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Holding the name of my son, tracing the font with my finger, as I view his niche at the columbarium in Seoul. I made sure to visit in the early hours of the morning to avoid crossing the path with Taehyung.
I placed the long stem rose I received yesterday from my 'admirer' at the holder beside his niche. There's another long stem rose in the holder. I assumed it's from Taehyung. The rose is still fresh. He's probably here yesterday.
"Appa misses you." I smiled as I look at his urn behind a transparent glass. "Appa loves you. I'm sorry if I can only visit once a month. Appa lives far from Seoul. But your daddy Taetae is here to visit you more often. I hope you're playing happily with the angels in heaven. Your little brother is growing up really fast. It's sad to know you cannot play with him like how I imagined you to. But I'm happy knowing you're his guardian angel."
I touched his niche once more before I place the little hand of my little Beomgyu against the glass. "We will see you again next month. I love you Taejin baby."
One thing I am so scared about is the son I have with Taehyung. After I broke up with him and went to Busan, I learned that I am pregnant again. How can I forget the intimacy between us before I broke up with him? I don't know what to do. I cannot go back and tell him that we will have another baby. Pride? Probably. The thought of me having a son with him and him without knowing about our son terrifies me.
I thought ovulation and implantation did not take place at all. I'm still recovering from my gunshot and the loss of my baby Taejin. I can't imagine that I will carry a miracle baby after that. A miracle baby because I know it's impossible to carry a child after all the stress I've been through. Turned out, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Again, alone and by myself. The difference, I now have the means to raise my baby. Shall I say thank you to Jungkook that I have the money in the bank? I think so. Unlike when I gave birth to my Taejin when I have nothing.
Maybe this baby is really for me. For us. Or is it fate? Why do I need to always have a connection with the man I'm trying so hard to avoid and to forget?
I need to get a nanny to look after my child. My helper's mother is the one taking care of him. I am at ease. They have a good heart.
As soon as I arrived back in Busan, I saw someone I am not expecting to see. I gave my child to his nanny so they can get inside the cafe.
"Hi." A very familiar face greeted me. Standing in front of his car. Tall, with intimidating looks and curly hair.
"Ken?" My voice seems shock. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm from Busan. Remember, Jimin is from Busan? I am his best friend. This is our hometown. And one of our offices is here. I was assigned here last year."
How can I forget about that?
"Oh... Yeah... I remember. How are you? How did you find me here?" I want to ask him about the rose. But the curly hair says it all. He is in Busan. I think I don't need to ask anything more. He is my secret admirer.
"I've been seeing you a lot here lately. I thought I'm just seeing things. I made sure that it's really you. How are you Jin?" He smiled. I don't know why I'm so disappointed to know that it's actually Ken and not that someone I am expecting.
"Since when did you get a perm?"
He chuckled. Maybe I asked about his hair first before answering his question. "A year or so. Someone told me it looks good on me so I made sure to maintain it."
I nodded. "You want to come in for a coffee?"
He shook his head. "I need to attend a business meeting. Maybe some other time. I have to go now. Nice seeing you again."
I went inside the cafe as soon as Ken left. I saw a rose on top of the counter. I don't know why I'm not excited to see or to receive that rose anymore. I do feel that all my expectations just crashed down in front of me.
"Hi, sir!" The helper greeted me.
"Hi, good afternoon. What time did he arrive here?" I asked as I smell the rose.
"Who sir? The one you're talking with outside or the one who gave this?"
I looked at my helper with confused eyes. "Aren't they the same?"
It's my helper now who became confused. "No? They both have the same hair but they are a different person."
My heart suddenly wants to drop on the pit of my stomach. "How does he looks like?" I wanted to ask the features but I am too afraid to get disappointed once more. I've been through many disappointments in life. Though most of them were because of my own wrong decisions I'm still afraid to hear another or experience another one.
"He is tall, his voice is deep, he smiles like this..." He smiles a boxy smile, "and he said he's not a coward."
I hold on to the counter. My knees suddenly went weak. Am I expecting the wrong person again? Or is it really him this time?
As much as I wanted to run away from my past, the more fate wants to bring me back there. Maybe because I belong to them? In that place? To him?
But I am a curse to their lives. I only bring sadness, disappointments, and wars. I don't want to cause them any more pain. It's better this way, right? To suffer alone.
"D-Did he. Did he tells you his name?" Say the name I wanted to hear, please.
"I'm sorry sir, but no. He just wanted me to give you this rose and to tell you that he's not a coward." My helper looks sad for me.
"Did he asked where am I?"
He nods. "Yes. I told him you went to Seoul for some important business."
My heart still beating faster I need to hold tightly on the counter. I think I'm going to pass out.
"And sir?"
I looked at my helper. My lips parted as I am already breathing through my mouth.
"He's asking how is Beomgyu. It seems like, he knows about the child."
