Ruin The Friendship / Brendon Urie

22. Emma

"Laura, I don't know what is happening." I whine and throw myself against the loveseat. "Did you talk to him?" I turn my head and stare at her. "No. We don't talk about these things." She coughs and shakes her head. "What do you mean? You just ignore it?" I nod. "Precisely." I turn to stare back up at the ceiling. My legs are hanging over the arm rest and my hands lay on my belly as I stare at the white paint. "Emma, that's so unhealthy." She states and I shrug. "We agreed on this back in high school." Laura shakes her head. "Wait this has been happening since high school?" She exclaims and I nod. "Yeah."

She laughs, like holding her stomach laughing. "Wow you guys are either stupid or really value your friendship." I lean up on my elbows to face her better. "What?" Laura comes over and sits on the coffee table in front of me. "Sweetie." She begins and I roll my eyes. "You two have some serious talking to do. If this has been happening since high school, you ever think maybe it has been for a reason?" I contemplated this, multiple times, but threw it away as hormones. "Yeah, but we were teenagers and kind of figuring stuff out." I explain. Laura nods but continues. "Yes, but now you're in your 20s and still having these 'moments' something has to give." I huff and lay back down.  "I don't want to ruin my friendship with him, I need him in my life."

"You ever think he was meant to be more in your life, more then a friend?" She questions and now my whole head in spinning. This is alot to take in, and I'm not ready. I growl and pop up off the couch heading into my room. I have to get ready for class.

I barely pay attention in calculus.  I'm stuck inside my own head and I can't help but wonder through all our moments we've had. They have seemed to be escalating, especially this year. Maybe I should figure out how I feel about this whole thing before I even say anything to Brendon. Honestly, our friendship has kind of shifted. We are still close but it's just something is off about us. I think the most normal we have been was us watching zombie movies, until things got intimate and we crossed a line. Well Brendon crossed the line, or did I too for not stopping him? Ugh! I'm mentally frustrated and I just want this class to be over.

How do I feel about this? Well besides me being extremely sexually frustrated. Brendon is...Brendon. He is goofy, spontaneous, hardworking, laid back, energetic, loyal, sensitive. I don't know any guy, besides Josh, to be this in tune with his feelings. He is always there for me and helps me anyway he can. I have a love hate relationship with his job because lately he's been away but everytime he's home something happens between us. Oh my god. Everytime he comes home. My birthday party, the beach, movies, my car, my apartment. Every time. I need to talk to him, but how? How do I ask. Oh hey by the way, everytime you come home you want to kiss me, what's up with that? No. That's so weird, and awkward.

Class finally ends and I go to leave but my professor calls me to stay, perfect.
"Emma, I couldn't help but notice you were mentally distracted today. I didnt say anything because you looked really frazzled. Is it about a class or something personal?" My professor asks and I sigh. "It's personal, I'm sorry Professor Eden. It won't happen again." I go to leave but again he stops me. "Is there anyway I can help?" He genuinely asks. "It's about my best friend, it's ok." I mumble towards the end and he gestures for me to sit in the chair on the first row across from him. Putting about 15 feet between us. "Shoot." He leans against the front of his desk and crosses his arm. Professor Eden is in his 50s, he is always dressed nice and super polite, he's just boring teaching calculus. "My best friend and I have been friends since we were like 5, and now he travels for work and everytime he comes home he like makes a move on me and wants to kiss me and other stuff." I trail off because I realize this conversation took a quick turn into territory I didn't want to touch. "It's ok, don't get. To me it sounds like he's either lonely or he's tired of fighting off feelings himself. People can only keep things inside for so long. So it's been about 20 years of friendship but possibly more like 10 years of sexual tension." I cringe when he says sexual tension. "Uh, I guess so. There's been 'issues' since high school." I admit and he laughs. "They're called feelings dear, not issues. Go with them, you might be surprised where they might lead."

I nod and rise to leave. "What's his name?" He asks. "Josh," I lie. "Josh sounds like he is testing to see how you would feel if things went further. Maybe try it out?" He finishes, "thanks for everything." I wave goodbye and move slowly down the corridor. I place my notebook into my bag hanging on my hip and look up just in time to not walk into a door. Thank god. That would have been embarrassing. I close my eyes and clutch my chest to breathe a couple times to calm down. That mini heartattack woke up my senses. I move around the door and push the exit into the warm sunshine. I walk down the path leading to the parking lot, it's about a 5 minute walk and I use to walk this all the time with Josh. I get nostalgic at using his name earlier and now walking our route back to my car. I miss him and I wonder what he's been up to. I would like to call him but my last phone shattered and I still have the same number but I don't have his anymore and I tried my best to forget it after the break up. Lucky for me, I get dyslexic on the last four digits so I can't call him even if i wanted to.

I slide into my car, placing my bag onto the driver seat and I stare at my phone. What was his number? I type it out and I backtrack because I don't want to call the wrong number. Or worse the right number and not know what to say. Hey I miss you. How have you been? How's the band? I hope you are happy. God I miss Josh. What have I done?