One Shots ❦ Camren + Others

#26: Paralyzed

(A/N) Trigger Warning ⚠️

also, ive been writing this for literally over a year now, it's my baby 🥺 enjoy

***

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue,
Feel like they came from someone else...

***

"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say "My tooth is aching" than to say "My heart is broken."

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

***

Camila's POV

Dear me,

I am sorry.

I am so fucking sorry that you tried desperately to heal others, when your hands were coated with your own blood. You ignored that hole in your soul, as you allowed the blood to seep out of your wounds, while you were too focused on others.

I am so fucking sorry that I never allowed you the time to heal. Instead, I chose to let you seal the wounds of others, when you were crying out from your own pain.

I am so fucking sorry, that there were days when it had hurt to smile but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one would have to worry about you.

You're supposed to be the strong one.

Right?

But strong people have breaking points too.

I am so fucking sorry that there were nights, when you laid in bed awake. Crying, but you couldn't understand why.

But most of all, I am so fucking sorry that I did not love you like you deserved to be loved.

Could you ever forgive me?

- Camila.

***

Some days it takes a lot of work just to pretend to be okay.

"Good morning!" A customer greeted me, cheerfully when they entered the shop that I worked at. They were arm in arm with a woman, smiles on both their faces, and I couldn't help but envy them.

Why were they happy and I wasn't?

I forced a smile, "Good morning," I responded. They seemed pleased with my response and wandered around the shop looking for whatever it was that they wanted to purchase. It amazes me that nobody ever realises how truly empty I actually am.

Maybe all my fake laughs and smiles really do work.

My eyes were glossed over, for some fucking reason, I wanted to cry.

That was all I ever did these days.

Cry.

I don't know what it feels like to be okay, anymore. I don't recall the last time, I ever felt happy.

I have a bad habit of isolating myself when I am sad or depressed. Part of it is because I don't want to drain the happiness out of those who are around me or burden them with my problems. It's my cross to bear.