Seth told me Zac was still using, I knew it was completely irresponsible for us to be bringing a child into the world under those circumstances.  At the time, I felt like I couldn't worry about a baby, I needed to worry about Zac. I thought about how it would be so much easier for Zac to focus on his recovery if he didn't have the added stress of impending fatherhood hanging over him.

But, after our 12-week ultrasound, I saw Zac's raw emotion and his genuine happiness.  I realized he didn't view the baby as a burden, but as a reason to get and stay better.  I started to relax at that point and to think maybe everything would be ok.

The morning of the accident as he gently cradled and rubbed my baby bump, I finally felt "safe" and like I could let my guard down about our pregnancy.   He was doing so well with treatment and he was so excited to become a dad.

I had been apprehensive for weeks to share the news with anyone, but after seeing how happy and excited he was that morning, any residual fear I had melted away. I finally let myself feel "excited" about the new life we were going to bring into the world.

Having our joy and excitement violently ripped from us on the same day I finally told my friends we were pregnant was the cruelest form of irony.

I felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  Had I willed that to happen?  After all, I had wished early on it all would just go away, and it had.