Finding the Light

What He's Been Hiding

Things have been strange for me these last few weeks. When Derrick told us about Chuck's sentence, my soul went numb, that's really the only way I can describe what happened to me. I've never felt so alone, I've never felt so betrayed, and I've never felt more like I was being punished for something that I didn't do. My bruises have finally gone away, and I look like myself, aside from not knowing who I am at all. When I met Charlie, I was finally starting to become the person I was meant to be, but now that Chuck is looming over my head again, I'm just a shell of whatever it is I was before Charlie. I finish brushing my hair, and pull it back into a low ponytail. It's been five weeks since he went to jail, but Chuck has been with me every night in my nightmares, and there's nothing that I've been able to do to get rid of them. Charlie being there helps a little, but he's been getting out of bed more and more often, and just leaving me alone for hours on end. I think that the stress of all of this is getting to him too, and he just doesn't know how to deal with it. I walk out of the bathroom and into the bedroom to get dressed for work. It's finally Friday, and I can't wait to have the weekend off. Work has been so stressful, and I'm beyond behind with all the new authors I've signed. I'm actually surprised that I haven't been fired yet, but I think my bosses feel bad for me. They know about everything, it was kind of hard to hide it when I showed up and everyone could see the bruises even through the mountain of makeup I was wearing, but they've been really great about everything. As I'm finishing getting dressed, I hear Charlie talking to someone at the front door, and I go out to investigate. When I walk around the corner, my dad and brother are standing there and when they see me, their faces light up with the biggest smiles I've ever seen.
"Daddy, Todd, what are you doing here?" I hug them both, and I'm happy to see them, but it's strange of them to show up unannounced.
"Well, I brought you a surprise." My dad smiles at me and he has such an excitement in his eyes.
"What do you mean a surprise?" I smile back at him, and for the first time in what feels like years, I can actually feel a little warmth returning to my heart.
"Come outside, I'll show you." All three men turn to walk out the front door, and I follow behind, but I can't see anything because they are like a wall in front of me. Finally they part like the Red Sea, and I see a brand new white SUV sitting in the driveway.
"Daddy what is this?" How is him buying a new car a surprise for me? I'm very confused and I turn to face him, but he's still grinning.
"This is your new car. I know Charlie has been taking you to and from work, but I can only imagine that is getting old really fast, and I wanted you to have the option to get out on your own every once in a while. So, Todd and I went and picked this out yesterday, and I wanted to drop it off before you left for work today." He pulls a set of keys out of his pocket, and there is a tiny pink bow attached to the key ring. I reach my hand out to take them, but I'm in complete shock over this. I look up at Charlie, and he is smiling, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He always says that he likes taking me to work, but part of me thinks it's so he can keep tabs on me. I ignore him for the moment and hug my dad.
"Daddy, this is to much, thank you." I can feel the tears threatening to come, but I push them back down. My dad has been skeptical about Charlie from the beginning, and part of me feels like he got me this car so I had a real chance to get away quickly if I needed to. If I'm being honest with myself, there's nothing I've needed more. I am always one to have a back up plan, and this is the perfect way to always know I have a way to run.
"Just promise me, you'll use it to come visit your family every once in awhile. We miss you dearly, and you mother is worried about you all the time." My dad looks like he might cry as well, but he quickly composes himself. Todd gives me a side hug and kisses the top of my head.
"Yeah, we really do miss you, most of the time anyway." He laughs at his own stupid joke, and I elbow him in the ribs.
"Oh shut up, Todd." The three of us laugh again, and then my dad and Todd say their goodbyes so I can leave for work. I walk back inside with Charlie following behind, and I can feel the tension between us. Things have been so awkward between us since Derrick told us about Chuck, and I know that Charlie is angry about it, but there's nothing either of us could have done. I want to say something to him, but more than anything I just want to get out of this house as quickly as possible. I know he's been hiding something from me, but I can't figure out what. We've barely touched each other, and I wake up alone most mornings because he falls asleep in his office or goes to the guest room in the middle of the night. I don't know where things went wrong, but I'm not going to force him to be with me if he doesn't want to be. I go into the bedroom to slip on my shoes and grab my phone and bag to head out, but before I make it to the door Charlie stops me.
"Babydoll, are you sure you don't want me to take you to work?" He is standing in front of the door with his arms over his chest and his brow pinched together. Even though I'm irritated with him, he is still the most handsome man I've ever seen, and seeing him, still in his pajamas, with his hair a mess around his face makes my breath catch. I force myself to look away from his mouth, and clear the dirty thoughts that have clouded my mind, for the first time in weeks, and look him in the eye.
"No, I'd like to take myself. You've been forcing me to get used to being alone at night, so I should get used to being alone during the day as well." As I say the words, I can see how much they hurt him, but they also make me realize just how much I mean them. He has left me to deal with this by myself, and has offered little to no support. Those first few days, he wouldn't let me out of his sight, even going as far as to stay in my office a few times, but soon he got bored of it, and probably tired of my depression, and shoved me to the side. His arms fall to his sides and he looks at his bare feet.
"I'm not trying to leave you alone baby, I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I'm so sorry that you're hurting." He steps forward and puts his palm on my cheek, and I lean into it. He hasn't done this in weeks, and the connection sends an electric shock straight through me. He is irritating, but he is my home, and I will always come back to him.
"I know it's been hard for you, and I'm sorry. I never meant for my past mistakes to cause you any pain. I promise, I am going to get better, and then we will get back to being normal. I miss you Charlie, and I love you more than anything, please believe that." I wrap my fingers into his, and press his hand closer to my cheek. He leans down and kisses my forehead, causing a soft moan to escape my lips.
"I love you too baby. Please let me know when you get to the office, ok? Since I'm not taking you, I won't know you're safe." He kisses both my cheeks then my lips. His feather light touch makes goosebumps rise on my skin, and I sink into him further. My belly starts to burn with desire for him, but I don't have time. I force myself back and try to catch my breath.
"Charlie, I have to go, or I'll be late." I frown up at him, really not wanting to leave, but knowing I have too. He gives me a sad smile and nods.
"Ok, I'll see you tonight. I love you."
"I love you too." He steps aside so I can walk out to my new car, and I start it up. I haven't driven myself anywhere in almost four years, and if I'm being honest, I'm a little nervous, but I put it in gear anyway and pull out of the driveway. I really do miss the connection Charlie and I had. We are meant to be together, and I need to fix this hole in our relationship before it gets any bigger. It's my fault it's there, I know that, and I also know I will do anything to keep him. He brought me back to life, he showed me that love is real, and that I'm worthy of it. I don't blame him for not knowing how to deal with this situation, it's not like this is something common that happens all the time. Most people don't have psycho ex-lovers stalking them and then not getting a long enough jail sentence. I still can't believe that I got so little justice for what he did to me, but it's my own dumb fault for not reporting anything back when it was happening. I shake my head at myself, I really need to stop blaming myself, when I should be blaming Chuck. None of this would be happening if he was a good man, and hadn't tried to ruin me. I pull into the parking garage at the office, and park in a visitor spot. I've never had a car, so I don't have my own spot so I need to remember to stop at reception and get a parking pass. As I get out something about today feels off, but I shake the feeling away and walk to the elevator. Once I get into my office, I send an email to the main receptionist requesting a parking spot be made available for me, and then I dive into the mountain of emails that have been unanswered all week. I really have been in a fog, an almost dream like state these past few weeks, but today I feel pretty normal, so I push myself to get as much done as I can in the little time that I have.
I'm starting on the third new manuscript that I have in my file when my stomach growls. I look at the clock, and it's 11:45. I'm going to leave at 12:30 today so I can go home and surprise Charlie, so I try to push my hunger away until I can get home to eat lunch with him. I try to go back to reading, but there's a knock at my door and my heart jumps into my throat. Charlie must have come to have lunch with me. I jump up and run to the door like a three year old on Christmas morning, but when I open it, it's not Charlie's face that I'm met with.
"Eric?" There are butterflies suddenly in my belly, threatening to burst out any moment when he smiles down at me.
"Hi honey, it's so good to see your face. Can I come in?" He reaches up and gently brushes his finger tips along my forearm, causing sparks to dance across my skin.
"Of course you can." He grins again, and I step back so he can walk into my office and I can close the door.
"Eric, I haven't heard from you in weeks, where have you been?" He hasn't spoken to me since that morning on the front porch, and I found this to be really strange, considering he talked to me, or tried to talk to me, at least once a day. His face seems to get pale, and he does everything he can not to look me in the eye. He's sitting in one of my office chairs and I'm sitting on the front of my desk, so he really has nowhere to hide, but he's doing his best to act like I'm not here.
"I've been around." He sounds so unlike himself, and I'm starting to get worried.
"Eric, tell me the truth, are you alright?" I tilt my head at him, and look him right in the eye so I will know if he's lying to me. He rubs the back of his neck with his hand, and I can tell he's trying to decide whether or not to tell me the truth. Finally, he sighs and looks up at me.
"Well, the truth is, I tried calling you everyday after that Sunday, but everyday it went unanswered. I started to get worried, so I showed up at your house a couple weeks ago, but Charlie answered the door. He was less than pleased to see me, but I had to know you were ok. He told me that you were his, and I needed to get over the fact that you didn't want me, and that you never wanted to hear from me again. So I left, but something still felt wrong about the way he said what he said, and I knew I couldn't stay away forever, so I decided to come check on you today." He sounds so upset, and I can hear the worry in his voice. I can't believe Charlie did that. I'm his? How could he say something like that, I'm not a possession that he gets to own. The butterflies I felt in my stomach are quickly turning to rage, and I am barely holding it together.
"Eric, he should never have said those things to you. I always want to hear from you, as selfish as that may be, but it's the truth. I'm sorry I didn't try to call you back, but something happened the day after you came to see me, and things have been kind of a mess since then." I run my hands through my hair and decide to tell him what's going on. He knows about Chuck, so he may as well know about this too.
"Chuck was sentenced five weeks ago, but he took a deal instead of going to court. He only got 60 days in jail. When I heard that news, everything stopped existing in the world, it was like the lights went out everywhere all at once, but I'm starting to get better, and I'll deal with everything when the time comes for him to be released." As I'm saying it out loud, I realize that I am going to be ok, it's just going to take me a little bit of time. Eric, however, looks horrified.
"Oh Jocelyn, I'm so sorry. He deserves so much worse than that, and you deserve so much more. Is there anything I can do for you?" He stands from his chair and wraps his arms around me. I melt against him, and nuzzle my face into his shirt. I have missed him hugging me this way. I always feel so protected when I'm in his arms, and his touch is always so gentle.
"I just need you to keep doing this." I hug him tighter, and he kisses the top of my head.
"Gladly." His voice is so soft. I didn't realize how much I had missed him, until just now, and I don't even feel guilty about it. Usually the thought of Charlie finding out about Eric holding me like this, makes me want to stop, but I don't think anything could make me want to stop right now. I lean back slightly so I can look up at him. When his eyes meet mine, a wall breaks, and my tears flow down my face.
"Honey, why are you crying?" He puts both hands on my cheeks and uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears, but there's a steady stream now, and I don't know if they'll ever stop.
"I don't really know. I think that you being here, and being so kind, has finally helped me feel like a person again. I've felt so alone, for so long, and now that you're here, I'm really starting to just feel better." My voice keeps cracking through my sobs, but I don't care. He smiles again, and then kisses my forehead. He pauses for a moment, but then stands back up, and I know he wants to kiss me further. I'm glad he doesn't, though, because right now that's not what I need. I just need him to hold me together. We stay wrapped around one another for a little while longer, but I need to get going.
"Thank you so much Eric, for coming to see me. I missed you more than you will ever know." I smile at him while I grab my bag from the desk, and we walk toward the door together.
"I will always be here for you Jocelyn. No questions asked, whatever you need, whenever you need me." We walk in a comfortable silence toward the elevator, and I push the garage button. He looks confused and I have to laugh.
"My dad bought my a car, I drive now. Can you even believe it?" I laugh harder and he smiles at me.
"I really can't, but I'm happy about it. That just gives you even more freedom." When we get to my car, I throw my things in the backseat, and turn to hug him again. He runs his fingers through my hair, and a shiver runs down my back. I wonder if his touch will always do this to me, or if it will fade over time. I take a step back, and he pushes my hair back from my face.
"Can I call you tomorrow?" His fingers graze over my cheek, and I can feel the familiar heat in my belly, but I try to push it away.
"Of course you can." I grin at him, and stand on my tiptoes so I can kiss his cheek. He smiles, and then watches me pull out of the garage before heading off to his own car. There is something about Eric that is so special, and I'm so grateful that he came today and made me feel better, but right now I can't wait to get home to the man I love. I can't even remember the last time Charlie and I made love, and right now, it's all I can think about. As I weave through traffic, trying to get home as quickly as possible, all I can think of are his lips grazing over my skin, and his fingers digging into my flesh. I'm so glad that I'm going home early, I'm not sure I would have survived a full day without touching him. I finally pull up to the house and park the car. I check my face in the mirror before I get out and practically run to the front door. I take a second to compose myself and steady my breathing before I go in. I'm so nervous, but so excited to spend the afternoon in bed with Charlie. I open the door quietly, so I can surprise him, but immediately something feels wrong. Grizzly doesn't run up to me like he normally does, but he's probably just in the backyard, so that's not it. I shut the door quietly and just stand there, taking in the energy that I feel running through the house. The air smells wrong, and I can feel that someone is here who shouldn't be. My skin starts to crawl as I walk further into the house, and then I hear it. My heart starts pounding so hard that I think I may be having a heart attack, but still, I push myself forward. I look into the den, but the sounds aren't there, so I walk down the hall and turn into the family room. I freeze, and my breathing stops. This can't be real, I have to be hallucinating. I blink a few times, but the scene in front of me doesn't change. My vision goes fuzzy for a second, and I'm afraid I might pass out, but I don't. Instead my brain is laser focused on the people in front of me. Charlie is here, but he's not alone. There's a woman with him, a woman who is my polar opposite. She is tall, rail thin, and blonde. He has her bent over the front of the couch. One hand is fisted into her hair, while his other is wrapped around her neck holding her in place. She's moaning and he's grunting like some kind of animal behind her. A small sob escapes my lips, and that's when he finally notices me standing there. He freezes, and when his eyes meet mine, there is pain and guilt all over his face. I can actually feel my soul breaking in two, and I put my hand over my mouth to hide my cries.
"Shit, Jocelyn, wait, this isn't what it looks like." He shoves the woman down onto the couch and she yells but he ignores her, and grabs his shorts from the floor. He starts running to me, but I immediately run back toward the front door. I slam it shut behind me, trying to give myself some time to catch my breath, but he is behind me in an instant, turning me around and pulling me to his chest. I try to shove him back, but he's stronger than me, and he holds me tight to his chest.
"Baby, please don't go, let me explain." He puts his palm on my cheek, trying to calm me down, but it makes my stomach turn. I finally wiggle free from his grip and I shove him back against the door.
"No Charlie, I won't let you explain. What is there to explain? You were fucking some woman, in our home! That's all the explanation I need. I can't believe I trusted you." I run off the porch, but he follows me still.
"Jocelyn, please don't go, we can fix this. It's not what it seems, she is nothing to me." There are tears running down his face, but instead of feeling bad, I just feel more anger.
"I don't care what she is to you." I open the door to my car and climb in, but he won't let me shut it.
"Baby, please, I love you." He tries to touch me again, and hearing him say those words make me question my decision for a second, but then I see the woman step onto the porch. She's wearing Charlie's shirt and nothing else, and she's watching us, with a smug smile and an infuriatingly proud look on her face. She locks eyes with me, and I know that this is what she intended, which makes me realize this has been going on for awhile. This makes my anger bubble up again, and I turn to look Charlie right in the eye. I know I don't mean what I'm about to say, but I want him to hurt as much I hurt right now. I want him to know what it felt like when he broke my soul.
"I never loved you." He stumbles back, almost like my words punched him in the chest, and I slam the door and fire down the driveway. I need to get away from him, but I don't know where I can go that he won't find me. He will certainly look at Jake and Eric's houses first, then he will call my parents, so I can't go to any of those places. I need to be alone right now. I need somewhere that I can hide and be alone with my sadness and hurt. I turn onto the highway, and speed down the road, trying to put as much distance between myself and Charlie as I can. The more miles there are between us, the easier it will be to forget about the man who raised me up, only to throw me back down.