Finding the Light

Trying to be Normal

I am so exhausted, and being in the car is only making me sleepier. The police were at the house last night searching the woods for Chuck and taking statements from us for almost four hours. Of course they didn't find anything, but I never expected them too. He's to smart to get caught, and he would never leave a trail. I wonder if this will become my new normal, pretending to be ok for everyone else, while secretly looking over my shoulder every time I hear a noise. I don't know what his obsession is, but he's not going to stop.
"Baby, are you sure you're up for work today?" I jump a little when Charlie speaks, I was so lost in my own thoughts. We're about five minutes from my office, and this is the fourth time he has asked me this today.
"Yes, Charlie. I have to go to work. I missed yesterday so I could see the judge, but I have a really important meeting today, and I cannot miss it or reschedule. Besides, I have to live my life, I can't let Chuck control it forever." He squeezes the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turn white and I know he is angry with me, but I can't just hide at home like he wants. I have to stay in control of the situation, maybe if Chuck sees I'm not scared of him, and can still have a life, then he will leave me alone. Maybe a strong woman isn't as interesting for him.
"Fine, but I'm coming back to have lunch with you, and I will be here to pick you up. Oh, and I am walking you upstairs to your office, do not fight me on this." I roll my eyes at him. Saying that Charlie is overprotective would be the understatement of the century, but I want to make him feel better. I know that he feels like he's failing at keeping me safe, but he's doing everything he possibly can.
"Ok, I won't fight you, but no more scenes like last time you were here. I had to hear about that for three days from Rachel." He smirks at me, and I roll my eyes again.
"I was just trying to show you how much I missed you, but if it made everyone believe you were taken, then that is fine with me." Charlie parks the car across the street from my office and then he comes to open my door for me. I grab my bag out of the backseat, and he holds my hand while he walks me into the building.
"Are you really going to go up to my office? There is security here you know, I'm probably ok to go up by myself." Everyone is staring at us, and I don't really want to be the topic of conversation in the break room.
"Yes Jocelyn, I'm taking you all the way up. I told you don't fight me on this; probably ok is not the same as definitely ok."
"Fine." I know I'm being petulant, but I also don't need a babysitter. The elevator arrives and Charlie and I step to the back while everyone else files in. He looks down at me and he has a mischievous grin on his face.
"What?" He starts laughing quietly and leans down to whisper in my ear.
"I was just remembering the last time we were in this elevator." Oh god. I had forgotten about that, but now that he's reminded me, I can feel my face turn red, and I side step away from him, but he holds onto me tight, pulling me back to his side. Thankfully the ride is short, and we step off and I can breathe again. We walk down the hall, and I unlock my office door.
"Are you going to follow me inside too?" I am being sarcastic, hoping that he will see how ridiculous he is, but he just pushes the door open and gestures for me to walk in, and then he follows me. This is going to get old really fast. I put my things away and turn on my laptop, while Charlie just watches me.
"Charlie, I have to start my day, are you going to stand there and watch me, or are you going to go home?" He scrunches his face up, clearly confused by my outburst, and I suddenly feel bad.
"I'm sorry, I know I'm being difficult. Please don't be mad at me." His expression softens and he comes across the room and wraps me in his arms, pulling me into his chest. I breathe in the scent of him, my favorite scent in the whole world and I feel like myself again.
"I'm not mad at you baby. I understand that having me hovering over you isn't fun, but I'm just so afraid. This guy is a literal phantom, and I just don't know what else to do besides have you in my sights at all times." I snuggle into him, and he lays his cheek on top of my head.
"I know that it's scary babe, but everything is going to be ok. The police will find him, and then we won't have to worry about it anymore." He laughs, and hugs me tighter.
"When did this turn around to you comforting me?" I look up into his beautiful face, and smile at him.
"I've always been the one comforting you." I wink at him and he rolls his eyes, but smiles down at me.
"I guess I should leave now, and let you get some work done, but I'll be back to have lunch with you. I'll bring something so we don't have to leave." I give him another hug, not wanting to let him go, but knowing I have to.
"Ok, I'll see you in a few hours." He kisses my forehead before letting me go, and walks to the door.
"I love you baby."
"I love you too Charlie." He smiles my favorite smile and walks out, shutting the door behind him. A sudden cold chill runs down my spine once I'm alone, and a part of me wishes he could have stayed here with me all day. I bring up my calendar on my laptop, and I open up the tab for today. My meeting with Eric and Ted is in two hours, and I have to finish putting together the official file, and get the final copy of the contract up to Ted before it starts. I sigh to myself, not wanting to actually do any of this, but get to work printing things out, and organizing all the forms and papers that we need. Just as I'm finishing up, and getting ready to head to the conference room for the meeting, there is a knock at my door. The sound scares me so much, it nearly knocks me out of my chair. I catch my breath and then go to open it. Eric is standing on the other side, and he grins down at me when he sees me, and then he laughs, probably at the confusion on my face.
"Surprised to see me?"
"Eric? Our meeting isn't for another 30 minutes, what are you doing here?" His smile fades a little at my tone.
"Well, I thought I should come talk to you. You sounded so upset when we talked Saturday, and I wanted to make sure you're ok. I also wanted to apologize." What?
"Why would you apologize? You weren't the reason I was upset on Saturday." He looks over his shoulder then back to me.
"Do you mind if we go inside and shut the door? I'd rather everyone out here not hear all of this." My face gets hot as I realize we are standing in the doorway and anyone walking by could hear us.
"Of course, come in please." I step aside so he can walk in and I shut the door behind us. I lean against my desk and I'm the first one to speak.
"About Saturday, Eric, I'm sorry I was so short with you on the phone. I had a very strange weekend, and I just wasn't really feeling like myself. I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings." He sits down in one of the chairs and rubs his face with his hands.
"I was a little upset about that, yes, but I'm the one who needs to apologize. I called you and I could tell you were upset, but you shut me out, probably because why you were upset is none of my business, but I let it get to me, and I got angry. I just wanted to apologize to you for that." I sit in the chair beside Eric, and just look at him. I really do like him, he is so sweet, but I'm not really sure what to do now.
"Eric, you don't need to apologize. I was really rude on the phone, you had every right to be upset." He looks at me and there is sadness all over his face.
"Can I ask why you were so upset? I thought about you all weekend, and was so worried about you. I just want to make sure you're ok." I run my hands through my hair and sigh. This is just what I don't need, another man who needs attention from me, trying to make sure I'm ok.
"I'll be ok Eric. It's a long story, but basically I was forced out of my apartment, I lost all my friends, and my psycho abusive ex-boyfriend is in town and is now stalking me. It was a long weekend." I shrug my shoulders and he looks at me with terror all over his face.
"What the hell Jocelyn? All of that happened since I saw you last? Where are you living? Do you even have a place to stay? Do the police know someone is stalking you?" His mind is going a mile a minute trying to process all I have just told him. It's a lot for anyone to take in, and I just laid it all out on the table.
"I moved in with Charlie, so yes I have a place to stay. I also have a protection order, so the police are looking out for me. I can tell you more about this later, but Ted is waiting for us upstairs to sign your contract. Let's go publish your book Eric." I smile at him, trying to ease his mind, but it doesn't seem to work.
"You moved in with Charlie?" I shake my head.
"Really, that's all you're worried about?" He looks down to his feet.
"I'm sorry, you're right. Where you're living isn't my concern. Let's get upstairs, we don't want to be late."
Forty-five minutes later Eric's contract is signed and his book is officially being put into mass production. We also set some dates for a book tour and discussed an online release for paperless copies to be sold. Ted shakes Eric's hand and heads back to his office, leaving Eric and I alone.
"Well Eric, how do you feel?" He stands up and wraps me in a hug. I can't help but laugh, and return his embrace.
"This is incredible Jocelyn. I can't even express how happy I am, there are just no words." His happiness is infectious and all my worries from the last few days melt away instantly.
"I'm so happy to hear that Eric. Let's head back to my office so I can get all of this filed away and I'll answer any other questions you may have."
"Sounds great." He smiles at me again and we head down three floors to my office. Once we are inside, I go to my desk and start putting things away while Eric sits in the chair and just watches me. I finally get the last folder put back into my desk and then sigh, sitting down in my chair.
"All done. So Eric, do you have any questions for me?" I smile at him, still really excited about our meeting with Ted, but Eric's expression doesn't match mine.
"Are you sure you're ok Jocelyn? I am so confused about what happened to you, and I'm really worried about you." I sigh and sink back into my chair. My capacity for lying has run out, and that's why I told Eric the truth about this weekend, but now I'm seeing that was probably a mistake.
"I am fine Eric, or I will be with a little time." He sits forward, his forearms resting on his knees and waits for me to explain further. I roll my eyes, but decide that I should tell him, he may be my only friend left, and I don't want to start this relationship out with lies.
"Friday, after you left my office, I went home and took a nap. Charlie came to see me, and packed me a bag to spend the weekend at his house. Before we could leave, my friend Kathryn's boyfriend, Jake, confronted us, and admitted to her and everyone else in the room that he was in love with me. We'd been having an affair for almost three years. When he did that, it kind of ruined my friendship with my roommates, Kathryn and Cayla, and effectively made me homeless. Charlie asked me to live with him, which I agreed to, so yesterday we spent the afternoon moving things out of my apartment, and into his house." I finish my recount of the weekend and he just watches me.
"And the stalking?" He sits back, and I know he's not going to let it go. I take a deep breath, and then tell him that too.
"I was in an abusive relationship until I was 21. He found me on Saturday, and has been sending me threatening messages, but the police know, and I have an order of protection. So if he gets near me, he will be arrested. Charlie is aware of the situation, and he's basically just following me everywhere to make sure I'm safe." I can't even describe the look on his face, but I know he is upset. I stand up and lean against the front of my desk and he just looks up at me.
"Jocelyn, that is horrible. I understand now, why you were so upset. I'm so sorry I got angry with you." He runs his hands through his short hair, and then stands up in front of me. I feel that little pull toward him I felt the first time we met, and I just want to wrap my arms around him, but I can't so wrap them around myself instead.
"No Eric, please don't apologize. You didn't know what was going on, you have no reason to be sorry. I'll be fine, eventually, and everything with my friends will blow over. As for the Chuck situation, who knows when or if that will end, but I can handle it." He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes, searching for what, I have no idea.
"What can I do to help you? I want you to be ok, and if there's anything I can do to make that happen, I will do it." I tilt my head to the side and just smile at him. He really is the nicest man I have ever met.
"I just need your friendship right now Eric. My life is a big bag of crazy and I don't want to put that on you." He sighs but nods his head.
"I can do that. But if you ever do need anything, and I mean anything, please just tell me. I will help, no questions asked."
"Thank you Eric." He grins down at me, and then pulls me into his chest. I'm surprised for a moment, but then I wrap my arms around his back and nuzzle my face into him. It feels good being close to him like this, and I know I shouldn't but I tighten my arms around him even more. I feel him lean down and kiss the top of my head, and then the door shuts causing me to jump.
"Anyone care to explain to me what the hell is going on in here?" Charlie's voice makes my whole body go cold. He isn't yelling, he is completely calm, but that is scaring me even more. Eric steps back, but doesn't let me go right away, and when I look at Charlie, that seems to only make him more irritated. I don't know what to do, so I just drop my arms from around Eric and try to step away. When he feels my resistance, he lets me go and takes a step to the side putting some distance between us. Charlie is looking at me, waiting for an explanation, but for some reason, I can't remember how to speak. Eric notices, and steps toward Charlie trying to rectify the situation.
"I'm sorry, I was just saying goodbye to Jocelyn. I'll leave you two alone now." Charlie's face scrunches up in disgust and he stays planted in front of the door, trapping Eric in here with us.
"Why did you have to touch her to say goodbye to her? Jocelyn?" He looks down at me, and I swallow the lump in my throat, and force myself to speak.
"It was just a quick hug Charlie, I'm sorry you had to see that. Please don't make this into a bigger deal than it is." He has a furious look on his face. My whole body is shaking and for the first time ever, I am scared of Charlie. He looks back to Eric and his scowl deepens.
"I think you should leave." But Eric stays planted right where he is. He turns to me, and much to Charlie's displeasure he puts a hand on my back.
"Jocelyn, do you want me to go. Are you going to be alright?" I look up at him, and he has worry all over his face. I have to get him out of here though, because I don't know what Charlie will do. I nod at him and force myself to smile.
"I'll be fine Eric. I'll call you in a couple days." His brow furrows, and he obviously doesn't believe me, but he nods anyway.
"Ok, then I'll talk to you later." He takes his hand off of me, and Charlie takes a small step aside so he can walk out the door. Charlie tries to whisper, but the room is small and I can hear him.
"It would not be in your best interest to let me catch you with your hands on my girl again." He walks away from Eric and comes to stand in front of me, like a guard dog I didn't ask for. I look around him and see Eric watching me. I know he wants to say something but he just nods again and walks of my office. Once he is gone Charlie turns to me, and his anger is only growing more as he looks down at me. I'm still shaking, and I need to get away from him. I take a side step and walk around my desk. I try to hold myself together, but a tear betrays me and falls down my face.
"Jocelyn, you told me I didn't have to worry about him, but then I walk in here and find you in his arms like that. Is this another situation like Jake? Am I going to find out you've been sneaking around with him." I turn to look at him, and I don't even try to hide my tears. He thinks I'm cheating on him? Really?
"No Charlie, I'm not 'sneaking around' with him. He is a client, and he also happens to be the only friend I have left." He crosses his arms over his chest.
"He doesn't see you as a friend Jocelyn, how do you not realize that?" I roll my eyes at him, and that only makes him angrier, but his anger is starting to fuel my own and I go off on him.
"Yes Charlie, I know that, I'm not stupid. Eric promised he wouldn't ask me out anymore, and that he was fine with being just friends. I told him Friday after he kissed me that I couldn't offer him anything more than that, and he knows about you, so you need to stop acting so crazy." His eyes are wide and his breathing is heavy, and then I realize what I've done.
"You kissed him?" I wrap my arms around myself, trying not to break, and I shrink away from him. He is so angry, and I don't know what to do anymore.
"Well technically he kissed me." It's a ridiculous excuse, but it's the only thing I can think of to say. Charlie pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to contain his rage. He sits down in the chair, and sighs.
"Jocelyn, I'm new to this whole relationship thing, and I know you are too, but you can't just go around letting men kiss you. I nearly lost it when I came in here and saw you in his arms. Add that to Jake constantly calling and texting you, and I don't even know how many other men, and I just feel so out of control. I'm afraid someone is going to take you away from me, and I'm not sure how I will survive that. I need you to promise me, right now, that I'm the only man who is going to have that kind of attention from you. Please." I sigh, relieved that he isn't angry anymore and my fear dissipates. I understand why he is upset, I would be too if I found him with his arms around another girl. I sit in his lap and he looks up at me.
"I promise Charlie, there is no reason for you to be worried. You're right, I shouldn't have let him hug me that way, and it won't happen again." I kiss his forehead, and he wraps his arms around me, making me feel whole. He lays his head on my shoulder and is quiet for a second.
"I'm sorry I scared you. I could tell you were afraid of me, and I never want you to feel that way again. Do you forgive me?" I was terrified of him, but I didn't feel physically threatened.
"Yes I forgive you. I was afraid, but more so for Eric's well being than my own. I really don't know what I would do if you started a fight in my office." He sits back, and looks almost ashamed.
"I wanted to knock him out, but I knew it would make your life hell around here, so I stopped myself. How much longer are you going to be dealing with him? Will he be back?" I give him a sympathetic smile and his head falls back down.
"He's a client Charlie, and he just signed a contract with us to publish his book. So yes, he will be back, and I'll have to deal with him, in a professional setting, for as long as he continues to publish here." He tightens his grip on me, and I turn so I'm straddling him in the chair.
"Fine, but just know I don't like it." I giggle at him. He looks up at me, and I kiss his nose.
"I love you Charlie, no one else. Please try to remember that, ok?" He rubs his nose against my jaw and it sends a shiver through me.
"I love you too baby, do you want me to show you how much?" He kisses the soft spot below my ear, and I push myself further down onto him involuntarily. I am instantly wet, and I can feel that he is hard beneath me. There are people in and out of my office all day, but I don't care, I need him.
"Yes." My voice is breathy and he growls into my neck. He lifts his lips to mine and forces his tongue into my mouth. I love the way he kisses me, like it's the last thing he will ever do. He puts a hand up my shirt and under my bra to roll my nipple between his fingers, I moan as quietly as I can into his mouth, and he pulls harder on me. It hurts, but it also feels so good and I'm slightly confused by the sensation. He pulls away from me, leaving me breathless and he has a wild look in his eye.
"Are you ready for this? It's going to be quick." I nod my head and he picks me up, setting me down in front of my desk facing away from him. He reaches around me and unbuttons my pants and pulls them down, only about half way, and then I hear him unzip his jeans. He spreads my legs apart, and then he slams himself into me. I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from screaming. I brace myself against the desk, and he continues pushing himself harder, and deeper into me than I ever thought possible. He has one hand gripping my hip so tight I know I will have a bruise, and his other hand comes up to fist in my hair, pulling my head back. Suddenly this is no longer enjoyable, and I try to pull away, but he pulls me back.
"Charlie, please." He takes this as a request for more and starts pushing harder. Tears start falling from my eyes, but he doesn't see and he continues working behind me. Everything is hurting and he digs his fingers into my skin, tearing me apart from the inside out. He pulls my hair again, and I'm afraid it's going to rip out. My neck is stretched so far back that I swear it might break. I can't move, I'm stuck here while he takes me and I cry silently. It feels like hours, but finally I feel him still as he finishes, pushing himself into me one more time. He lets go of my hair, and collapses into the chair behind him. I grab a tissue from my desk and quickly clean myself up, and fix my pants. My whole body protests but I need to move. I can't look at him right now, so I sit at my desk and cover my face with my hands. What just happened. Charlie has never been that rough with me before. Sure things have gotten intense during sex, but never rough that way. For the first time since we've been having sex, he hurt me. Another tear escapes my eyes and I realize I'm afraid of him again. Was he so angry that he let himself get out of control like that? Is this going to happen to me every time we have an argument? Do I need to be worried about him hurting me if he gets angry? A sob escapes my lips and I hear him sit up.
"Baby, what's wrong? Are you crying?" I remove my hands from my face and look at him. He looks like the same Charlie that I love, but something is missing. When he sees my face, he is immediately by my side picking me up from the chair holding me to him. I flinch at the contact and try to get away, but he tightens his grip, making me cry even harder.
"Jocelyn, what is going on? Please baby tell me." I look up at him, and he looks helpless, clearly clueless to what just happened.
"You hurt me Charlie." It's all I can get out and then I start sobbing. He hugs me tighter to him, and starts rubbing my hair.
"I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to hurt you." I know he didn't do it on purpose, but he still did it. I push my face into his chest, and just cry. How did things get so messed up.
"Jocelyn, I'm so sorry. How did I hurt you, are you hurting now? How do I fix this?" Can he fix this? I try to calm myself, and take a deep breath.
"I'm fine Charlie. I just wasn't expecting you to be so rough with me. You've never pulled my hair like that, and I tried to get away from you, but you just pulled me back to you. Why were you so angry? I felt like I was being punished." Saying it out loud makes me cry again, but I hold myself together as best I can. Charlie looks horrified and like he might cry as well.
"Jocelyn, I'm so sorry. I was angry, and I let myself get out of control and you suffered for it. I promise baby, that will never happen again. I love you so much, I'm so sorry." He buries his face in my neck, and hugs me to his chest. I know he is sorry, but I'm still upset, and I'm actually a little sore. I hug him back, and decide that this was probably just a fluke, and I should try to let it go.
"It's ok Charlie. I know you didn't mean it. Let's just forget about it please." He leans back and puts his palm against my face, and his touch is so gentle. I lean into him, and breathe in the smell of him. He looks down at me, and there's pain all over his face.
"I love you Jocelyn, so much, you know that right?" I lace my fingers into his and hold his hand to my face.
"Yes I know Charlie, and I love you too." He leans down and kisses me so softly on the lips that it breaks my heart. I don't want to be afraid of him, but a part of me always will be now.