Dirty Duty || TAEJIN ☑️

Process

You, yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

–Buddha

💜💜💜

"He's asking how is Beomgyu. It seems like, he knows about the child."

I thought my head will burst. I'm scared now. My biggest fear is finally here.

Does he know that Beomgyu is his son? If he doesn't, I'm scared of his anger once he knew. I saw how he turned into a beast when he's furious. He will blame me for not telling him. He deserves to know. He is the father. I'm scared of his possible questions. Why did I keep my son from him? To be honest, I don't know the exact reason. All I know is I am too ashamed to face him.

But knowing that he's been sending me flowers for a year now, there is a big possibility that he knows that Beomgyu is his child. If he knows and he did not make any move, then maybe he understood my feelings. He's not angry. I hope he's not.

"Did he really mention Beomgyu's name?" I asked. Nervousness laced on my voice.

My helper nods his head. "Sir, he is a frequent customer."

"Say what?!"

My helper looks scared as my voice gets high. He fixed his apron and cough a little.

"I'm sorry. But I haven't seen him around." How can he be a frequent customer if I'm not seeing even his shadow in my cafe?

"I noticed he's coming when you're not around, sir. He will order a cup of coffee. He's playing with Beomgyu all the time."

I looked at my son giggling inside his crib. I have a crib for my son in my cafe. I don't want to leave him in my apartment alone with the nanny. The only time he's not with me is when I need to go to my suppliers.

"You're not telling me."

"I'm sorry, sir. But I thought he just grow fond of Beomgyu since he's always here. Like our other customers. He said he lost his son two years ago. And one more thing sir..."

I looked at my helper. His revelations just keep on making my body quiver. It's true. I should have not asked why he did not tell me. A lot of our frequent customers grow fond of my little boy. They sometimes give him toys. My helper thinks he's just another customer who likes my son. My son is a charmer. He is always smiling at everyone. Maybe because he almost grew up here with me in the cafe seeing a lot of people. To be fair, people here in Busan are very warm and nice. The same faces every day. The neighborhood is peaceful and welcoming. In here, my worries somehow disappear, or at least, it lessens.

"Do you somehow know that man? I mean, it seems like he knows you."

I know my helper and his mother already have a clue. You can really tell who the father is when you look at Beomgyu and Taehyung. If Taejin looks like me, Beomgyu looks like Taehyung.

"Did he say anything? Can you please tell me everything?" I asked.

My helper looks at his mom and his mom looks at me. "He's mostly quiet. He's not really mentioning anything. He will look at the baby, will play with him for a couple of minutes then he will leave. We know that he's avoiding you because he will appear only when you're not around and he will not ask. Mr. Kim, at first, I thought it's just a mistake. I already noticed that Beomgyu looks like that man. But my son also noticed the similarities. We're just afraid to ask you. We don't want to offend you."

I closed my eyes. "If the man you're talking about is the same man that I am thinking about right now, then yes, he is the father. Taehyung."

My helper and his mom look at each other then back at me. I know they have so many questions in their minds. I have a lot too.

I find myself confusing a lot of times. I got disappointed when I thought that Ken is the one sending me flowers every day. I really want it to be Taehyung. But when I learned that it's really Tae, I started to become very nervous and anxious.

I don't have anything to hide from him. Just our son whom I don't even know until now why I tried to hide from him. Am I being selfish once again? Or I'm just really selfish right from the start?

***

Taehyung (Finally? 🤧)

"Are we really going to stay here and stare at his cafe? It's been two hours." Yoongi said as he yawns. "You know, Hoseok and our baby are there waiting for me. It's funny as if our boss moves to Busan, everyone will move to Busan. Like our lives depend on you."

"You can leave if you want." I scowled at Yoongi.

"That's not what I mean. Why don't you man up and finally show yourself instead of sending him rose every day? You know we all sacrificed for you to act just like a coward." Yoongi shrugged and I got his point.

I run my hand on the steering wheel. I take a deep breath. "The doctor said not to force Jin if he's not ready. You know his condition. I can't just show myself up and send him into a panic."

"So when is the right time?" Yoongi places his arms above his head. "I know he's in those blaming game two years ago. You look like a pushover watching him from afar. You endured just watching him do his way and give birth to your child. That's so fucking painful for you to Tae. Both of you deserve to be happy. Like I and Hoseok and Jungkook and Jimin. I mean, you wasted two years just looking after him. Why don't you let him feel your physical presence?"

Jin went into a pit of depression two years ago. His trauma leads him to blame himself. To some, blaming oneself is a coping mechanism but to some, it's a sign of near depression and anxiety and the doctor said he needs to check Jin directly to know which one is Jin. But Jin refused and instead, he left.

He blames himself for the death of our son. For the death of too many people who sacrificed just to save us. He blames himself to what happened to Jimin. He blames himself to just about anything and everything.

I wish I did not come back. I wish I went back to Jeju then my son would probably be still alive. Namjoon will not do that if I only choose to stay away from you. It's my fault. I'm a curse to your life. I'm a disappointment. It's my fault.

He had a lot of If only's. Everything that happened, he only had one answer, it's his fault. No matter how I tried to assure him that it's not his, the more he insists. It hurts to see him crying in pain every day to the point that he's not talking anymore.

The doctor told me to just let Jin go through the process of healing as people have different ways of coping up with trauma. He's not showing any signs of suicidal tendency. He just wanted to shut himself put of the world.

I tried my best to be with him. It's not that I'm not affected about what happened. I am surely on the brink of losing myself too but I should be stronger for Jin. I need to be there for him. I chose to support him rather than lock myself in my room and grieve for my son's death. We grieved together in a while. But I know Jin's pasts made him more vulnerable. And I know what our son wanted. I know he wanted me to take care of his father.

"Boss, you wouldn't know if he's ready if you will not ask him. Remember, Beomgyu is growing up. A 5-minute playtime with him once to twice a week will not make you a father. You watching Jin from afar will not make you a better man for him. A rose a day will not make up to the times you wasted for being a coward. All those things will not compensate for all those times that you're not there for them."

"True, it's Jin's choice but you let him go just to let him heal alone. Because you said you wanted to respect him and showed him that you will support him. Love is about sacrifice. I know. But Jin is healing. Two years is enough for him to somewhat heal himself a little. You can see the happiness in his face. He's smiling a lot now. He will be forever incomplete because Taejin is not here anymore but you can fill the missing pieces in his heart. Two years of you enduring all this pain is enough too, boss. It's painful for him but it's painful for you too. Jin needs you. He really does. And you need him too."