Finding the Light

Giving Up

I wake up gasping for air, but I can't move. There's a heavy arm draped over me, and a hand resting around my neck. I turn my head, and the reality I had hoped was a nightmare slaps me in the face. Chuck is here. My sudden movement didn't wake him, so I try to sit up, and get out of the bed, but a shooting pain stops me. The pain in my lower abdomen is so intense, that tears start falling from my eyes, and I have to catch my breath. I shake my head, and reach my hand down between my legs. When I pull my hand back, it's covered in blood, just like I knew it would be. I don't know what Chuck tore last night, but I felt it happen, and now I'll probably get some sort of infection because he let me bleed all night. I try again to get out of the bed, but as soon as I try to remove his hand from my throat his grip tightens, and he pushes me back down. I scream, as much as I can with him crushing my windpipe, and he sits straight up, looking down at me.
"Where are you trying to go?" He looks so angry, and I know it's only going to get worse when he finds out about the blood.
"I was going to the bathroom. I'm bleeding Chuck." I hold my hand up for him to see, and he studies it like he has never seen such a thing before. Finally, it hits him, and he understands why I'm bleeding.
"Your period shouldn't be here yet, so where is this coming from?" His face twists up, and he stands up from the bed. How does he know when my period is due? He's right though, if that's what this is, it is early, but I know it's not. This is from what he did to me last night.
"This isn't my period Chuck." I'm actually not surprised that he wouldn't just understand that this is because of something he did to me, but I also didn't think I would have to explain it to him.
"Jocelyn, this isn't from our love making, there's no way. It has to be your period. Let's get you in the shower so I can clean you up. We have a lot to do today, so we need to get started." He leans down and takes my hand, pulling me toward the bathroom. The pain in my stomach is making it hard to stand, but I do my best to ignore it. He starts the shower, and makes sure the temperature is just right, and then puts his hand on my back, gently guiding me in. He steps in behind me, and shuts the door, then pushes my head back so he can wash my hair. This feels so wrong to me, because Charlie is the only person I've ever let do this. Chuck never had any interest in showering with me before, so I don't understand why he wants to now. Unless he's just making sure I'm never out of his line of sight, because he has to know that I will bolt as soon as he turns his head. I stand there, still as stone, and even though the water is hot, I'm shivering. He rinses my hair out, then pulls me into him.
"Darling, you're shaking, are you feeling alright?" He kisses my temple, and starts rubbing my back.
"I'm just cold I guess." I'm not feeling alright, not at all, but I don't want to anger him, or give him more power, by showing him that I'm weak. He steps back so he can look at me, and then just shrugs his shoulders. He washes me, taking his time around my sensitive areas, and then he shuts the water off. He hands me a towel and I wrap it around myself, trying to give my body some warmth, but the shivering doesn't stop. Maybe I am actually getting sick, because something just feels wrong. He guides me back out into the bedroom, and I sit on the edge of the bed.
"I'm going downstairs to make us some breakfast, and then we need to decide on where we're going to live. Once we've made that decision, I'll go to the idiot's house, and get the rest of your things." My shivering intensifies as my blood runs cold at his words. He can't go to Charlie's house, it will end in blood shed, and I'm positive it will be Charlie's.
"Chuck, you can't go to Charlie's house. It's fine, I don't need any of those things. If we're going to start fresh, then I should just get new things, right?" I have to figure out a way to keep him away from there. I may not be with Charlie anymore, but that doesn't mean I want him hurt, and if Chuck goes over there, I can't even imagine what would come of it.
"If that's what you want that's fine, but we will discuss it more later. Are you sure you're feeling alright? You're burning up Jocelyn." He touches my forehead and his hand feels ice cold against my hot skin. I know I'm sweating, I can feel it, but I'm still shaking slightly. I'm not feeling well at all, but I know he isn't going to take me to a doctor, so I might as well just suck it up.
"No I'm not alright, I feel sick, but it will pass. Maybe I just need a nap." I don't really know what's going on. He is being so hot and cold with me. He wakes up trying to strangle me, and now he's worried that I have a fever, none of this makes any sense. He sighs, but nods his head.
"I'm going to make some breakfast, and I'm sorry about this, but I can't trust you yet." He walks around the bed to a bag on the floor I hadn't noticed. He starts searching through it, and pulls out a rope. Panic sets in and I realize what he's going to do.
"No Chuck, please, I promise I will stay here. You don't have to do this." He's tied me up before, and that is not something I want to go through again.
"I'm sorry love, but I know you're still having doubts, so this is the only way. Just remember what I promised you, if you are a good girl, then things are going to be different, and this won't have to happen again." He grabs my wrists, and I try to fight him off, but it's no use. Between the fever, and the pain coming from my stomach, I have no energy, and he overpowers me like I'm nothing at all. First he ties my arms together, then he lifts my arms up and knots the rope around the center post of my metal bed frame. He tightens it, enough to make sure I can't move, but not enough that my arms are stretched to far. He steps back, and checks his handiwork, making sure I won't be able to escape and then covers me with the blanket. He leans down and kisses my forehead, but I can feel him frown against my skin. He doesn't say anything else, and he just walks out of the room, leaving me to my own thoughts. I can't believe this is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I never should have come back here, I should have gone to Eric like I wanted too, but I knew Charlie would find me. Charlie! If I can get to my phone, then I can turn it on, and he will know where I'm at. He will come for me, and while I'd be with Charlie again, at least I would be away from Chuck. I try to remember where I put it, but my purse isn't anywhere. I retrace my steps, and then I realize that I left it in the kitchen. I roll my eyes at myself, I really am an idiot. I'm not getting out of this anytime soon, so I just need to not fight him, I need to play it safe until he lets his guard down. Whenever that is, honestly it could be years from now, but someone has to figure out that Chuck got released, someone has to know soon that I'm missing. My parents will know, it might take them a few days, but they'll figure it out, and they will come for me. Except, I don't know where Chuck plans on taking me. I have no idea what this 'new' Chuck has planned for us, he is trying to be normal, trying to make me believe that this is real, and that things are going to be better and good, but I know the truth. I know that he will get bored with this game, or I will do something he doesn't like and mess up, and he will beat me again. Hell that may even happen today. He already raped me, why not give me a beating as well. Another shooting pain comes from my stomach, and goes up my spine. I cry out in pain, and my sweating intensifies. I don't know what he did to me last night, but this is worse than any pain I've ever felt. The only thing I can think of that comes close to this is, but no, it couldn't be. Before I can panic, Chuck walks back into the room carrying a plate of toast and a glass of orange juice.
"There isn't much in the kitchen, so I hope toast is ok with you." He sets the plate on the bedside table, and thankfully he moves to untie my knots. My arms are tingling slightly, and my shoulders are already sore from being in the awkward position for so long. He removes the ropes from my wrists, but he doesn't put it away, he just sets it beside the bed, and I know that means I'll be tied up again later. He hands me my plate, and even though I feel like I'm going to throw up, I try to eat something. It has been almost two full days since I've had anything and I know that my body needs the fuel if I'm going to escape. I take small bites, making sure to chew everything into tiny pieces so my stomach can handle it. He hands me the glass of juice, and I take a few small sips. I barely finish one piece of toast, but my stomach feels like it has never been more full.
"You've barely eaten anything love, you need to eat if you want to feel better." He tries to hand me the plate again, but I just shake my head.
"I really don't think I can eat anything else, I just feel so nauseous. I just want to lay down. Please." My eyes are barely staying open, and even though I'm not actively bleeding now, I know that the loss of blood through the night is making me even more exhausted.
"Ok, we can take a nap, but then we have to discuss what we're going to do Jocelyn. We can't stay here forever, and I want to get you as far away from that 'Charlie' as I possibly can. He may have another woman, but he seems to want to keep you all to himself, and I just can't have that. I'm surprised, actually, that he hasn't already come looking for you. Do you know why that is?" He climbs into the bed, and puts my head on his shoulder. I basically just fall over into him because I have no desire to try and fight right now.
"He hasn't come looking for me because you were right, he never loved me. If he did, he wouldn't have had that woman in our home." My voice is so lifeless, and the words just hang in the air for a moment before he chuckles. Of course my pain would bring him pleasure, but I was hoping that 'new Chuck' would at least feel bad for me.
"Love, I told you that he was lying. No one but me could ever love you. He used you. I wish he hadn't, but he did. It's going to be alright though, I'm here to pick up the pieces he left behind. He was just a mistake, and now you're back where you belong." He runs his fingers through my wet hair, and kisses my forehead. Was Charlie a mistake? My head tells me yes, for obvious reasons, but my heart tells me no. He was the love of my life, I just wasn't his. I'm no one's forever, just everyone's greatest regret.
"Why do you want me Chuck? Please be honest with me. I've never been exactly right, you've shown me that with with your 'corrections', so I don't understand why you would want me in the first place." I turn my face to look at him, and he wraps both his arms around me, hugging me tight.
"I want you because you are perfect. Yes, you have needed to be corrected in the past, but you are still perfect. You are beautiful, and smart, and everything a woman should be. I want you because you were made to be mine, and so you will be. I know that I can be possessive, and a little aggressive when it comes to you, but it's only because I don't want anyone to take you away from me, and I know that many have already tried and that more will try. Charlie is just the latest example of that, but as you now clearly see, it never would have worked out with him because he is not me. We will always find our way back to each other, no matter what, but I don't plan on being separated from you again. We are going to find a new place to live, and we will get married, and then we can have another baby. I do wish you wouldn't have lost the first one, but it's in the past, and we will move on. I want us to be a family, love, and so we will be." He runs his fingers along my cheek again and smiles down at me. I don't want a family with him, and I definitely will not marry him. He is completely delusional. How can he not see that I don't love him? How can he think that I want this, and that I am a willing participant in this crazy plan that he calls a life? He scoots down in the bed so we are both lying down, and he pulls me up so I can lay on his chest. I'm too tired to fight, and I just try to relax so I can get some sleep. I have to rest if I'm going to fight my way out of here.
"Jocelyn, before you fall asleep, I need you to tell me something." He kisses the top of my head, then puts his finger under my chin, forcing my head back so I can look at him.
"What?" I'm so tired, but I try to fight it.
"I need you to tell me you love me." He stares at me, waiting for a response, but I don't know what to say.
"Why do you need that?" I know this is a bad time to be petulant, but I don't take those words lightly, and I don't want to give him any inkling of an idea that I feel anything for him other than resentment.
"I need it because, you haven't said it in years. You know I love you, but I don't know that you love me. You've been so resistant, and I know that you are probably just hesitant because of our past, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving me. I'm the only love you're ever going to get, so you need to start showing me that respect." He tries to hide it, but I know he is getting angry. Something in me snaps, and I just can't hold it in anymore.
"I don't love you Chuck. I never did. I don't know why you can't get that through your thick skull. We will never be together, I will never marry you, and I sure as hell am not going to give you any children. I will never stop fighting to get away from you." I sit up and try to get away but he grabs a fist full of my hair before I can stand.
"You really shouldn't have said that." He pulls me back to his chest and grabs onto my neck with his free hand.
"Eventually you will learn, you are mine, and there is nothing you can do about it." I feel him stand and he yanks backward, forcing me to fall onto the bed. He grabs onto my wrists, and starts wrapping the rope around them again. He positions me back against the headboard, so he can secure my ties. Adrenaline sets in, and I begin kicking my legs out, and finally my foot finds it's target. He doubles over in pain grabbing his crotch that I think I may have kicked all the way into his stomach. I jump from the bed, and run to the door. It's awkward trying to open it with my wrists tied together, but I manage to get the door open and sprint down the stairs. I make it to the front door, and as I'm trying to get the locks undone, I hear him behind me, starting to walk down the hall. I'm scrambling with the final lock, when my face is pushed into the door, hard, causing me to lose my balance. I sway back and forth, shaking my head, trying to clear my vision, but then his hand is in my hair, and he slams my face into the door one more time, and everything goes black.
My head is pounding, and when I try to open my eyes, the light from the ceiling is blinding. I blink a few times, and try to adjust to the burning sensation behind my retinas. My jaw hurts, and I realize it's because I'm gagged. I take a deep breath through my nose to try and calm me down, but I wince. It must be broken from being smashed into the door. Great. My wrists are tied to the headboard again, but this time my ankles are also tied, one to each post at the foot of the bed. I'm laying there, completely naked, and spread open. I look around the room, and I can see that the sun is starting to go down. I have no idea what time it is, or what day it even is anymore. Chuck walks into the room from the hallway, and locks the door behind him. When he sees that I'm awake, he smiles at me.
"I was wondering when you would wake up love. I'm sorry for the restraints, but you tried to run, and I told you that you couldn't leave. If you continue to try and escape, you will spend the rest of your days tied up like this. I quite like it though, you are very beautiful like this." He begins to crawl between my legs, and I try to kick, but his knots hold tight. There's no getting away from him. He rests on his elbows, right in front of my center, and I know that he's going to take me again. Tears start to fall from my eyes, and I turn my face so I won't have to watch.
"I'm going to make love to you Jocelyn, as many times as I want, and even though you're hesitant now, I know that you are enjoying yourself." He puts his mouth on me, slobbering all over me. Nothing about this is enjoyable, and I try to pull myself away from him, but there's nowhere for me to go. I think about Charlie, and I pray that he finds me. He wouldn't leave me alone, not completely, without knowing I'm safe, and I am definitely not safe right now. Chuck stands so he can remove his clothes, then he climbs back between my legs. He grabs my jaw, forcing me to look at him.
"I love you." He kisses my cheeks because he can't kiss my mouth because of the gag, and he forces himself into me. It doesn't hurt as bad as last night, because his disgusting spit is at least helping, but it still hurts. My body is trying to push him out, but his weight on me is keeping me pinned down. Tears stream down my face. I don't think I've ever felt so hollow, so completely empty. Charlie broke my soul, and now Chuck is breaking my body. Each one of his hard thrusts hurts more than the last, and I know he is only just getting started. He keeps groaning, making horrific sounds, and I try to ignore it, turning my head so I can pretend he's not here, but he grips my jaw again, forcing me to look at him.
"No, you need to stay here in the moment with me. I know you've missed me, and I know that you love having me take you this way." He has completely lost it. My tears are making my vision blurry, and I actually wish I would pass out like last night, but that isn't going to happen. I'm going to have to endure all of this, so I try to think of something, anything, that will make this go away. I send a silent prayer to Charlie, begging him to come find me, and take me home. All I want is for him to take me away from this, far away, where no one will be able to find us. I know that he cheated, but if he would just come for me then I could maybe forgive him. Chuck bites my chest, forcing me out of my prayer, and I scream around the gag in my mouth. I finally feel him finish, and he collapses onto me. He pulls himself from me, and I let out a relieved sigh. My whole body hurts, but at least his presence is finally gone. I can feel the stickiness he left behind seeping out and onto the bed, and he gets up so he can grab a towel to clean me off. I guess it's nice that he isn't going to make me lay in a puddle of his filth. He wipes me down, and then cleans himself off and gets dressed.
"I would dress you, but I like having you naked. You really are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, love." He kisses my temple, and then sits on the bed beside me. He looks at me, deep in thought for a moment, then finally removes the gag from my mouth. I take a full breath, and my lungs burn from the intake of so much oxygen at once.
"We need to decide where we want to move to. We can't stay here, and I'm really sorry, but you won't be able to see your family for awhile, not until they are ok with us being together, so we need to go far from here. I'm thinking maybe Florida or California, so it's warm all the time. I know how you like the warm weather. What do you think?" He smiles at me, and I just start laughing.
"Chuck, you are insane. I'm never going to go with you. I don't want this, I want to be as far away from you as I possibly can. How many times do I have to tell you, I don't want you, I don't love you, and I never will. Please, just let me go." He responds by putting the gag back in my mouth, and then slapping my already sore face.
"You are so ungrateful. One day, I pray you will understand how much I do for you. You are such a burden, and a spoiled child. Do you know that I could be with anyone I want, but I'm here with you because no one else would ever want you. How could they? You've been used by so many men at this point, it's going to take me months to fully clean them off of you. This is what you get Jocelyn, me and no one else, so get used to it, and start showing some appreciation for the love I'm giving you." He slaps me again, causing me to scream out a muffled sob. He stands and starts pacing the room, trying to figure out what to do with me next. His speech was insane, but not entirely untrue. He's probably right, that no one is coming for me, why would someone come for me? Charlie obviously doesn't love me, and Eric would have no reason to think to look for me, my parents will eventually come to try and find me, but there's only so much they can do because Chuck will hide me until the end of time. No one will ever find me again. Suddenly he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. I should feel better with him not in the room, but not knowing what he's going to come back with only terrifies me more. He's acting crazier than usual, and that's really saying something considering he is completely nuts. I hear some faint sounds of things being russled around, and then I hear his feet coming back up the stairs. When he opens the door, his face is red, and he looks almost sad.
"Sweetheart, I think there is only one solution now. Things have gotten more complicated than I ever could have imagined, and I just don't know what else to do." He steps further into the room, and pulls a large knife from behind his back. My eyes nearly pop out of my head. I knew Chuck was insane, but I never thought he would kill me. I start to panic, and the cloth in my mouth is making it impossible for me to get enough air. He runs over to the bed, and sets the knife on the side table so he can rub my face.
"It's going to be ok. I love you, and I know that you love me, and the only way we are going to be able to be together is if no one can ever get to us again. I'll make it look like an accident, like someone broke in. It's going to hurt, but you are so strong, I know you can handle it." He stands back up, and grabs the knife from the table. I try to speak, to beg him for my life, but there's no use. He is far to lost in his own delusion to listen to reason. He leans forward and kisses my forehead, and I give up.
"If you would just stop fighting me, and accept us, then things could be different, but I know you won't. He's brainwashed you against me, and you've become something that I barely recognize. If I take you, your family will send the police after us, and we will never be safe. If I let you go, Charlie will tell the police I held you hostage, and then I'll be put back in prison. This is the only way we will be able to be together forever. Please, I need you to understand that." He holds the knife to my chest, and slowly slides it across my exposed flesh. I scream as I feel my skin being torn open. I never thought it would burn, but it does and I can feel the warmth of my blood dripping down between my breasts. I look down, and the cut looks angry, starting in the center of my chest and finally stopping near my shoulder. It's not so deep that I will bleed out, but I think this is his plan. To make it look like we've both suffered and then died together with only each other for comfort. He moves the knife to my stomach and slices me again. This one is deeper, spanning from my bellybutton to my hip, and I don't know how much more I can take. I pull against my restraints, and my shoulder pops out of the socket. I scream again, but the sound is so animalistic that I'm not sure it actually comes from me. The room starts to spin, and I almost lose consciousness, but he slices my thigh, waking me back up.
"It's going to be ok, Jocelyn. I know this hurts, but it's the only way. I love you, so much." He presses the blade to my cheek, and slides it slowly down my face. I see a tear fall from his eye, and then I fall into the darkness. The last thought that I will ever have, is of Charlie, holding me close as he tells me he loves me. I can hear his voice so clearly in my head. I hold onto the warm feeling it gives me, as I succumb to the dark.