Crazy In Love || Dylan O'Brien

Chapter 39

Playlist: World Gone Mad-Bastille

She wasn't exactly sure when or how she got there, but it felt so subconscious to her. Like her body knew exactly where it needed to be even before her brain did. So for the first time since he was taken away, she found herself standing before his gravestone. The words etched on them, glaring at her as they burned away at her soul.

'James Flynn Hamilton
Loving memories of a special son, brother and a friend
February 5 2001-May 12 2019

Every day, every place, every thought
Is connected to you beautiful boy
Like sand dancing in the sunlight
You drifted through our lives
Captivating us
Giving joy to everyone you touched'

Her trembling fingers traced the words forever engraved on that stone. And she wonders how she never got to learn that his middle name was Flynn or that he even got a middle name. She didn't have one. She thought of all the words and memories that could've been shared between them. But all was taken in the blink of an eye and even his killer's death didn't bring her peace. It just added to her agony.

She really is a monster.

For that she's killed her own sister.

How could she ever live after this? How could she still try and move on? There was no hope left for her.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there at your funeral"

Her voice so weak, carried out into a broken whisper through the still air around her. There was something so unsettling about being alone at a graveyard. It was so eerily silent around her, her thoughts were left too loud that she couldn't escape. She couldn't help but blame herself. It should be her that's six feet under and not him.

Not him.

Her grief came like the unforgiving and violent waves of an ocean, crashing down against her fragile heart. But the water should sometimes be calm, shouldn't it? Because all this time it's been overwhelming, she could feel herself drowning in her own emotions.

She couldn't even try to swim.

She didn't have it in her to try anymore.

"I lied. I promised to bring you back, I promised to look after your sister. But I couldn't do either...I saw her today, but I couldn't bear facing her. How could I? When I'm the reason her brother and hero is...dead "

And it's like realisation finally comes crashing down on her, sending her into a violent whirlwind of storms. She had finally admitted to herself what she's been denying for so long. He was really dead. And there was no power on this earth that could bring him back.

How could she have lied and promised that she'd bring him back when she herself was so weak. She didn't have the power to bring him back. No one did.

"You always said that I'm not a monster. But how can you say that? I killed my sister today. My own flesh and blood. That makes me a monster. But I'm too selfish and I still want you to not see me for the monster that I am...I still want you to tell me that there's hope for me. I'd give anything to hear your voice again..."

By now her words weren't even coherent to her own ears. They came out broken as she failed to fill her lungs with enough oxygen. And maybe if the voices in her head weren't as loud, maybe then she would've heard the sound of twigs snapping under someone's feet five feet from behind her.