South park oneshots

Kyman - Unlikely pair

Kyle,  Stan,  Kenny and Cartman sat at a table in the middle of a new food place that had just opened up called " Nueva Familia".  Kyle had suggested that they go somewhere new this week,  sick of seeing Cartman forcefeeding himself burgers every time they went anywhere. "  Here are your orders sirs" The waiter said happily to the boys before putting their food in front of them,  then turning to Kyle. " Im sorry,  your food might be a little late,  I asked for it to be made with extra care since I want to see that gorgeous face more often. " He said winking. Kyle blushed lightly at the compliment,  smiling back up to the boy.  " The names david by the way" The waiter said,  reaching out a hand which Kyle shook.  " Kyle" The ginger replied cheerfully.  Meanwhile Stan was staring at the pair in confusion,  Kenny was looking at his plate of food with drool threatening to pour out of his lips and Cartman was glaring daggers at David. " You maybe wanna add your number to my phone? I have  to help other people soon or my dad will kill me but I need to talk to you more" David smiled,  handing his phone to the Jew. " Sure dude, I'll let you get back to work" Kyle grinned,  typing his number into the phone. He laughed when David saved him as 'Hot ginger'.  David then winked at Kyle as he walked over to serve another table. Kyle rolled his eyes playfully,  turning back to his friends,  instantly met with the red faced scowling brunette sitting in front of him. " KYLE YOU FUCKING JEW YOU KNEW HE WAS HERE I BET YOU ONLY SAID TO COME HERE BECAUSE YOURE GAY FOR HIM" Cartman screeched at him as he let all of his emotions pour out.  " Fucking hell chill out man" Kenny mumbled through a large mouthful of food as everyone stared at Eric in shock. " Yea fatass leave him alone he's allowed to talk to whoever he wants" Stan shrugged,  biting into a forkful of his own food. Cartman expected to be destroyed by a wave of jersey fury from Kyle,  so he was surprised when the ginger remained quiet. He was just sitting there, squinting at Eric like he was trying to figure something out. " Why are you looking at me like that Jew" Eric hissed,  poorly concealed panic lacing his tone. " I didn't know he worked here,  I just met him. " Kyle said,  changing the subject. " If you just met him then why were you flirting with him. " Cartman snarled through gritted teeth. " I wasn't flirt-" " - DONT FUCKING LIE KYLE I KNOW YOU LIKE HIM" Eric shouted,  his voice cracking as his heart broke and he disguised the tears in his eyes as tears of anger. " Dude why do you care so much,  are you jealous or something? " Stan groaned,  sick of the pairs constant arguing.  Kenny spluttered,  his face of delight changing to resemble one similar to if someone had just tripped over on the street.  He felt Cartmans pain but he couldn't help stifling giggles. Cartman shot him a look,  turning even redder than before. " Bathroom,  now. " Cartman snapped at Kenny and when he pretended not to hear Eric tightly gripped his arm,  abruptly standing up. Kenny whined in annoyance,  pouting as he stretched his arms towards his food while Eric dragged him away. Cartman slammed the bathroom door behind them,  kicking the wall angrily.  " FUCK!  WHY WAS THAT DAVID SUCH AN ASSHOLE!  UGH IM DAVID,  I HAVE NICE HAIRRR, UGH KYLE GIVE ME YOUR NUMBERRR. " Cartman mocked,  his nose crinkling as he made faces. " Dude you seriously gotta chill" Kenny sighed. " Just tell Kyle how you feel and maybe he won't let people flirt with him any more. " Cartman looked at Kenny,  his anger melting into hopelessness as he frowned.  " Its not that fucking easy. Kyle hates me,  and he thinks I hate him. And you're the only person who knows I don't." Cartman sighed,  running a hand through his hair. " Do you want me to help? " Kenny offered after some thought. " How are you going to help poor boy,  buy him a present? " Cartman snapped,  making Kenny roll his eyes. " Look man do you want my help or not. " He said annoyed. " Ok fine I'm sorry whats your plan satsuma. " Cartman joked. " Eric bro not that I don't love your attitude but first step to getting Kyle to like you,  dont be such a dick. " Kenny grumbled. Cartman opened his mouth to retort,  but when he decided that Kenny was right he closed it. " Ok I guess you're right" He finally muttered. " Ok,  so when I want to get a girl or guy I'll just straight up flirt.  Tell Kyle what you think about that Jew fro that you can't fucking stop going on about. Leave the part out about him smelling of cinnamon though because thats creepy. " Kenny shuddered with a laugh,  making Cartman chuckle and punch his arm lightly. " Shut up dude" He laughed. " Ok so you wanna try it? Im right next to you so nothing can go wrong. " Kenny said reassuringly, to which Cartman took a deep breath and nodded. " Lets go then" Kenny said as the pair left the bathroom. David was back at their table talking to Kyle who now had a delicious looking plate in front of him. " Fuck off DaViD" Cartman mocked as he scowled at the boy,  who looked at him surprised. " Uh,  I should get back to the kitchen anyways,  talk to you late cutie! " David winked at Kyle before walking off.  " Cartman dude what was that for? " Kyle asked,  annoyed at how rude his friend was to everyone and everything. " I... " Cartman began,  looking at Kenny who gave him a thumbs up. " Your hair..  Is really..  Its..  Your hair..  GINGER! " Cartman spluttered,  running back to the bathroom followed by Kenny. " Dude what the fuck is going on with him today? " Stan asked,  shoving more food into his mouth.  " I dont know..  I just wanted a nice day out with him you know?  Ugh,  I was stupid to think that I could confess anything today. " Kyle frowned,  putting his head in his hands. " Hey man,  don't give up,  its fatass,  he probably just has like mad diorreah" Stan chuckled lightly,  making Kyle smile as he placed a hand on his back reassuringly. " Yea, " Kyle sniffed. " Hes probably in there punishing the toilet. " He chuckled,  wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Stan laughed,  looking up to see Cartman approaching again. " Your butt okay man? " Stan grinned as Eric sat down with Kenny. " I think Eric has something he want to tell you Kyle" Kenny smirked. " He does? " Kyle asked sharing a look with Stan. " Yea I uh..  I..  Fuck why do I have to do this again Kenny" Cartman groaned,  looking to his friend for support. " Just get it over with dude" Kenny urged,  leaning on his hands as he watched the scene unfold with anticipation. " God fucking,  UGH.  I like you Kyle. " Cartman said quickly,  turning a dark red as he looked away in embarrassment. " Wow it was so hard to admit that you don't fucking hate your friend" Kyle rolled his eyes,  not fully understanding what Cartman meant.  " No..  I mean like..  I like..  Oh for fucks sake this is fucking gay. " Cartman snapped.  " He means he's like really gay for you Kyle,  like 'won't stop going on about how hot you are to his best friend Kenny McCormick' gay for you. " Kenny finished for him. Cartman looked away in embarrassment,  not denying the truth. " Oh" Kyle said,  eyes wide.  Stan  shared his expression.  " Oh?  Thats all you have to say?! " Cartman squeaked defensively. The whole table went silent.  " Fuck this" Eric finally said,  standing up prepared to storm off. " Wait.. " Kyle said,  gripping his arm and standing up next to him. " What,  want to mock me Jew?  Want to rub it in that im gay for you and you're not? " Cartman said,  trying his best to hold in his tears. " No fatass. I want to tell you that even though you are a bigoted fucking asshole,  I,  for some reason like you too. " Kyle said angrily,  a smile forming on his lips as he said the last three words. " You do?  You better not be fucking with me Kyle. " Eric warned,  the vulnerability in his voice making Kyle feel like he had to prove that he wasn't kidding. " Im not fucking with you..  Ill prove it. " Kyle said,  taking a deep breath before bending forwards and placing a kiss on Erics lips.  All of a sudden Kenny started clapping,  cheering loudly and drawing the attention of just about the enitre restaurant while Stan sat staring open mouthed.  He had known how Kyle felt,  but fucking hell was it weird to see the two arch enemies making out in front of him. " Dude Kenny, lets give them their privacy" Stan said,  finishing his food and standing up.  Kenny high fived Cartman as they left and Stan was sure to pat Kyle on the back to show his support.  Kyle and Cartman were an unlikely pair,  but boy were they perfect for each other.