Finding the Light

The Third Day Part 2

Jocelyn's POV

I'm trying to concentrate on this meeting I'm in about new online authors, but I just can't. I steal a peek at my watch, 11:55. I only have to sit through five more minutes of this and then I can head out for lunch. Jake texted me this morning making sure I was still coming over, and I need this more than I realized. Not for anything physical, actually that's the last thing on my mind, but because I need to see if Katheryn has told anyone about the police report and Charlie spending the night. I really don't want that getting around and if anyone is going to spread it, it's going to be her. I almost told him no, but I have to know what he knows and I also need something to feel normal, and seeing Jake feels normal. I wonder if Charlie would be jealous of Jake? He was so sweet last night, and I did feel safer with him there. That is until I realized that he had locked me in the bedroom with him. I know he didn't know, but it still freaked me out. He looked so hurt when I got out of the car this morning. I can't continue to see him, but I need to reconcile with him. I don't want him feeling bad, or especially hurt, that I have to walk away. I'm vaguely aware of my boss dismissing us, and I pack up my things, realizing I've barely taken any notes. The last five minutes have felt like an eternity. I walk to my office, grab my bag, and head to the elevator. I'm waiting for everyone to shuffle in when I hear my phone ping. Charlie. I haven't heard from him all day, and I feel my face break out into a huge smile. I quickly open up the message and my smile gets even bigger.
C: I hope you're having a good day. I will be waiting outside your office when you get off at 4. I can't wait to see you.
I know I'm smiling like an idiot, but I don't really care. I take a second to think about my reply. I don't want to seem to eager, but I am really happy to hear from him.
J: I am having a good day. Thank you again for picking me up. And I'm excited to see you too.
I put my phone back in my bag, I can check it again once I leave Jake's house. I need to know what he knows. I walk the 7 blocks to his house because it's faster than taking the bus, and I ride the elevator up to the third floor. When I knock on the door he opens it and steps aside so I can come in. I'm a little confused because two days ago he was pulling me into his arms telling me how much he missed me. I know now that Katheryn must have said something to him, and he's looking at me with an expression that makes my hair stand on end.
"Jake are you alright?" I just need to get this awkward out of the way because the atmosphere in this room is making my skin crawl. I'm barely through the front door and I just know it's going to be bad. He looks at me for only a second more and walks into the kitchen and I follow. He sits down at the table and I take a seat opposite him.
"How was your weekend? I didn't really get to talk to you that much." He's just kind of starring at me, and it's almost like I'm in trouble and sitting in the principal's office. Finally he sighs and answers me.
"My weekend was fine. Until this morning when Katheryn called me. Look I know we're not exclusive, but I didn't know you'd been having sleep overs with this random guy that Brandon brought to Lisa's party. And then she told me he tried to kidnap you, and they called the police, but then you came home and were scared that you'd have to move for some reason about a creepy guy, and then random dude spent the night with you. In your bed. Do you know that in the last two years I haven't even seen the inside of your room? But you know him for a day and he gets to stay over. Care to explain any of this to me?"
Ok wow, I figured Kat would tell him something but not everything. I cannot believe she did that to me. I have to compose myself before I answer because I am fuming. I take a deep breath to stifle my anger.
"Ok first of all, he didn't try to kidnap me. He made me dinner and we fell asleep at his house, and my phone died so I couldn't call Cayla or Kat. Then yes, when we got back to my house the police were there, but I'm not moving, and everything is fine. I'm not sure why you're so mad at me?" I understand that he might be a little jealous that Charlie got to sleep in my bed, but being this angry is just a little bit crazy. He looks furious again and I'm afraid he might start shouting.
"Jocelyn I'm mad because we have been doing whatever it is we're doing for two years, and I can't get anywhere with you, but this guy shows up and all of the sudden you're letting him cook you dinner? Letting him sleep in your bed? I've never even gotten to watch a movie with you. We've never been on a date. What makes this guy so much more special than me?" Watch a movie with me? Go on a date? What is he talking about?
"Of course we've never done those things Jake, because you're with Kat. She is your girlfriend, not me. Why would we do those things? If we tried to go somewhere or spend more than an hour at a time together we could get caught and all of this would go away? Is that what you want? For this to end?" I need him to realize that if he wants more, then this has to stop right now. I can't lose my friends over this, and I don't want to lose Jake either, but I will choose Kat over him; even though I apparently can't trust her with anything. He rubs his face with his hands clearly irritated with me and the whole situation.
"No of course I don't want this to end. I care about you to much, and I'm just worried about you. I mean how much do you even know about this guy? Brandon told me he's only been in town six months and that he's kind of sketchy. So I just want you to be careful." I find myself getting upset. Jake knows nothing about Charlie, and I don't like the way he is insinuating that he is some kind of creep.
"Jake that's enough. I'm fine. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself and make my own decisions. Charlie is a nice man, but you don't have to worry about being jealous of him. I'm not going to be seeing him for much longer. I know that our relationship can be frustrating to you, but I promise that our friendship is important to me." I'm so angry that he's insulting Charlie, but I also need to keep him calm and reassure him. The last thing I need is him going to Kat and telling her everything. All of my relationships are on the line if he gets too upset.
"Why aren't you going to be seeing him much longer? What did he do to you?"
"Why do you assume that he did something to me?" Jake is just worried about me, I understand that, but why would he think Charlie did something to me? What could he think Charlie would have done?
"Well I just assumed you liked him. So if you like him why wouldn't you be seeing him anymore?"
"I just don't want to see him anymore Jake, that's all. Why are you so upset about all of this? Is there something you're not telling me? I mean you are sleeping with me and Kat, but I've never gotten jealous and upset with you over it." He makes a face when I mention this and I can tell he's starting to understand my point. He has to see how double sided this is. If he can sleep with Kat, and probably other girls as well, then I should be free to see others too. He said it himself we're not exclusive.
"I know. I know that I'm with both of you, but I guess I didn't know you were seeing anyone else. It just all took me by surprise. Especially when I had to watch him kiss you the way he did on Saturday. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be upset and I'm not, but it does make me a little jealous. I mean this guy is getting a kind of attention from you that I can only dream of, and he's known you for two days. We've been at this for almost three years. I mean if I'm being totally honest one word from you and I'd tell Kathryn everything and I'd be at your door. That's why I got so jealous." He shrugs his shoulders and reaches across the table for my hand. His hand is hot in mine because my skin is ice cold. I can feel the shock on my face. I don't even know what to say to him right now. I knew that Jake liked me and that his cheating with me was part of the reason he wouldn't commit to Kat, but I never could have imagined it was this deep. Maybe I need to put a stop to this as well. He's staring at me and I know he's waiting for a response but I just don't know what to say. I shake my head a little to clear my thoughts, but it doesn't help. I am just lost in these last few days. Everything that has happened with Charlie and the police and now my friends, I can't seem to get my head straight and everything is spiraling. I wanted to see Jake because I wanted something normal, something familiar, but this has taken a turn that I never could have foreseen.
"Jake I just don't know what to say to that. Are you saying you want to be together? You want more than what this already is?" He looks uncomfortable, and he runs his hands through his blonde hair. I've never seen him so frustrated.
"Yeah I guess, but also no. I know that I have stronger feelings for you than I do Kat, but you will never commit to me. I can just tell. Otherwise you would have asked me to leave Kat years ago. If I want to have a future with someone it has to be Kat, but that doesn't mean that my feelings for you aren't real." I realize now, that he's hurting. Our relationship is hurting him. I want to give him some sort of comfort, but he has to know that this will never be anything more. I just don't have the capacity to be in a relationship that lasts more than one night at a time. I sneak a peak at my watch, 12:30. I have 20 minutes to make sure I don't leave on a sour note. I take a deep breath, stand and walk around the table to him. He turns toward me and opens his arms. I walk into his waiting embrace and he hugs me tight. I feel his body relax as I tighten my arms around his neck. He nuzzles his face into my hair and sighs. I don't want to end our friendship, but I also don't want to keep hurting him this way. Maybe we can spend a little more time together, I'm sure we can find a way. I give his neck another squeeze and then pull away but don't break our contact.
"I'm not saying that I think this is a good idea, but I care about you Jake, and I want to make up for how much I've hurt you. So maybe we can try to spend a little more time together. I'm not sure how we will do it, but if it will make you happy then we will try. However, I want you to know that I'm not sure I'm capable of anything more than what we have now. I don't want this to end, but I'm not sure how much more I can give. So we will try to spend more time together, but I don't want you to get your hopes up if it doesn't go the way you want." I want to make him happy, but I also know I have to be crystal clear about the impossibility of this growing into anything else. The look on his face is unreadable at first, but then a smile takes over. He pulls me into him again and hugs me even tighter. After a second he leans away only slightly and grins at me.
"I can be happy with that. I think that with just a little bit more time together maybe you'll see the possibilities I see with us. But I promise that we will go slow." He smiles again and then pulls me into a kiss. He's eager, but not aggressive. He's never kissed me this way before. I'm not sure why it's different, but it's nice. He wraps one hand into my hair and pulls me closer to him, his other hand still wrapped around my waist, holding tight. His lips are gentle against mine and moving so slow and soft. I'm ready to deepen the kiss and move this along, but he pulls away from me and kisses my forehead. I'm confused as to why we're stopping and I try to kiss him again, but he pulls further away.
"Jake what's wrong?" He doesn't look angry, he's just smiling at me slightly and holding me to him.
"Nothing is wrong. But we're not starting this new thing out with quick and meaningless sex. We are going to have a proper date, or at least a movie or dinner, and then we can have meaningful sex. I just want this to seem real, so maybe one day it will BE real." He laughs and kisses me quickly on the lips. I'm still skeptical, but I have to get back to the office.
"Ok, well I guess I should be headed back to work then. I'll talk to you later today?" This was not how I expected our visit to go, but I'm happy with the outcome I suppose.
"Why don't I walk you back to the office?"
"I don't know Jake. What if someone sees us?" I'm more than concerned about that because people know Jake and Kat are together. His brow furrows as he thinks this over, but he squeezes my hands and smiles again.
"Listen who's to say that you weren't just out for a walk on your lunch break and I just happened to bump into you. There's nothing wrong with two friends walking down the sidewalk having a normal conversation. Right?" His optimism makes me giggle and the sound makes him smile even more.
"Ok Jake, you can walk me back to the office. But if you want a hug or kiss it has to be now because you can't do that in public." This whole thing makes me nervous, but he's so happy and I don't want to hurt his feelings again. He stands up in front of me and grabs me by the waist and hugs me close. He brings one hand up to my hair and kisses the top of my head. I'm expecting more but he just takes my hand and leads me to the front door.
"Ok, you go out first and I'll meet you down the block in a minute or so. Deal?" Wow, he's actually being smart about this.
"Alright, I'll see you in just a couple minutes." I give his hand one more squeeze and head out the door. The elevator ride is quick and I'm out the front door before I know it. I'm not sure how this "new" thing is going to go with Jake, but I'm happy he's happy. However, I'm also confused about what he meant by "meaningful" sex. Is there even such a thing? I've never had meaningful sex; at least I don't think I have. I think about my time with Charlie yesterday. Was that meaningful? It was different than anyone else I've been with, but I don't know if that's meaningful. I think I just wanted him more than I've ever wanted anyone else. Thinking of Charlie makes my heart hurt. I can't keep seeing him; it's caused so many problems already, and I know that it has to end. Both for my safety and especially his. The thought of saying goodbye to him makes my eyes sting with tears. I can't cry in the middle of the street with so many people around so I push the thought from my head and wipe my eyes quickly. I can tell my face is flushed as I turn around and see Jake walking up behind me. He has the goofiest grin on his face, but he looks so cute.
"Jocelyn! Wow what a coincidence running into you! What are you doing?"
"Laying it on a little thick don't you think?" We both start laughing and head in the direction of my office.
"Jocelyn I want to ask a serious question. Promise me you won't get upset?" What on earth could he want now. I'm hesitant but I nod at him.
"Did Charlie do something to hurt you? Is that why you aren't going to be seeing him again?" This day is going to age me ten years I swear. I don't want to talk about this with him, but I suppose I can tell him something.
"No he didn't do anything to hurt me. He's a very nice guy, but I don't think he's good for me. You can see how much trouble being around him has caused already, so I think it's just best if I keep my distance." He thinks for a moment, but he seems satisfied with my answer.
"Alright, as long as he didn't do anything to hurt you. I'm not sure what I'd do if I found out he was mean to you." Oh Jake, if you only knew how mean people can be.
"Please don't worry about it, I'm fine." He gives my shoulder a squeeze just as we're coming up to my office building.
"Thank you for walking me back. It was nice having some company." I smile at him and he gives me a slightly sad look.
"I want to kiss you so badly right now. Maybe one day we won't have to hide everything." He shrugs at me.
"Maybe, but please don't get your hopes up. I don't want to hurt you again."
"I know I won't. I promise." He reaches over and gives my hand a quick squeeze before he turns to walk away. I watch after him as he disappears into the crowd. I'm not sure how I feel about today, but at least he's happy. I walk into the building, unsure of how I'm supposed to get through the rest of my day. Charlie pops into my mind again and my heart swells with what I can only describe as loss. I haven't even told him goodbye yet, but my soul is hurting. I've never felt anything like this before and it terrifies me. Something is different about him. He is something more. I'm just not sure yet, what that means for him and I.