Finding the Light

Saying Goodbye

The attorney hands me a copy of the protection order and I feel better and worse at the same time. I feel better because now if Chuck comes within 100 yards of me, he gets arrested, but no one knows where he is so he can't even be served the papers yet. I haven't gotten anymore messages from him, but I'm getting constant ones from Jake. Voicemails and texts coming in at all hours of the night and day, and Charlie is starting to get irritated. I look behind me and he is smiling but his eyes are full of worry.
"Do you have any questions Ms. Stone?" I turn back around and the judge is watching me, I shake my head but then remember I have to verbally answer.
"No sir, I understand everything, and thank you." He sighs and shakes his head slightly.
"You're welcome." He looks like he wants to say more but doesn't. He dismisses us and I turn around to hug Charlie.
"I'm so proud of you Jocelyn." He kisses my hair and I just nod at him. There's nothing for me to be proud of or any reason for anyone to be proud of me. All I did was poke a sleeping bear. If they ever do find Chuck, he will be even more furious about me getting the police involved, and I will be even worse off. We walk out of the court room and meet our families in the lobby. My dad gets to me first.
"Are you ok? How did it go?" He grabs my shoulders and looks at me, like he's making sure I'm still me, and everyone else gathers around us in a tight circle.
"Yes daddy, I'm fine. The judge granted the protection order, so if he does get near me, he will get arrested. I guess it'll have to do." Everyone lets out a sigh of relief. I'm not sure what there is to be relieved about, but I'm happy they all feel better. Charlie wraps his arms around me and turns me to him, putting his palm against my cheek. I lean into it, trying to calm myself, but today it's not working. Something bad is going to happen, and I can't shake the feeling that it's going to happen sooner rather than later.
"Are you ok baby? I can tell you aren't as happy as the rest of us, please tell me what's going on?" He kisses my forehead, and I snuggle into his chest.
"I'm ok, I promise. I'm just scared. I think I'll be scared until they find him." He holds me tight to him, and I take a deep breath in. He smells like home, and I start to feel a little better.
"What do you want to do now honey?" These are the first words my mom has spoken all day. The stress of all of this was getting to her, and she internalizes everything, so I was worried she was going to explode.
"I don't know. There's no point in going to work now, so maybe lets just go home and get something to eat? How long are you guys staying?" I would really like to be alone for awhile, but I don't want to rush anyone out. I know that my parents feel better being here, and I am so glad they came, but right now I just need some space.
"Don't forget baby, we need to go get the rest of your things today to bring to the house. Derrick got the moving truck this morning." Charlie takes my hand in his, bringing my knuckles to his lips. I had forgotten about having to move all my things today. I still haven't heard from Kathryn, but Cayla texted yesterday saying they just needed time. It's Monday so I know they'll be at work and I won't upset them by being there. My chest starts to hurt, and I realize that my entire life is different now. I have no friends, no place to call my own, and I don't really know how much more I can take. I force back my tears as I look up at Charlie.
"Ok, well why don't we go there now, and then we can meet everyone back at your house?"
"Our house baby, but ok, if you want to go now we can." I hug my parents and Jennifer, and they leave me standing alone with Charlie and Derrick.
"Derrick do you have the truck here?" We didn't drive in it, but maybe he got it while I was in with the judge.
"No, I'll drop you two off so you can start packing, then I'll head back to the house to get it."
"Ok." Charlie squeezes my hand and then wraps his arm around my shoulder holding me close. I can tell he knows I'm unhappy, but I don't want to talk about it right now.
Our ride to my apartment is quiet, except for the occasional question from Derrick about directions. I just don't have the energy to pretend to be happy right now, but I do feel bad for being so silent. Once Derrick drops us off and is finally gone, I start to relax a little. We walk in the front door, and it's almost like walking into another life. I've been gone for three days, but it's almost as though I never lived here at all. I feel a tear slide down my face and Charlie reaches up to catch it.
"Baby, are you sure you want to do this? I can pack up your things for you." I shake my head, but I don't respond, I just walk up the stairs to my room and he follows me. When I open the door, something seems off, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I look around, and tears sting my eyes again. I really loved living here, but I ruined it, just like I ruin everything else I touch. I force myself to get it together, and go to my closet to get my luggage cases.
"Where do you want to start baby?" Charlie takes the largest case from me, and lays it on the bed, waiting for me to give him some form of direction.
"Well, I guess lets start with the dresser, since everything is already folded, and then we can do the closet. I don't have a lot so it shouldn't take long." I never thought having to many things was a good idea, for instances like this, where I have to make a quick get away. It's easier to carry everything you own, when you can fit your entire world into three suitcases. Charlie starts pulling things out of my drawers, and I start cleaning off my desk, organizing papers and files into my work bag.
"Can I bring Albert with me?" He is swimming around in circles in his little bowl, and I can't bare the thought of leaving him here. Charlie looks at me with a sad smile.
"Of course baby. I wouldn't dream of leaving him behind." Charlie is finished with the dresser, and starts pulling clothes out of the closet. I strip my sheets off my bed, and then realize that I don't need to take the bed with me.
"I guess all my furniture can stay here." I say this so flatly that I don't even recognize my own voice.
"Are you sure baby? We can take it, I'm sure we can find room for it." I just shrug my shoulders.
"No, you already have furniture, and none of this matches it. Besides, your bed is bigger than mine anyway. I'll take my desk and rocking chair if that's ok, but we can leave everything else behind." He comes across the room and stands in front of me.
"Jocelyn, I need you to be completely honest with me. Can you do that?" He puts a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him, and I nod my head.
"Do you want to move in with me? Because right now, you seem so depressed about leaving, that I'm worried you will resent me for this later." I take a second to think of how to word this without hurting his feelings, or making him think I've changed my mind.
"I want to move in. I want to come home to you every night, and wake up to you every morning, but I'm also really upset about it. This place was my home Charlie, I loved living here and I love my friends, but all of that was taken away from me. So yes, I want to move in, but I also feel like I had no choice at the same time. Does that make sense?" He leans in and kisses my forehead, and the look in his eyes is breaking my heart.
"I know baby. I understand why you feel like you're being forced. What Jake did was unforgivable, and I'm so sorry that it happened. Whatever you want though, is what we will do. Do you want me to help you figure out a way to stay here? Do you want me to help you find a different apartment? Or do you want us to find a new house together? You just tell me, and we will do it." I can't help it, and I roll my eyes at him. He is trying to hard, but it's also very sweet.
"No Charlie. I don't want to find a new house, and I can't stay here. It will just constantly remind me of everything I've lost. I want to be with you, in the house you built, and make it a home for us. But I also need some time to grieve this chapter of my life as well. Is that ok?"
"I understand that. As long as you are happy Jocelyn, I am happy." He kisses my head again and then heads into the bathroom to start cleaning it out. I hear the front door open, and then Derrick walks into the room and lays some boxes on the bed.
"I picked these up this morning, just in case we needed extra room for stuff." I start unfolding one, and putting my pictures and other miscellaneous things into it.
"Thank you Derrick." He nods and picks up a suitcase, carrying it down to the truck. I unfold another box and walk into the bathroom so I can help Charlie. He is cleaning out the shower, and when he sees me he starts laughing.
"This is one thing I will not miss. This shower is way to small." I can't help but giggle with him.
"The shower isn't too small Charlie, you are just abnormally large." He tries to look offended but he just smiles again.
"Yeah, you're probably right, but there's nothing I can do to help that." We finish packing everything and the guys clear out the last of the boxes and finally take my desk out, but I stay behind for a moment to just look around. I will really miss this place. It was the first place I ever felt at home away from my parents house. I check the closet and the dresser and under the bed one last time, and then I look at the window and notice something strange, it's open. I never leave my windows open, in fact, I'm pretty sure I've never opened them at all. I'm standing there thinking of all the reasons why this would be when Charlie comes back into the room scaring the life out of me.
"Sorry baby, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you ok?" I catch my breath and look at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine, but Charlie, did you open this window on Friday when you were here?" He looks from me to the window clearly confused, but shakes his head.
"No, I didn't open it. I never left the bed once I got here. Maybe one of the girls was in here and opened it." He shrugs his shoulders and I decide he's probably right. I say a silent goodbye to this room, and take Charlie's hand and we walk downstairs. I wrote separate notes for each of the girls, and I leave them on the kitchen table, hoping they read them, and decide to call me one day. I walk outside into the afternoon sun and out of my old life, ready to start my new one.
When we get back to the house, Jennifer has lunch ready, and we all sit down to eat. They all seem to be getting along great, and I'm even more thankful for that because it means I can keep to my own thoughts. I am so overwhelmed right now, but everyone else seems to be adjusting just fine. I take my plate to the sink and then stand behind Charlie, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He leans back into me and I kiss his forehead.
"Are you ok baby?" How many times is he going to ask me that today?
"Yes, I'm fine. But I think I'll go start unpacking. You guys stay here, and finish lunch. I just need a few minutes to myself. Is that ok?" He takes one of my hands and kisses my wrist.
"Of course it is. I'll be in in a little while to help you finish." I nod my head at him and leave the room, finally feeling like I can breathe now that I have some distance between us. I know that I love Charlie, but ever since we met, things seem to just keep going wrong. Jake never would have admitted our affair to Kathryn, I wouldn't have to move out of the apartment I love, and the worst of it all, Chuck wouldn't have found me if Charlie and I never met. I can't really blame him for these things, but a small part of me is still really angry about it. I do love him though, and he means to much to me to give him up now. I'm just about finished emptying my first suitcase when the door opens. I roll my eyes wishing Charlie had given me some more time, but it's my parents.
"Oh, I figured you would be Charlie. Is everything ok?" My mom and dad come into the room and close the door behind them. My mom sits on the bed and pats the space beside her asking me to sit down too.
"Charlie was on his way back, but we asked him if we could have some time with you. We are going to be leaving soon, and there's some things we wanted to talk to you about." I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself because I know this is not going to be good.
"Ok mom, what do you want to talk about?" She sighs and I can see the tears in her eyes, but they never fall.
"Well, honey, first of all, can you tell us what happened with Cayla and Kathryn? The three of you were so close, and now all of a sudden there's a problem big enough that you have to move out? Can you try to explain that to us?" I have to look away, because I am so ashamed. I can't tell them the truth, they will never look at me the same. My dad sits next to my mom, and they're both waiting on an explanation. I don't have it in me to lie anymore, so I just tell them the truth, and decide to deal with the fall out.
"Well, Kat's boyfriend, Jake, was the problem. Before I met Charlie, he and I had been having an affair for the last couple of years, and on Friday, he saw me with Charlie and got very upset. He confronted us, in front of Kathryn and Cayla, and admitted to her that he was in love with me. I never felt the same way about him, I always considered him to be a good friend, but he apparently felt differently. So it's my fault that I have to move, I did this to myself, and I have to deal with the consequences." I shrug my shoulders, because I really don't know what else to do. I look up at them, and my dad looks a little angry, but my mom has an understanding look on her face.
"Honey, that is not your fault. Yes, the affair was probably a bad idea, especially if you didn't have any feelings for him, but you didn't force him to tell Kat. He made that choice on his own, but you are the one who will suffer for it, not him. Just give it some time, maybe they will see that you actually did Kathryn a favor. Jake obviously didn't respect her or care for her enough to not seek attention elsewhere, so now she can move on and find someone else. Maybe just never be alone with him." She laughs a little, and I start to feel better.
"You're really not angry with me? I thought you would just leave after I told you." My dad sighs, but smiles at me.
"No babygirl, we are not angry with you. I'm a little upset about it, but I'm not angry. I'm mostly sorry that he was an idiot and did this to you." I can't help but laugh and he looks confused.
"Charlie keeps calling him an idiot too. It's just kind of funny that you two seem to have a lot in common, even though I know you don't like him very much." My parents suddenly look uncomfortable and I know that the worst is yet to come.
"Honey, I love Charlie, he seems to make you very happy, and I know he will protect you. I may think your relationship is moving a little too quickly, but it's your father that has the problem." She nods her head at dad, and he stands up and starts pacing, something I inherited from him.
"Daddy? What's the problem with Charlie?" He folds his arms over his chest and looks at me.
"I just don't know how much I trust him. I know you love him, and I've never seen you as happy as you are with him, but something seems wrong to me. You've known each other a week and he's already gotten you to move in here with him. I just want you to be careful. He's so protective of you, almost too much, and I'm afraid that something bad will come of it. I just want to make sure you are safe." My first reaction is to be offended, but I stop myself, because this is my dad. He would never do anything or say anything to hurt me on purpose, and I know that if he feels this way, it's something I shouldn't take lightly. I stand up and go to hug him.
"Thank you daddy. I promise that I will be careful. If anything happens, even a single red flag, I will call you right away and I will come home." He smiles and hugs me back, clearly satisfied with this answer. My parents help me finish unpacking all my clothes and I find a new home for Albert on the nightstand by my side of the bed. I feel better, now that I've talked to them, almost like I have a new clarity to my situation. I do love Charlie, and I feel safe with him, but I also need to be cautious. I don't know him very well, and he could still end up being bad for me.
Everyone is standing at the front door with their bags, getting ready to leave and I am going to miss the full house, but I'm also relieved that I will have some time to myself without having someone constantly watching me. I hug my parents and my mom tries to hide her tears, but I see them and sigh.
"Mom, I promise we will come visit soon. I want everyone to meet Charlie. How about two weeks from now?" Her face lights up and she starts crying again.
"Two weeks is perfect! We will have the whole family over and have a cookout. And Jennifer, you and Derrick are welcome as well. My other kids would love to meet you." Jennifer has the biggest smile on her face and hugs my mom.
"We would love to come! It has been so wonderful meeting you both, and we just adore Jocelyn, so I can only imagine how amazing your other children are." My dad shakes Charlie's hand and whispers something in his ear that I can't hear, but Charlie has a very serious look on his face and nods at him. I really hope my dad will start to like him over time, and maybe the shadow of doubt hanging over me will leave when that happens. Charlie comes to stand behind me and puts his arms around my waist and his chin on my head as we watch everyone pull out of the driveway, finally leaving us alone.
Once everyone is finally gone, I collapse on the couch, completely exhausted from everything that's gone on this weekend. Charlie sits beside me and puts my feet into his lap, and starts massaging the bottoms of them.
"That feels so good, I don't even know how to describe it." He starts pulling on my toes and I sink further into the couch.
"I'm glad baby. I never realized though, my hand is bigger than your foot." He puts his palm against the bottom of my foot, and it's true, and we both start laughing. He begins the massage again, and I close my eyes, relaxing all my stress away.
"Thank you Charlie, for letting my parents come for a couple days. It made me feel so much better that they were here today."
"They are welcome here any time baby. This is your home now, and I would never keep you from them." I guess this is my home now, but it doesn't feel that way yet. I open my eyes to look at Charlie, and he is looking out into the room, lost in his own thoughts.
"What are you thinking about babe?" He shakes his head a little, seemingly trying to clear away whatever thought he was having and looks at me.
"I was just thinking about you actually. I want you to feel at home here, and I want to make you as happy as I possibly can. I just hope that I'm man enough to do it." I sit up onto my knees and crawl into his lap, hugging my arms around his neck.
"Charlie you make me happier than I ever knew was even possible, but I want you to remember your own happiness too. I'm not the only one in this relationship, your needs matter too." He kisses my nose and puts a palm against my cheek.
"I love you so much." I press my lips to his, and we start getting lost in each other. His hands make their way under my shirt, and he unhooks my bra. I pull away so he can lift my shirt up and undress me, and I pull his shirt off as well. He starts placing feather light kisses along my collarbone, making goosebumps appear on my skin. I wrap my fists into his hair, and pull him closer to me. He starts twisting my nipple between his thumb and finger, and I let out a soft moan. He moves to unbutton my pants, but suddenly Grizzly starts going insane at the back door, growling and trying to get to something on the other side. It makes both of us jump, and Charlie nearly squishes me to death pulling me to his chest.
"What is going on? Why is he so upset?" I try to catch my breath while Charlie puts me beside him and stands from the couch.
"I don't know, he never does this. I don't see anything, but I'll go check." Charlie walks to the back of the room to look out the sliding glass door, and my phone buzzes beside me on the table. I pick it up and my whole body gets cold as I read the words on the screen.
"Charlie.." He turns to me, and after seeing how pale I know I've become he runs back over to take my phone, while I pull my shirt on as quickly as possible.
"What the hell? Jocelyn, stay here, I'm going to make sure all the windows and doors are locked. Do not move from this spot." He hands me back my phone and rushes from the room, but Grizzly stays by the backdoor, still growling at something neither of us can see. I take a deep breath and look back down at my phone, reading the warning I know he sent as a courtesy.
-I see you're already starting to get comfortable in your new home. You really should close the curtains before you let him undress you. He may think you are his, but you belong to me. And I'm coming to get what's mine.