Finding the Light

The First Night

    I made it home without running into anymore strange men, and I needed a shower. Katherine and Cayla were both in their rooms, so I ran up to my bathroom without being seen. I knew I was sweaty from the yoga class, but I was also still a little flustered by my thoughts during it. That Charlie lingered on my mind during the meditation, and my thoughts were not exactly family friendly. I turn the water on in my small shower, and get undressed. The bathroom starts filling up with steam and I can feel myself relax a little. My phone dings as I get ready to step in, and my heart skips a beat. I'm not really sure why I'm acting this way but I need to stop. I pick up my phone to find that it's not Charlie, it's Jake.
"Hey, are you busy this afternoon? I thought maybe we could get together before Lisa's party. Just let me know."
Jake is a nice guy, and he's fun enough for an evening of play, but I keep him around mostly for information. Katherine has been in love with him for a couple years, and she tells him all of her secrets. This is why I started sleeping with him too. It's been going on for as long as I've known Katherine. When she and I first met, I wasn't sure I could trust her, so I needed a way to get information about her. Jake likes her well enough, but he hasn't committed, and it's been two years; so I'm not sure he ever will. However, it could be my influence is the reason he won't. I have a suspicion that he's hoping one day we will be something more than what we are, but that will never happen. He's nice and all, but I just don't need him for anything else besides casual sex, and information. He tells me pretty much everything if he thinks it means we get to spend time together. I'm not sure if it's for the sex or if he actually likes being around me, but it's useful to me all the same. He definitely would be a nice distraction from my thoughts today, so I decide that I will go see him after lunch. I just need to find a way to get away from my roommates. I send him a quick reply.
"Sounds like fun, I'll meet you at your place around 2:00."
Finally, I step into the shower and feel my muscles relax the rest of the way. Today was a long class, and I'm a little sore from it. I love going to yoga; it has helped me these past few years to actually relax. When I first moved to the city, I could barely leave the house without having panic attacks. Then one day I saw a flyer for a class at a studio not to far from home, and I've gone at least twice a week ever since. I start to lather up my hair when my thoughts, again, go to the man in the street. His arms were so large, but he held me so delicately. His grip was strong and light at the same time. I start to wonder what his grip would be like on other parts of my body. I rinse my hair out and grab the loofa off the wall. I imagine his fingers trailing up my arms as I drag soap across them. Goosebumps immediately rise on my skin, making it hyper sensitive. Then I move onto my chest, and imagine his full lips kissing the tip of each breast. They are hard and tight and I can feel them tense even more as the loofa grazes across them. My breath catches and I start to feel a familiar heat in my belly. I soap up my chest the rest of the way and move onto my legs. I'm dragging soap up the inside of my leg when I picture Charlie's mouth kissing my inner thigh and I sigh a little. I drop the loofa; my hand finds the delicate skin of my sex, and I'm already soaking wet. I start to massage and I have to bite my lip to keep from moaning. I think again of Charlie's hands, and imagine them replacing mine. This makes me convulse and I can tell I'm already close. Finally I imagine those full lips kissing me in the exact spot my fingers are circling, and I come undone. My orgasm is strong and I have to grab the wall to keep myself steady. It takes me a full two minutes to recover from my private session before I can finish my shower and realize what just happened. I doubt I'll ever see this guy again, but even if I don't, I can still have these thoughts. As strange as this might be, he is attractive, and I can't always get to Jake when I need him. Actually, Jake doesn't always satisfy the need anyway. I step out of the shower and towel off. I can hear Cayla and Katherine talking in the hall, so I wrap the towel around myself and open the door.
"I'll be ready in about 20 minutes for lunch, are we still going?" They're both already dressed, and turn to me at the same time.
"Of course we are. We were just talking about Jake." Cayla says his name, and she tilts her head at Katherine. Her face falls a little and I can tell this is not going to be a fun conversation.
"What's going on with Jake, is everything ok?" I am curious about the situation, but I probably already know what it is. Katherine goes through this every few months with Jake. She has wanted to have a committed relationship with him, monogamy and all, since they met and started dating two years ago, but he always says that he's not ready to have that sort of pressure put on them. My theory is proven right when Katherine sighs and starts to tell me what's going on.
"He just doesn't want to have anything real with me. I feel like we're so close, and we always have fun together. The sex is great so I know that's not the problem, but something is. I'm starting to think maybe there's someone else."
My heart drops slightly at the thought of my friends finding out about the "someone else" and I have to take a breath before I reply.
"I don't think there's anyone else. Maybe he's just afraid that putting a label on the two of you would ruin the fun and the connection that you already have. Making things official does put more pressure on you."
"Maybe you're right. I just hope that he sees one day that we should be together officially. I don't know how much longer I can stay this way. Two years is a long time, and I'm ready to think about settling down." Katherine sighs again and shakes her head. I do feel bad that Jake hasn't committed to her, I know she loves him, but he's obviously not in love with her if he's sleeping with me.
"Let me get dressed and we will leave for lunch. I think some afternoon cocktails will lighten your mood." Cayla and Katherine smile at me and each other in agreement, and I go into my room to get dressed.
Jake doesn't come up during our lunch and we are having a really nice time, when Cayla asks how my yoga class was this morning. My thoughts immediately go to Charlie and my cheeks flush. Katherine being Katherine notices right away and asks me what's wrong. I pause for a second before I decide to tell them about my strange encounter on my way to class.
"Well I was on my way to yoga, when I literally ran into a man. I was checking an email, and I wasn't paying attention and I smacked right into him. If he wouldn't have reached down and grabbed me, I would have fallen flat on my butt."
"Why did thinking of that make you blush? What else happened with this mystery man?" Damn Katherine and her inquisitive nature. I sigh and decide to tell them the rest.
"Well, we had like a moment? I'm not really sure how to describe it, but he held onto me for a few seconds to long, and everyone started starring at us. He flirted, I wanted to get away, but he insisted on walking me to my class, and then we exchanged numbers. But I doubt I see him again. That's it really." Both girls look at me with expressions of shock on their faces and I don't understand why.
"What?" Is all I can say before they both start laughing.
"You literally had a story book moment this morning, and you wanted to get away from him?" Cayla says while giggling like a three year old.
"Jocelyn, I know that you don't want a boyfriend, but I think the universe has a different plan for you." Katherine is smirking at me, and it irritates me, but I can't point out why.
"The universe does not have a 'plan' for me. I just ran into a guy. He hasn't even texted me so I don't think I'm going to be seeing him again."
I need to change the subject. Talking about Charlie is making me uncomfortable, kind of the way I felt when he was standing next to me. I don't like feeling out of control, and this has gotten WAY out of control.
"Cayla will Timmy be at the party tonight?" I look at Cayla hoping that this will send her off on a tangent about her long term boyfriend Timmy. Well, long term is probably not the right way to describe them. They met about a year ago, and immediately hit it off. They started dating officially six months later. They've been inseparable ever since. I've never crossed a line with Timmy. I thought about it in the beginning, but Cayla has never given me reason to doubt her. She was the first friend I made in the city, and I'm lucky she was. I know that I could cross that line if I wanted though, Timmy has made that clear to me, but I don't feel the need too.
"He will! He's actually going to drive us over. I haven't seen him all week, so I'm really excited to spend the weekend with him." Cayla really is in love with him and it makes me so happy for her. We spend the rest of our lunch talking about Timmy, the party, and other weekend plans, and I relax into my seat not letting anything ruin this perfect afternoon.
When we get home, I run up to my room and grab my bag. I tell the girls that I'm headed to the office for about an hour to grab a few things, and that I'll be back in a little bit. I walk down about three blocks, to where the bus station is. We live in a small suburb in Ohio, and most people have cars, but I prefer to take the bus. It lets me have even more anonymity, because cars can be traced. The last thing I need is someone finding out where I am because of something as stupid as a car. So I take the bus; it doesn't always have the best company, but it's the easiest way for me to get around. I find a seat in the middle, plug my headphones in, and watch out the window as the city passes by.
Instead of getting off at the stop for my office, I ride along a couple miles more to the next one. Jakes apartment is right in the middle of downtown. He seems to like it that way because there's always something for him to do. I prefer a more quiet place, and plan to someday have a house in the woods, where I can sit on my porch and hear nothing but crickets and birds. Before I reach his apartment, I take a quick look around to make sure I don't see anyone I know. When I'm sure that no one is around I step into the building and walk over to the elevator. Jake's apartment is on the third floor, and he answers the door immediately when I knock. He must have been eager for me to get there because he pulls me in the door and hugs me right away.
"Whoa what has gotten into you today?" I'm confused by the gesture because he's normally not affectionate with me in that way.
"Nothing, I'm just happy to see you is all. It's been weeks, and I guess I missed you." He rubs the back of his neck with his hand and looks slightly embarrassed.
"It's only been, maybe, nine days Jake."
"I know, but that's too long."
I tilt my head at him and smile a little. I do like Jake. He has a kind heart; even if he doesn't always make the best decisions, i.e. sleeping with me. He stands in front of me and puts his hands back on my shoulders. He stands just under six feet tall, and has the lanky appendages to go with it. His mop of blonde hair comes down in messy waves and stops just above his ears. He has light green eyes, and they crinkle at the sides when he laughs too hard. He is a very cute boy, and he does know how to make me laugh.
"Is that why you invited me over today? To tell me that you missed me?" I don't have much time, and I need this distraction, so I try to remind him why he texted me in the first place. Realizing what I'm doing he says,
"Oh no, I planned on showing you why I missed you." He winks at me and pulls me in for a kiss. His lips press against mine, and I sink into him deepening the kiss. I wrap one hand around the back of his neck, and gather his hair in the other. I may enjoy being close to him, but that doesn't mean I want him calling the shots. I open my mouth inviting his tongue in, and I hear him moan into me. I can feel his erection growing as he presses himself harder against me. I push him back against the wall and he grabs my waist, giving me a squeeze. I pull away from the kiss and he sighs wanting more.
"I don't think we should do this in front of the door." I pull him further into the apartment and open his bedroom door. We close it, and then we each start taking off our clothes separately. I have three rules when it comes to sex; one: I always take my own clothes off. Two: I never sleep in bed with a man. And three: I never fall in love. The third hasn't been a problem since I left Chuck, but I made it just the same. The first time we hooked up, Jake tried to take my shirt off, and I left. I explained to him that I don't like being undressed; if I want to be exposed, I'd rather do it myself, and he's respected that rule ever sine. He watches me with hungry eyes as I drop my shirt to the ground. My bra comes next and he sucks a breath in when my breasts are in full view. I have always been busty, and I'm thankful for it now, because it can have its advantages. My nipples are tense at the anticipation of being touched. Jake is standing naked in front of me with one hand on himself. I cup one breast in my hand and run a thumb across the tip and see his response when he grips himself even tighter and gives a small tug. I slowly unbutton my jeans, and slide them, along with my panties, down to my ankles and step out. I nod at Jake letting him know it's ok for him to come to me, and he doesn't hesitate. He grabs my waste and kisses me again. He is warm next to me skin on skin, and I wrap my arms around his back pulling him closer to me. He walks me backward until we fall on the bed. From there he drops to his knees in front of me. My nipples tighten even more ready for what is to come. He kisses my left leg, then my right, and leaves a trail of bites making his way to the apex of my thighs. Finally when he gets there he buries his face into me, working his tongue against the sensitive spot at the top. He slides a finger into me, and I buck my hips off the bed. I can feel him smile against me, and he pulls his face away to watch his finger work. He slides a second one in and stretches me even further open. I grab onto the sheet and push further onto his hand. I can feel the heat in my belly and I know that I want more. I pull him up from the floor and he climbs on top of me. He kisses me gently and I can taste the saltiness of my arousal on his mouth. He stops for only a moment to grab a condom from the nightstand and I watch as he slides it on. He pushes into me slowly, and I watch as his mouth becomes a perfect "O", and he squeezes his eyes shut. I need more.
"Faster please, harder." I beg, and he obliges.
He starts pumping into me, at a much rougher pace, each thrust feeling even better than the last. I need only a little more time before I will feel that sweet release. He stills for half a second, and I know what's coming.
"Oh yes, Jocelyn." He whispers through clenched teeth as he pushes into me one final time. He collapses on the bed besides me, spent and empty. I roll my eyes and sit up. This isn't the first time this has happened; actually it happens a good 40% of the time. Jake can be fun in bed, but it defeats the purpose if I don't get to cum too. He doesn't seem to notice my lack of orgasm and catches his breath before he starts making conversation.
"So are you going to be at Lisa's party tonight? Katherine called me this morning and asked if I was going to go." Jake asks rolling onto his side. He's still naked, and he's sweating a bit. He looks sexy like this, I wish I had time for another round so maybe I could get some relief. I have to pause a moment to remember what he said to me.
"Oh the party; yeah I am going actually. Kat and Cayla convinced me, and it has been so long since I've been out to see everyone. Speaking of Kat I really should get going. But I'll see you tonight. And possibly later this week?" Jake smiles at my request to see him again. He really is such a sweet guy. I dress quickly and give him one final kiss before I walk out into the afternoon sun to catch the bus home. Charlie pops into my head as I'm starring out the window, and it makes me wonder if my fantasy would ever let me out of bed without an orgasm. Since he is a figment of my imagination, kind of, I don't think he would and it puts a smile on my face.
Later that night, Timmy picks us up in his tiny honda and gives Cayla a quick kiss as he opens the front and back doors for us. He looks comfortable in his jeans and band t-shirt. He's quite tall, but he can't weigh more than 150 pounds soaking wet. He is so boyish when you look at him, all smiles and cracking silly jokes. It doesn't surprise me that Cayla is head over heels in love with him. They are a match made in immature heaven. Katherine and I slide into the back seat of the car and I listen to the three of them chatter on while we drive the few miles out to Lisa's small house.
When we get there the house is all lit up, but there's only about 10 people inside. I'm glad Katherine told the truth about this being a small party. Music plays softly in the background and everyone is gathered around the kitchen island pouring drinks and laughing. Lisa notices me first and I swear she almost shrieks as she comes hurtling at me.
"OH MY GOD JOCELYN!! I am so excited to see you. It feels like years since you've come to see any of us."
She wraps me in a huge hug, and I hug her back realizing that I have missed her quite a lot. Lisa went to school with us, and while she and I have never been that close, she is a good friend, and is always a lot of fun to be around. Sitting around the island are the normal people. Brandon, Tasha, Mackenzie, Zach, and of course Jake. He watches me as I walk further into the kitchen, but he is soon distracted by Kathryn. There's also four people I don't recognize, but Lisa quickly introduces them as Karen, Andy, Tessa, and Jen. We all exchange pleasantries, and I pour myself a glass of wine. As I'm listening to the conversations about work, football, and something involving cheesecake, the door opens and I suddenly feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I turn around slowly and standing in the doorway is the man from the street. Charlie. He's here. At Lisa's house. And he's brought a girl with him.  He and I make eye contact and he looks startled for only a moment and then a small smile plays at his lips. Brandon pops up from the table and goes to greet him. From what I can hear between the ringing noises in my ears is that they met a few weeks ago. He walks into the kitchen and brushes my arm slightly as he walks past me to sit down. I feel the same electricity I felt when I took his hand earlier today. Was that just this morning? It feels like a life time ago. I watch him find a seat and sit down. The whole room seems to shrink around him, he is that large . He dwarfs every other man around the table. He's just as handsome as I remember him being this morning, and I feel my cheeks flush. His hair is pulled back into a knot away from his face and it only seems to make him more attractive. He joins into the conversations with ease and only glances at me a few times. I gather myself, and shake my head slightly. I will not let this annoying man get to me. Sure he's handsome, but he is here with another girl. A game player. Cayla is standing beside me and I nudge her with my hip. She looks at me and I nod toward the beast of a man sitting at the end of the island.
"That's him" I mouth the words to her, and it takes her only a second to realize what I'm referring too. "Wow" is all she can whisper back.
I need to get away from this. I excuse myself to get some air and wander out to the back patio. I stand against the railing overlooking Lisa's backyard. The evening air has gotten crisp, and it feels good against my hot skin. Suddenly I get the feeling that I'm being watched and then the sliding door opens. I don't even have to turn around to know that Charlie has followed me out onto the back porch.
"Well I knew I'd see you again but I didn't think it would be this soon." He stands next to me, a little too close, and I take a step to the side to widen the space between us.
"Yeah, it was a surprise for me too. Especially to find out you have a girlfriend." I can hear the annoyance in my voice, but I can't tell if it's from the girlfriend or the fact that he followed me out here in the first place.
"Girlfriend?" He looks genuinely confused for a moment, then he remembers that he did come in with another girl.
"Oh Casey? No she's just a friend. No girlfriend. I don't do girlfriends." The finality in his words is striking, and I realize that he, like me, doesn't want, or doesn't believe in, love. I find myself wanting to know more.
"Don't do girlfriends? What does that mean exactly?"
"Well I just don't believe in the notion that there's one person for everyone. I think that we're on this Earth to have fun, and meet as many people as possible. And I don't think we can do that if we're tied down to one person and one place."
He leans against the railing and I can see his muscles strain against the black button down he has on. It makes my mouth water slightly and I take another step back.
"Well I understand not wanting to be tied down. I don't do the whole dating thing either. I'd rather just be alone." He looks surprised at my words and turns toward me again.
"Wow, that's not something I'm used to hearing from women. Usually they are all about finding 'the one' and getting married and having babies." He gives an exaggerated shudder at the mention of marriage and I giggle at the gesture. That smile I remember from this morning comes onto his face and I smile back.
"No I'm not the marriage type. I decided long ago that I only love me, and I don't need someone else to do that for me." His smiles fades slightly and he looks out toward the yard. His brow furrows as though he's in deep thought and it's a full minute of awkward silence before he turns to me again. There's a look of concern but also curiosity on his face and I have no idea what he could be about to say.
"Jocelyn, you're not at all what I thought you were." I'm completely confused now.
"Well I didn't know you thought I was anything because we only met 12 hours ago?" He can tell that I'm confused, and he explains further.
"Well after we met this morning I thought you might be different, but now I'm certain. I'm finding it hard not to think about you, and I think maybe you've been thinking about me too." I feel myself flush when he says this because my first thought is about my shower this morning. I think he notices but he keeps talking.
"Knowing your stance on relationships, I have a proposition for you. Now this may seem strange, but hear me out. And if you hate the idea, I will respect that and you'll never have to see me again." He stops to gauge my reaction before he finishes what he's trying to say. I nod and he continues.
"What if we just hooked up. For fun?"
I'm taken aback by this question and my first instinct is to be offended. But I ponder the proposal for a second before I respond.
"You're asking me, to be friends with benefits. We met 12 hours ago, and you're already asking me to sleep with you." These are not questions, I'm just trying to catch myself up to his thought process. He shrugs his shoulders and sighs.
"Yeah I guess I am. I know we've only just met today and had about a total of 20 minutes worth of conversation, but we can get to know each other as we go. I want to spend time with you, don't ask me why because I'm not sure myself; but I know that I do. So just think it over. You have my number so you can let me know later." He turns to walk away, but I reach out and touch his arm. Before I even know what I'm saying I blurt out,
"Well how do we even know we're compatible. You said it yourself, we know nothing about each other. How do I know I'm even going to enjoy this."
He grins at me, and I feel my face heat up. This could end very badly, and I have a sinking feeling that it will. But I want this, I can feel the need inside me so I push the worry down and take a small step closer to him.
"Well I could kiss you. Just a kiss, and that should tell us all we need to know about compatibility." I want to say no and walk away, but my body has other plans and I'm stepping toward him. His hands find my waist and he pulls me into him. He stands so tall, that I have to lean back slightly because he's leaning into me. I grab ahold of his arms and feel how strong he is. I can already feel my arousal soaking into my panties. Just before he kisses me he looks into my eyes and says.
"I think we're going to do just fine." And with that, he pushes his mouth onto mine.