Finding the Light

Breaking Down

Charlie's POV
I am such an idiot. How could I have been gone all day and now all night. It's nearly 10:00 and Jocelyn is going to be pissed. I pull my phone out and try to call her again, but it goes to voicemail for the fifth time. What on earth could she be doing? She is such a light sleeper, so I know that the sound of her phone would wake her. I'm almost home, but I'm still ten minutes away, and that's not quick enough. I push my foot to the floor, trying to make it back to her as soon as I can. My phone vibrates and I pick it up, relief flooding through me, but it's not her. I scowl at the text and delete it without even opening it. I cannot believe I went there today, but she just kept calling and texting, and I couldn't risk Jocelyn seeing them. It was only supposed to be a five minute visit, but those five minutes turned into two hours. I shake my head at myself, as I'm finally pulling up to the house. All the lights are off, so maybe she is asleep. I prepare myself for the questions and the argument, and walk in the front door. Grizzly immediately runs up to me, and I rub his head as I pass by.
"Baby? I'm home, I'm sorry it's so late." I walk further into the house to check the living room, but she isn't there. I shrug my shoulders and head to the bedroom next. The light is off, so I try to be as quiet as possible as I sneak over to the bed. I crawl into my side and reach for her, but my arms find nothing. I sit back up immediately and turn on the bedside light. She's not in bed, she's not here. I look up at her pillow, and I see her suitcase, mostly packed. What on earth is going on? Why was she packing a suitcase, and where the hell is she now? I jump back out of bed, and start searching through the house like a mad man, but she's nowhere. She isn't at home. I try calling her again, but I get the same result, just her voicemail. I run back out to the car and start it up. I open the tracking app I had Derrick install, and it takes the longest five minutes of my life, but finally I have an address. My tires spin a little as I fire out of the driveway. My heart is pounding out of my chest. Where on earth is she, and why would she run away. I know that she is probably upset with me for being gone for so long, and I was rude to her, but I didn't want her to find out where I was, it would break her heart. I never should have gotten out of bed this morning, if I had just stayed there with her, then none of this would be happening. She wouldn't be missing, and I wouldn't be about to have a heart attack worrying about her. This morning, she was sleeping so peacefully in my arms, snuggled up into my shoulder. Her soft snores have become one of my favorite sounds, and watching her sleep is like a drug to me, but who knows if I'll ever get to do it again. I've ruined everything, I can already tell. I turn left down a side street, and the GPS says I'm about a mile away. I start to sweat, I have no idea what I'm about to walk into. Part of me thought she would be with Jake, but this isn't his neighborhood. What if Chuck has her again? I roll my eyes at myself, he's still in jail, there's no way he could have her. Finally I pull into the driveway of a small house. It's late, and I can tell this is a family neighborhood, but it's taking all my strength to not blow a gasket. I get out of the car and walk up to the front door. I knock, harder than I intended, and I hear a scream from inside. My heart jumps into my throat, I know it's her. I scare her enough at home, so I know what her surprised scream sounds like. I hear some faint laughing, then a moment later the door opens. My breathing gets heavy, and my fists clench so tight, I think my knuckles might bust through my skin.
"Charlie? What are you doing here?" Eric is standing in front of me, and he's clearly surprised to see me. I never thought she would be here with him.
"I'm looking for Jocelyn, where is she?" He steps closer to me, and pulls the door slightly shut behind him. He's trying to hide her from me.
"What makes you think I know where Jocelyn is?" I take a deep breath trying to calm myself. His hair is short, but I can still tell it's been tousled by someone running their fingers through it. The thought of her touching him makes me even angrier. She's in there, and I need to go get her. I step closer to him, but he doesn't budge. I'm at least seven inches taller than him and I normally don't have a problem with people trying to fight with me, but he doesn't look at all intimidated, and that's making me even more irritated.
"Eric, I'm trying to be nice, but you need to move. I'm going in there to get her, and she's coming home with me." Still he stands where he is, and my patience is starting to run thin.
"She's not here." He crosses his arms over his chest, and all reason flies out the window. I shove past him, I'm done playing games.
"What are you doing? You can't just barge in here!" I huff at him, pushing further into the house.
"The hell I can't, where is she? I know she's here!" I turn down a hallway, and see a light on. When I walk through the door my heart stops, I see her sitting there on the couch, and when she makes eye contact with me, her whole face goes pale. Suddenly all my anger is gone, and all I can think about is wrapping her in my arms. So that's exactly what I do. I pull her up from the couch, and hold her tight. She nuzzles into my shoulder, and wraps her arms around me. I finally take a full breath, she's ok, and she's here in my arms right where she should be. But then she starts to pull away from me, so I take a small step back and put my hands on her face. She is still badly bruised, but I look for anything new, anything this idiot might have done to her. She looks at me, and I know exactly what questions she's going to ask.
"I got home and you weren't there baby. I've been calling and texting you, but you didn't answer, so I came to find you. I'm so glad you're safe. Let's get you home, it's late." I reach down and take her hand in mine, turning back toward the front door, but she doesn't move.
"I'm not coming home with you." I spin around so fast, that I nearly lose my balance. What does she mean she's not coming home with me? She's trying to remove her hand from mine, but I hold tight to it. She squares her shoulders to me, and I know she's trying to put on a brave front.
"What are you talking about? Of course you're coming home, baby. It's so late, and you need to get some rest." She gives me the most disgusted look, like I've just said the most appalling thing.
"No Charlie, I'm staying here. You left me, why would I come back." What? I drop her hand and take a step toward her but she backs away. It stings but I don't let it show.
"Baby, I didn't leave you. I know I was gone all day, and I'm so sorry for that. I never should have done that, but I would never leave you. Don't ever think that." Her face gets red, and I know she's trying to hold in her tears. Seeing her cry breaks my heart, and I step forward to wrap her into my arms. She side steps away from me, and wraps her own arms around her middle. She has never shied away from me like this, and it makes my chest hurt. She starts to whimper slightly, but quickly tries to hide it from me.
"Baby, please don't cry. I would never leave you, I love you. Please, let's go home." She shakes her head, and Eric comes into the room to stand beside her. Why is he so irritating? Why does he think he has some sort of claim to her? I clench my fists, and quickly cross my arms over my chest to keep from hitting him.
"How do I know you love me Charlie? You left me alone in bed. You know how bad my nightmares get when you're not there, and you still left me alone. When I called you were so cold on the phone, and then you just ignored me the rest of the day. I'm not a live in booty call that you can just ignore Charlie. I deserve more than that." I didn't even think of her waking up from a nightmare because I wasn't there. I really am the worst. She turns into Eric's shoulder and she can't contain her cries any longer. He runs his fingers through her hair with one hand, while rubbing his other up and down her back. Seeing him touch her like that infuriates me, but I don't want to scare her, or make her anymore angry than I already have. He leans in and kisses her forehead, making me clench my jaw, and even though I'm containing myself from punching him, I can't keep in my disgusted tone.
"Do you not remember what I told you last time I saw you Eric?" He turns to look at me, but he doesn't move his arms an inch.
"Yes, I remember, but Jocelyn seems to want me to have my hands on her, so that's exactly what's going to happen." I uncross my arms, and ball my fists up at my sides.
"Jocelyn, baby please, I am begging you, let's go home. I will explain everything when we get there, I promise." She turns and looks at me, but her left eye is still swollen from the bruise, and it's now almost completely closed from the addition of her sobbing. Even with all the angry marks he left on her, he couldn't take away her beautiful face. Even covered in all his hate, she still takes my breath away. I just wish I hadn't made her cry, because I can almost see how much pain the bruise is causing her.
"How do I know it won't be a lie? How do I know that you won't just tell me what you think I want to hear so that I'll come home?" I take a step forward, and thankfully she doesn't shrink away again, but she still doesn't come to me.
"I swear, baby, I would never lie to you. All I want is to take you home, please come home." She starts to take a step toward me, but Eric tightens his grip on her. I can feel the fire in my eyes when I look at him.
"I don't think that's a good idea, Jocelyn. I think that you should stay here with me honey, at least for tonight." She turns to look up at him, and he touches the side of her face, just like I always do. She doesn't lean into his touch though, and this makes me feel a little better, but not much. It is killing me seeing him comfort her, and now I know exactly how Jake felt the day he ruined her life. She has to come home, I won't force her, but I need her at home with me. She puts her hand on his, and then removes it from her cheek. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until my chest finally relaxes when she steps away from him.
"Eric I can't stay here. I don't know where I'm going to go, but I need some space. I think I'm making some really bad decisions and I need some time to think." He looks really offended, and he side steps away from her crossing his arms over his chest. He pinches his brow together, and I'm afraid he might yell at her, but then he just smiles. He's trying to hide it, but I can see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes.
"I was right. No matter what he does, you'll always go back." I'm not sure what he means by that, but she starts to silently cry again when he says it. He kisses her forehead again, and then turns to face me.
"Do not hurt her again." I resist the urge to roll my eyes and just nod. I open my arms, and she walks toward me, but doesn't come into my embrace. She just stops in front of me and looks up at me. She is so little, but she's not weak. She's the strongest person I know.
"Are you ready to go baby?" She just nods her head, and turns toward the door. I was really hoping she would at least hold my hand, but she's angry and I won't push the subject. I look at Eric again, but he's watching her walk away. I turn around to follow her, but something catches my eye. On the coffee table, just sitting there out in the open, is an empty condom wrapper. My knees buckle, and I have to force myself to take a breath. She stops in the doorway when she realizes that I'm not following her anymore. When she turns around to look at me, she follows my gaze down and she sees what has caught my attention. I start breathing heavy, and my shoulders are wound so tight, that I don't know if I'll ever be able to move them again. I look up at her, and more tears start streaming out of her eyes, but these are't sad tears, they're guilty ones.
"Jocelyn, what did you do?" My voice breaks, but I don't know if it's because I want to cry too, or if it's from the anger bubbling up from my soul. How could she do this to me? She looks down at her feet, not wanting to look me in the eye when she tells me how she destroyed us.
"I didn't do anything. I almost did, but you knocked on the door and it stopped. Nothing happened Charlie."
"She's telling you the truth. Don't be mad at her, I was the one who invited her here today, and I was the one who initiated everything. It's my fault." I take a few deep breaths before I look back at Eric. He is looking me right in the eye, standing tall, and I know he's telling the truth, but that doesn't make it ok. He tried to violate my love, and he thinks I'm just going to let it go? I turn all the way around, letting my rage take over, but then I feel Jocelyn's tiny hand on my fist. My body instantly freezes, and I feel myself start to calm down at her touch. When I look down at her, there is so much fear all over her face, and after everything she went through Thursday, the last thing she needs to see is more violence, so I stop myself.
"Charlie, I'm so sorry. Please take me home. You still want me to come home don't you?" She wraps her arms around my chest, and the rest of my anger melts away. I can't stay mad at her, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt. I know that she's still upset about today, and this is not going to be a fun conversation when we get home, but it's one we have to have. I place one hand on the back of her head, holding her to me, and kiss her hair.
"I always want you to come home baby. Let's go, we can talk about all of this later." She nods her head against my chest, and steps back from me.
"I'm sorry Eric." She looks so ashamed, and her voice is barely a whisper. He sighs, but nods his head.
"It's ok honey, I always knew I would lose." I truly have no idea what he is talking about, but I agree, he will always lose. Jocelyn and I are meant to be together, and he is not going to take her away from me. I just have to figure out a way to keep him away from her, because all her rational thought seems to go out the window when he's with her. She turns around and I follow her out into the night. She gets into my still running car, and pulls her knees up to her chest. She's shivering so I turn the heat on to try and warm her up. She hasn't even looked at me yet, she's just staring out the window, tears rolling down her cheeks. We drive the entire 15 minute trip without so much as a glance at one another. She stays completely silent the entire ride home, aside from the occasional hiccup or whimper. We pull up to the house, and she just gets out of the car and walks in. I rest my face on the steering wheel, and a few of my own tears fall down my face. I should never have forced her to come home, she obviously doesn't want to be here, and now I'm just making her cry more. I'm so selfish when it comes to her, but I don't know what else to do. I need her, she is like air in my lungs, and I just cannot stand the thought of someone else having her, or making her feel the way I'm supposed too. I know why she's so drawn to Eric, he is kind, and unproblematic, and could give her a future without all of the baggage, but that doesn't mean that's who she should be with. I know in my soul that she belongs with me, and I will do anything I have to, to make her see that. I wipe my face, and walk into the house. I hear the shower running, and I quietly walk into the bedroom and stand in front of the bathroom door. When I open it, she's already in the shower, but she's sitting on the floor with her legs stretched out in front of her, just letting the water fall into her lap. I kneel down and put my hand under her chin, forcing her to look up at me. When her eyes finally meet mine, my entire soul breaks. I can see how devastated she is, and I know that I've done this to her. I stand up and turn the water off, and grab a towel. I pick her up from the floor, and carry her in my arms to the bed. She doesn't try to resist, but she doesn't cuddle into me like she normally would, she just simply let's me do this. I set her on the bed, and dry her off the rest of the way, and then get her fleece pajama pants out of the drawer. She told me a few nights ago that she likes sleeping in my shirts because having my smell on her makes her happy, so I take off the shirt I'm wearing and pull it over her head. She stands up to put on her pants, and then she sits back down. I get down on my knees in front of her, but she won't look me in the eye. I need to say something to her, but right now, nothing feels like the right thing. So instead of talking, I just put my palm on her cheek. She flinches a little, but then she sighs and turns her face into my hand. Relief floods through me, and it's like I can finally breathe again. I lay my head in her lap, and she pulls the tie out of my hair so she can run her fingers through it. Her touch is so healing, and I finally feel whole again. I sit back on my knees and look up at her from my place on the floor. She's just sitting there, waiting for me to speak, so I say the first thing that comes to mind. The truest thing I can think to say.
"I love you Jocelyn." She half smiles at me and puts her tiny hand on my face.
"I love you too." I can't help it, and I lean up to take her lips with mine. She melts against me, and wraps her arms around my neck. I lean forward and she falls back onto the bed, allowing me to climb over top of her without breaking the kiss. Her lips mold perfectly against mine, and I can't even tell where I stop and she begins. My body is burning, begging me to take this further, but I know that's not what she needs. Right now she just needs me, and she needs comfort. I pull away from her, and the tears that are running down the side of her face, soaking into her hair, tell me that I'm right.
"Why are you crying baby? Everything is going to be ok now." I hate seeing her upset, and knowing that I did this to her is killing me. She sucks in a breath of air, and wipes her eyes.
"I'm fine Charlie, we can keep going." My heart shatters. She thinks that all I want her for is sex. I immediately stand up from the bed, and take a few steps away from her.
"No Jocelyn, we need to talk. Kissing is not talking, and sex is definitely not what you need right now." She looks more than a little shocked. She sits up and starts running her fingers through her wet hair, trying to untangle all the knots. I sigh and grab the brush off the night stand and sit beside her, running it through the nest her hair has become.
"I thought that's what you wanted." Her voice is so quiet.
"No baby. I just want for you to be happy, that is all that matters to me right now. Please, tell me how I can do that." She looks down at her hands while I continue brushing her hair.
"I thought you left me, Charlie. I thought that you didn't want me anymore, and I just didn't know what to do." I put the brush down and turn her on the bed so she is facing me.
"Why would you think that Jocelyn? I know that I was gone all day, but that doesn't mean that I was leaving you, or that I wanted you to leave me." Her tears start falling again and she looks down at her hands.
"Chuck told me everyday, for years, how worthless and unlovable I am, and when I woke up this morning, alone, I just knew that he was right. It can't be a coincidence that two days after he found me, beat me, and ruined my face, that you would leave. I'm not a good person, and there's nothing about me that is even remotely desirable, so why wouldn't I think that you wanted to be rid of me. You felt responsible for me because I was in danger, but now that I'm not, you don't have any reason to keep me." She's rolling her fingers around themselves, and she looks so small and fragile right now. I take her hands and hold them both in mine. She looks up at me, and I know she feels the same thing I do. It's like electrical pulses passing through us every time we touch.
"I wasn't with you out of some form of responsibility because of Chuck. I wanted to keep you safe, of course, but that wasn't it. Jocelyn, from the moment you ran into me on that sidewalk, you've been the only thing on my mind, the only thing I could even see. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, and nothing that could possibly keep me away from you. I want you, forever, and nothing is going to change that." She smiles, and for a moment, I think the worst is over, but then her face falls again.
"I'm so sorry I went with Eric today." My stomach drops, and I just don't know what to say.
"Can you tell me what happened with him. I know why you went to him, you know how I feel about him, but I need to know what happened." Her face gets red, but she doesn't cry or look away.
"I didn't sleep with him. I was going to, but I didn't." The knot in my gut is making it hard for me to breathe, but I push the anger down. I can't be mad at her, not after what I did this morning. I put my palm on her cheek again, and she sighs, covering my hand with her own, and holding it to her face.
"Ok baby. Thank you for telling me." She looks so confused and she pulls away slightly.
"You're not angry with me? You're not going to yell or tell me to sleep on the couch?" I laugh a little, and shake my head.
"No baby, I'm not angry. I can't be, it wouldn't be fair." I sigh and run my hands through my hair, preparing myself to break her again.
"I left you alone this morning, because I went to see a friend. She kept calling and texting, and I went to tell her to leave me alone. It didn't go the way I expected, and we ended up talking for a couple hours. When you called, she was sitting in my lap, and I was kissing her, but once I realized it was you, I stood up and I was so ashamed of what I had done that I just wanted to get off the phone as soon as possible. That's why I was so cold to you. Afterwards, I was so disgusted with myself that I went to see Derrick and that's where I was the rest of the day. I should have come straight home, but I couldn't face you. It's my fault that you were even available to go to Eric, and it's my fault that you felt you needed too. I'm so sorry Jocelyn." I can tell that how much I've broken her heart is physically hurting her, and I don't know what to do. Her brow pinches together for a moment while she thinks, then she wipes her nose and giggles a little. I tilt my head to the side, totally lost as to what she thinks is funny.
"We are idiots. You know that don't you?" She laughs again and crawls into my lap. I gladly pull her into me and look down into her eyes.
"Well obviously, but please explain further baby."
"We are both so afraid of messing everything up, that we did just that. We know how to love each other, but I think we need to learn how to be loved in return." I think about this for a second, but then I realize she is right. I love her with everything I am, and I would give her anything, but I ended up with another woman in my arms, because I didn't think I was what she wanted. She ended up with Eric today because she thought that I had left her behind. I lean down and kiss her forehead, then pull her face into my chest, and she snuggles into my shoulder.
"You're right baby. I guess that's something we will have to work on; it's a good thing we've got forever to do that." She tilts her head up and smiles at me. Her bruises are starting to yellow slightly around the edges, but I can still almost see them throbbing. I kiss the purple skin as lightly as I can and she sighs.
"Are you tired? It has been a long day."
"I'm exhausted, and very cold." I pick her up and lay her down on her side of the bed, and pull the covers over her.
"Get comfortable, I'll lock up and come back and hold you so you're warm." She nods at me, and cuddles into her pillow. I have a pounding headache from the events of the day, but knowing that she is waiting in bed for me, and wants me there with her, makes me feel better. I lock the front door, and call Grizzly in from the backyard so I can lock the backdoor. He ignores me completely and runs straight to the bedroom, probably to take my spot in bed. I roll my eyes, and follow behind him. I shut the light off, and take my jeans off, tossing them to the floor. I climb in behind her, and pull her to my chest. She pushes herself back into me, and I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling the smell of her.
"I love you baby." She sighs, content in where she is.
"I love you too Charlie. Sweet dreams." I smile and hug her tighter.
"Only if they're dreams of you baby." She starts snoring almost immediately, and I relax the rest of the way. I'm not sure how much more stress she can take before she cracks completely, but I know it can't be much. I wonder if it's me who is the one causing all these problems. Her life was seemingly peaceful before I came along, and now look at her, broken, bruised, and sad all the time. I roll my eyes at myself as I snuggle into her, nuzzling my face in her hair again; she's right, we don't know how to be loved. She just told me that she loves me and here I am, not even two minutes later, thinking that I'm not good for her. I love her, and I'll take care of her, how is that not good for her? No, we are meant to be together, that much I'm sure of, I just don't know if that means we should.