Loki and I

The Problem with Dating (S1 E17)

"How'd it go?"

"Not well," I sigh, sitting in front of Loki's cell.

"Oh?" Loki grins matter of factly, crossing one leg over the other with his arms folded. "Tell me about it."

I suck in a breath and think back to just a few hours ago. "Well... it all started when-"

"Hey, I didn't want the whole story, I just wanted to-"

"SHUT UP, LERKI, LET MEH VENT!11!1!1!!!!!" I scream. Loki gives me a blank look, so I continue. "So right after I came to you, I went to get ready. I took a bath and everything! I combed my mane, as hard as that is with no magic, I brushed my teeth and I even preened my wings. But it didn't feel complete. Something about my appearance made me unhappy. Then I realised. My wings.

"I mean, I've always hated them, but right then and there I had extra hated them. Then I looked at my flank, a terrible reminder that it was blank. I'm a blankflank!" I wail. "So I tried everything to make my appearance less... underdeveloped. I painted a yellow halo with white wings on my butt for a cutie mark. I wrapped a jacket around me so you couldn't see my wings, and I thought I looked better already. But the second I walked outside, it started pissing down with rain, which is a really annoying, inconvenient coincidence.

"Anyways, after screaming at the sky for twenty minutes, I ran to the cafeteria where I knew Joe'd be, because, you know, that's where all the pudding's at. And Joe said he loved pudding! Surely enough, he was there, waiting at a table in the corner. I have to admit, a date in the cafeteria? Pathetic. But we don't have a cafe, of which I'm aware of, and Joe even set up the table, with a red tablecloth and a tall, romantic candle lit in the centre of the table. And, of course, the cutlery and dinner plates were set up nice and white and shiny for two. Boy, did he know how to make a girl feel special!

"I started heading towards him, trying to trot as gracefully and beautifully as I could. But then I realised I was soaking wet from the rain. I didn't know how I'd missed it earlier, but I did. I couldn't go on a date with Joe looking like that!" I exclaim, throwing my hooves up in the air.

Loki gives me a cheeky smirk. "Why not?"

I glare at him, but continue the story. "So I went into the bathroom. A mare who went in there previously must have had really bad bowel problems or something, because it stunk like old corn in there. That and coming from one of the stalls were loud, groaning noises after every loud farting sound. So I did the only sensible thing I could do. Pass out from the smell. I must have been out for about, maybe five minutes. Anyway, when I came to, a yellow pegasus with a long, light pink mane was standing over me, nudging me and asking if I was okay.

"Of course, to cover up the fact that I had just passed out and had no idea where I was or what time it was, I jumped up and screamed tribal chants right into her terrified little face, running out of the bathroom because the disgusting smell was still in my nostrils. It was like when you look at the sun then turn away and blink. Except for noses."

"Pleasant," Loki says sarcastically, wrinkling his nose.

I ignore his comment, "So now, my jacket had that gross, warm, moist feeling in it like when you go swimming and sleep in your towel. It was disgusting!
And my damp mane was starting to frizz, so a part of it was dry, the undercoat was damp. And I'm pretty sure my left eye was going spastic and watery for some reason. Then I realised I was late for the date! I couldn't be fashionably late, because... well, I wasn't very fashionable. I'd just have to be soggy-with-a-twitchy-watery-eye-ably late.

"Now, what did I do about that?
Absolutely nothing.
I just went up to Joe and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, saying, 'Hey, Zoe!' But then he saw me and screamed, jumping butt first onto the table. A fork stabbed his ass and he leapt up in pain, then started levitating with his wings. 'What are you doing here?' His voice sounded sorta frustrated as he glared at me, pulling the fork from his butt and throwing it away.