Finding the Light

Complications

This week has been so strange, and it has absolutely flown by. Friday's in my office are always half days for everyone, except for me because I choose to stay, but today I am leaving at lunch time. I feel so drained and I just want to get home as soon as possible, but Jake has been texting me nonstop this morning making sure I can come over before I go home. I still don't think this is a good idea, spending more time together, but it is making him happy. I press my fingers to my temples. I need to lessen the amount of men in my life, but I'm not sure how to do that at this moment. This week with Charlie has been wonderful, and at this point I'm not sure either of us want this to end. I stayed with him Monday night and he's picked me up from work everyday this week. I know he wants to spend more time with me, and I want to spend more time with him, but I need to keep at least some space between us. He's working late tonight though, so I don't have to make up an excuse to get away to be with Jake. Monday night with him was weird, but also kind of great. I close my eyes tighter and the night comes back to me.
I feel myself being lifted, Charlie's arms around me. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep during the ride here, but he doesn't even try to wake me. He just lifts me out of the car and I smile against his chest. I love when he holds me this way, but I should probably walk myself.
"Charlie I'm awake, I can walk. I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"It's ok baby. I don't mind." He kisses the top of my head and we walk through the front door. Grizzly comes running up to us and Charlie puts me down so I can rub his head. Charlie lets him out the back door and we walk into the kitchen. I'm starving so he orders a pizza and hands me a bottle of beer. This all feels so oddly domestic, but it also feels natural as well. Something is telling me that this is ok. The voice deep in my brain is saying this is normal, this is what people do. Could this be something normal for me? Could this turn into something more?
There's a ping from my computer that pulls me back to reality. It's a message from Rachel, there's someone in the lobby waiting to see me. I click out of the message and fix my desk a bit. Before I stand to go to the door I check the clock, 10:30. I still have an hour and a half before I can leave for the weekend. I want this day to go faster, but I still need to call Eric and set up a meeting next week with Ted. He loved Eric's book just as much as I did, and I can't wait to see Eric's face when he signs that contract. The thought of Eric gives me small butterflies, and I smile to myself. As I'm opening the door my smile fades and I can feel the shock on my face. Eric is waiting for me in the lobby. Why do men keep showing up at my office? Instinctively I look for Charlie, but he's not here. Eric finally notices me and stands up to walk to me with a huge smile on his face. I can't help but return the sentiment because I am happy to see him too. When he reaches me he takes one step to close, and reaches out to shake my hand.
"Good morning Jocelyn." I take his hand in mine and smile up at him.
"Hello Eric. I was just going to call you, but here you are. Please come in." I step aside so he can get into my office. I shut the door as he takes a seat in the chair opposite my desk. I can feel him watch me as I make my way through the small office. I sit down and pull his file out of my desk and when I look up he is sitting forward slightly, watching me intently.
"So Eric, did you need something? Why did you stop by today?" He gives me a half smile. He's starting to look slightly uncomfortable.
"Well you said you would call me by the end of the week, and it is the end of the week. I know the day has barely started, but I thought I'd save you the trouble of calling and just come see you myself. Is that ok with you?" His face is beginning to turn an adorable shade of red. He tries to play so confident, but he seems to get embarrassed quite easily, and I start to wonder if maybe I am not good for him. I try to ease his mind by smiling at him.
"Of course that's ok with me Eric. I am very happy to see you, because now I can give you the great news in person. Ted loved your book, and we have decided to publish it. Do you have time on Tuesday next week to come in for a meeting with him and I?" As I'm telling him this, I swear he almost falls out of his chair. He is so happy, and my heart swells. His eyes start to water slightly, and his happiness is so infectious that my own tears start to sting at the back of my eyes as well.
"Jocelyn, are you serious? You have no idea how happy this makes me. I will be here Tuesday of course, I can't wait to meet Ted and see where this all goes next. Thank you so much for believing in me." He rubs his face, and his shoulders visibly relax, almost as though a weight has been lifted off him.
"Eric you did this, not me. You are the one who wrote an amazing story. I just simply pushed it up the line." He grins at me again.
"Well, I am still incredibly grateful that you loved the book so much."
"Very soon, there are going to be millions more who are going to love it too. This is going to change your life forever, I hope you're ready for that." He laughs slightly, but his expression doesn't match the laughter.
"What do you say to celebrating with me? What time do you take a break? Would you like to have lunch with me?" He gives me a shy smile, and I suspect he already knows that I have to say no.
"Eric, we can't. If anything were to happen between us before this is all final, it could ruin your career before it even starts, and I won't let that happen. I'm sorry, but we can't see each other outside the office." A lump forms in my throat. I do like Eric, he is so sweet and so kind, and I can't help but smile when I'm with him. He just looks down and nods.
"Is that really why you have to say no? Or are you saying no because of your friend who was here Monday?" What? He thinks that I won't see him because of Charlie? I think back to Monday, and the encounter the three of us had. Charlie was being overly affectionate and also protective, so I can see why Eric would think something more is going on, but Charlie and I are not exclusive.
"No Eric, this isn't about Charlie. He is just a friend." Knowing that he thinks Charlie has some sort of claim to me is irritating, and my response came out with more attitude than I intended. He shifts in his chair, and I think he knows that I'm angry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume. There just seemed to be something between the two of you." I let out a sigh, and my anger goes with it. I can see why he would think Charlie and I were something more. The scene Charlie put on outside my office would make anyone think there was something going on between us.
"It's alright Eric, you don't have to apologize. I can understand why you would think that, but I promise, there is just friendship there." His brow furrows and he bites the inside of his cheek.
"Can I speak freely?" I nod at him, curious about what he could have to say.
"Am I imagining this? Because, when we met on Monday, I felt a connection, and I think you did too. We were responding to each other, and unless I'm making it all up in my head you were considering my offer of a date. Just be honest with me, and tell me if this isn't real, because if it's not, I will never ask again." My mouth drops open slightly. I wasn't expecting that, but he isn't wrong. We did have a connection, and I did respond to his advances, but this can never happen. He is still as stone waiting for my response, but I just don't know how to say this without hurting him.
"You didn't make it up Eric. We did have a connection, and I was responding to your flirtations, even reciprocating them. I just don't know if exploring that is a good idea; for your career here, yes, but also just because I don't believe myself to be good for you." He has a shocked and almost disgusted look on his face.
"Jocelyn why would you think you wouldn't be good for me? What does that even mean?" I sit back in my chair, how do I explain this to him without revealing too much. I run my hands through my hair, trying to think about the right words to say. I decide just to be honest with him, mostly.
"It's just that, you are so very sweet, Eric. You are probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. I'm no good because, I break people like you. I'm not the dating type; I don't have boyfriends, I don't believe in monogamy, and I don't believe in love. Those things don't exist to people like me, but I believe they do for you, and I don't want to cast any shadows over you. That is why I don't believe exploring whatever connection we have, is worth the risk." He just looks at me blankly.
"I have thought of nothing but your smile since Monday, Jocelyn. It's not the smile of a toxic person. I don't believe you would cast any shadows. I wish you didn't believe that about yourself." He sighs and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. The sadness on his face makes my stomach drop. This is not how I thought our conversation would end.
"I won't ask you out again. From now on, I promise, I will be completely professional. Thank you for seeing me today, I look forward to our meeting on Tuesday." He stands and I just look up at him. He's waiting for me to get up and shake his hand and tell him goodbye. I sigh, angry at myself for hurting his feelings, and walk around the desk, stopping in front of him.
"I truly am sorry Eric, please believe that."
"There is nothing for you to be sorry about Jocelyn." Part of me wants to lean in and kiss him, but I can't ruin this man. He touches my hand, squeezing it slightly and sighs. There's a look on his face I can't decipher, but I know there is a sadness showing on mine. He turns to go, and he almost makes it to the door before he stops. His shoulders slump slightly, and then he turns back around. He sighs, and then a look of determination comes onto his face. He walks up to me, and hesitates for only half a second before he wraps one arm around my waist. He cups the back of my head with his other hand, lacing his fingers into my hair. I recoil from his touch slightly, but once his lips touch mine, all my resistance fades away. His lips are soft, not forceful, and not demanding. He pulls me closer to him and I wrap my arms around his back. I feel his mouth open slightly, and I open mine, tightening my grip on him. This is a new kind of feeling, one I haven't felt before, and I'm not really sure what it is. Too soon, he pulls away from me, breathless, and rests his forehead against mine. After a moment, he releases me from his grip and takes a small step back, forcing me to let go of him as well. I don't even know what to say to him, so I just stand there, waiting to see what he does next. His face is flushed, and he looks embarrassed again.
"I'm sorry. I just, really had to do that." He just shrugs his shoulders, unsure of what to do. If I'm being honest with myself, I have no idea what happens now. I don't know how I feel about that kiss. It was different than kissing Jake or Charlie, but for different reasons. When I kiss Jake, there's almost no feeling with it, just the physical response to what we're doing. When Eric kissed me, there was more, I'm just not sure what that more is. However, neither of them kiss me the way Charlie does, but then again, no one ever has. When Charlie kisses me, it's almost as though I leave myself, pushing all the pain I've ever felt away. Guilt starts to make it's way into my chest thinking about Charlie. Eric is still staring at me, waiting for me to respond.
"Don't be sorry." That's all I can manage to say. It's not enough, but I don't know how I feel yet, Charlie is in my head, and all I can think about is how he would feel if he knew I was here kissing another man. Eric's face falls.
"I can tell this was a mistake. I should go." Was it a mistake? Should I be worried about Charlie's feelings about this? Surely, he is seeing other women aside from me. In fact, I'm positive he is; he's the one who told me he doesn't date exclusively. I shouldn't be worried about what he would think. Actually, there's no reason for him to even know. Eric is walking toward the door, but I reach for his hand before he can make it out.
"Eric, wait, please. I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard. Please don't leave this way." He pulls his hand from mine, and puts it in his pocket.
"Jocelyn, no I'm sorry, this was a mistake. I hope I didn't make this too awkward."
"No, it's not awkward at all. Eric, I wanted that kiss as much as you did. Please don't think I didn't; I only hesitated because I don't want to hurt you. I told you, I'm no good for someone like you." I can't stand the thought of him thinking that he did something wrong. He is such a kind person, and here I am, already hurting him.
"Jocelyn, why do you have it in your head that you're no good? From all that I've seen, there's nothing but good in you." I wrap my arms around myself.
"It's sweet of you to think that Eric, but you'll soon find out that it's not true. I'm a broken, shell of a person, and once you see that, you won't look at me the same way you do now." He surprises me by wrapping me into a hug.
"Jocelyn, I can't think of anything that could make me look at you any differently. And I'd like the chance to get to know you better, and maybe change the way you think of yourself. So for now, what do you say, we just remain friends. We talk, learn about each other, and we let whatever is supposed to happen, happen. Does that sound like a fair plan to you?" Friendship? This isn't what I was expecting, but it is something I can handle. I tilt my head back and look up at him.
"Being friends sounds like a great plan. Thank you." He tilts his head and smiles at me.
"Why are you thanking me?"
"Just thank you for being kind to me, and not trying to push anything on me."
"Jocelyn I will never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable or try to force you into anything. I promise." He gives me another squeeze before letting me go. I feel good about this friendship arrangement, great actually, but there's a nagging in the back of my mind. I need to get some space.
"I have to get back to work now, but I'll talk to you soon. Is that ok?"
"Of course it is. I'm glad I came in today."
"Me too, Eric." He gives me one last hug before he walks out the door, shutting it behind him. Once I'm alone, the nagging voice comes back into my head, only this time, it's screaming at me. What am I doing? I am taking on too much. First, I let Jake convince me to spend more time with him, giving him false hope of something more coming out of this. I let Eric kiss me, and tell him we can be friends and see what develops from it. Then there's Charlie. I have broken so many rules with him. Ever since I met him, my guard has been letting down. My walls are starting to fall, and I can't let that happen. All three of these men will turn on me at some point. I roll my eyes at myself; three men Jocelyn, really? How did I let things get this messy. I know that nothing has come out of the police report, and so far it seems as though I am safe, but I still need to prepare for when that changes. I sit back down at my computer, and start looking for apartments I can afford, that are still in driving distance to my office. Hopefully I can just stay out of town and keep my job, but I also look for apartments further away and start looking for job postings for publishers as well. I have to have a plan.
When I look at the clock again, it is finally noon. I haven't gotten any real work done, but I did find three potential apartments, and I have also sent in two applications at offices a few hours from here. I feel better now, knowing that once the inevitable happens, I will at least have some footing when I have to get out quickly. I start packing my things, getting ready to head to Jake's house. I know that he wants to spend more time together, but it is a mistake. I will never be able to reciprocate the feelings he has for me. I'm physically unable too, but I can't tell him that. If I upset him too much, he could tell Kathryn everything, and I can't let that happen. I can't lose my friends along with everything else. My phone dings. I open the message and I roll my eyes.
Charlie: Hey baby, how's your day going?
I want to be happy that Charlie is texting me, and I am, but I just need to put some distance between us right now. That little voice is screaming at me, I have to much happening. I am being stretched too thin. I decide to just ignore the text. I'm sure I can respond later tonight, after I deal with Jake, and maybe I can see him tomorrow. I just can't deal with any more today. I head out of my office and to the elevator. Everyone seems to be leaving at the exact same time today, so I'm shoved in the back of the elevator. My phone dings again, but this time it is Jake.
Jake: Jocelyn, call me as soon as you can.
Well, this can't be good. I roll my eyes and wait for the elevator to open. Once I'm outside, I dial the phone and wait for Jake to answer. When he does he sounds panicked.
"Jocelyn, hey, I'm sorry, but you can't come over today." He's whispering and I can barely hear him.
"What do you mean, is everything ok?" He was so excited he's texted me about this date 15 times.
"Kat is here." I feel all the blood leave my face.
"What do you mean she is there. If she's there, why are you calling me?" How could he be so stupid.
"Well, she's in the shower, but I wanted to apologize for real, and not just in a text. She surprised me about an hour ago, I had everything laid out for our lunch, and I had to lie to her and tell her I was getting ready to leave to come pick her up to surprise her. I'm so sorry, I had no idea she was going to be here. Are you upset?" I am upset, but not because he's with Kat.
"No Jake, I'm not upset, but this is why I didn't think this arrangement would work in the first place. There's just to much risk of her finding out, and I don't want that." I can hear him let out a frustrated sigh.
"I know, I'm sorry. Look I don't have much time, she's going to be done any minute. I'll get ahold of you later this weekend, and we can reschedule. I promise. I'll text you soon."
"Just please make sure she is gone when you do, and make sure you delete any messages from me too."
"I will, I'm sorry Jocelyn. I'll talk to you later." I hang up the phone and head to the bus stop. I sit down on the bench there, and put my face in my hands. I cannot keep this up. The stress is making me so tired. The bus comes, and I sit in the middle, watching the city pass by. How am I going to tell Jake and Charlie it's over. Jake could ruin my life if he wanted too, but I have to believe he wouldn't do that. He says he cares for me, and if that is true, then he wouldn't want to hurt me by telling Kat the truth. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I almost miss the stop by my house. I get off the bus and head toward home. As I'm walking I get the feeling of being watched. Goosebumps appear all over my arms and I feel a chill run down my spine. I slow, and look around me. No one is out of place. There's no one suspicious around, but I can't shake the feeling. I walk as fast as I can without actually running; it may be the stress making me paranoid, but I have also learned to listen to my body when I get this feeling. I make it to the front door, and before I go in, I take one more look around. I unlock the door, rush inside, and lock it again behind me. I take a few deep breaths to try and calm myself, and then I walk upstairs to my room. I am so drained, and I need to take a nap. I change into my pajamas, and crawl under the covers. I can't continue to live like this. I have my escape plan, but now I need a plan to stay too. Something in my life has to change. Or maybe someone. Everything was fine before Charlie came into the picture, and now everything is so messed up. When I'm with him, I feel so safe, like somehow, I'm supposed to be there. However, there's another part of me that knows something bad is coming. This will go wrong, and I need to be prepared for when it does.