Dirty Duty || TAEJIN ☑️

Decisions

Angst ahead

***

I'm on my way to Seoul with my one month old baby in my arms. It's been seven months since the last time I saw Seoul. Nothing really changed. I just think it became busier. Or maybe because life on the country side is peaceful and less noisy.

With a small baby bag on my shoulder, I got off the bus.

I lost my job two weeks ago. I'm expecting it, to be honest. I know I need to quit soon anyway. No one will take care of my baby. I'm just leaving him to my neighbor.

My savings are slowly depleting and I'm starting to get worried. I need to face the truth. I cannot raise my baby alone.

I gave birth to him alone. I brought myself to the hospital alone. I did everything on my own. I really thought I can make it alone. But I was wrong. I need to swallow my pride. I just can't make it on my own.

I stared at my baby boy as I took the stairs of a low rise apartment building. I used to be here when I was in college. When things aren't complicated yet. Fun times.

And now I'm here for a very painful decision. My legs feel heavier as I near the floor. I think about this thoroughly and I really know that this will be the best for my baby.

I knocked on the door. I waited for a while before the man I went here for opened the door.

"Oh my! Jin!" He exclaimed as he saw me on his front door.

"Hoseok." I smiled. "I'm sorry to bother you but I really need to talk to you."

"Of course of course. You can. Come in." He pulled me in as he looked at me and my baby. "Sit down."

I sat on his couch.

"What happened to you?" He asked while he looked at my now tanned skin due to frequent exposure to sun. And my worn out clothes. "Where have you been?"

I sigh and gives him a weak smile. "I used to work in Jeju, drying seaweeds. That's where I got my tanned skin. But I lost my job two weeks ago. I will apply again. The reason why I'm here. By the way, how are you now?"

"Aishhh! You don't need to worry about me. You looked.. you get thinner Jin?"

I chuckled. "I know. Life isn't always good. I know I looked miserable but believe me, I'm fine."

"What's his name?" Hoseok asked as he rub the little foot of my baby boy.

"Taejin. Don't laugh please." I smiled.

Hoseok giggled. "You really named him after you and his father."

"How's Jungkook and Taehyung by the way?" I missed my hyung so much and my ex boyfriend.

"They continue their father's fishing business. Finally, they did something legal. It going good. And.." He showed me his finger with a diamond ring. "I'm engaged!"

"Woah! Oh my gosh.. I'm so happy for you!" How can he be so lucky and I'm not?

He leaned over to hug me but I move away. "No.. I.. I smell like fish.. I'm sorry." I think I already smell one as I am always at the sea.

"Jin!" He hugged me tight. Nobody hugged me in a while. I missed the comfort of someone caring for me. "Who took care of you when you gave birth? He looks a lot like you Jin. Especially his lips."

I smiled. I know. My neighbor said Taejin looks like me. "Myself. Would you believe, I brought myself to the hospital?" I laughed of the thought but Hoseok frowned.

"Jin.. I'm sorry you need to feel that. You don't deserve any of this. You are so precious to be in that situation now." Hoseok firmly press my hand.

"I deserved this. As I think about what happened, It's really my fault. Betraying Jungkook. Betraying Taehyung. They were the ones who truly love me. I should have not lied. But that's life. I'm moving on." I shrugged as I suppress my cry.

"You can stay here with me." Hoseok's offer is too good to resist but I don't want to be a burden to other people.

"No. Taehyung might not like the idea. And I don't want him to see me. He said he don't want to see my face ever again." As much as I want to stop it, I just can't. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

Hoseok shakes his head. "No! That's not true. He's going crazy looking for you. He went to Haenam some months ago then to Jeju but they failed to locate you."

I am surprised that they went there just to look for me. "Hobi, I know what he wanted. That's why I'm here. I know he wanted the baby."

"Jin, he wanted you and the baby. Believe me. Yoongi told me." Hoseok insists but I don't believe him.

I took a deep breath.

"Hobi, Taehyung can never forgive me. You're not there when he asked me to leave his home. He hit me with the handle of his gun. He slapped me. He pushed me. He will not do that if he's not angry."

"Jin he's not angry anymore. I swear he's looking for you."

I shook my head. "Please! Don't make me hurt again. It's too painful. You don't know what I've been through. Just please. Not anymore. I've had enough." I cried. I've never felt so empty. "I betrayed everyone just to be loved by my father. I don't know why I needed to suffer this much. All I wanted is to be loved. What's wrong with that?"

"But Jin.."

"Listen Hoseok, please do me a favor." I hugged my baby tight before kissing him on his forehead. I handed him my boy that made him startled. "Please give him to his father. I'm really sorry if I will give you a burden. I couldn't raise him alone. I don't even have the money to buy him milk and clothes. Just, take him."

"Jin you don't need to do this." Hoseok said as he move his arm to give my baby back to me.

"Please Hoseok? Just take him. Give him to his father. I know how much he wanted to have our son." I stood up. If I will not leave now, I might take him back. "I need to catch the ferry back to Jeju."

I head towards his door.

"Jin no! Come back."

"Thank you Hoseok and I'm really sorry. Please tell Taejin that appa loves him." I said as went out of his home. I can hear him still shouting for my name. I just run away.

My son deserves a better life and that's not with me. It's painful but I am at peace knowing he will be under the care of his father.