Finding the Light

Reconnecting

"No, Cayla, it's fine I promise. You guys stay there, I don't want to ruin your trip. I'll see you when you get back next week." I hang up the phone and shut it off. The tracking app is still somewhere on it and I've already risked to much by turning it on to call Cayla. I cannot let Charlie find me, honestly I should have made him delete the app the second he told me about it, but I thought it was making him feel better, and now I have no idea how to get rid of it. I know now that he was using it to make sure I was still at work and not coming home to catch him with his pants down. I frown at how literal that statement actually is and try to shake away the thought. I finish putting the clothes and the little food that I bought into the back of my car so I can head back to the apartment. I drove around for two hours trying to figure out where to go, but finally I decided to go to the last place I felt at home. I doubt Charlie will even think to look there, at least not right away, so I'll be safe for a little while. The image of him behind that woman keeps replaying in my mind, like a disgusting horror movie loop, and it honestly makes me nauseous. I knew he was hiding something, but I never thought he was hiding a person. She must have been who all the secret phone calls were. Something about the whole thing seems so wrong, aside from the cheating obviously, but it's something else too. Charlie has always said that he loves the way I look, that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, but the woman he was with looks nothing like me. I'm barely over 5 foot, she was at least 5'10, my hair is jet black and long, hers was bottle blonde and cropped above her shoulders. Her appearance shouldn't matter, and it doesn't, not really, but the oppositeness of us does bother me for some reason. If he thinks I'm so beautiful and he loves me so much, why would he go for a woman that is nothing like me. If he was upset about me being so depressed and missed me, he would have replaced me with someone who at least resembled me right? But, this was something else. It's like he wanted something new, something that wasn't me, and I think that's what hurts the most. He lied when he said he loved me, and he made me give up my whole life for him. I was stupid enough to do it, and obviously that's my fault, but part of me does blame him. When we met we were both adamant that we wanted nothing serious between us, and then a week in he was confessing his love for me. I fell for him too, so quickly that it scares me, but now I wish he never would have told me that he loved me. If he would have just stayed away from me, and not shown me the other sides to him then I wouldn't be in this mess. I never would have moved, I wouldn't be homeless, again, and my heart wouldn't be broken. My eyes start to sting as tears try to fall, but I push them down, I won't cry for him anymore today. I pull up and park across the street from the apartment and unload my few bags to carry inside. As I'm shutting the hatch I get a weird feeling, my skin starts to prickle like someone is poking me with a million needles and the air suddenly feels cold. I look around, but I can't see anyone that would cause any suspicions so I shake the feeling off; it's probably just my loneliness manifesting in weird ways. Luckily, I didn't give my key back, I guess I was hopeful that maybe one day they'd let me come home, so I'm able to unlock the door and get in. I lock the deadbolt behind me and go into the kitchen to put my groceries away. When I walk into my old room, a sense of dread hits me, and it takes all my strength to not crumble to the floor. My chest starts to hurt and my breathing becomes ragged. I feel so alone, and this is what I wanted, to be alone, but now the emptiness of the house is closing in on me and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I sit on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands. I'm trying to breathe, but my whole body starts shaking and then the tears start flowing. I've never felt more broken, even when Chuck left me for dead in that alley, I still felt like a person. Now I feel like nothing, less than nothing actually, I feel like something Charlie kept around because I amused him just enough until he was able to toss me aside, and trade me in for a better model. This goes much deeper than anything Chuck ever did to me, and I'm afraid that this time, I won't ever recover. My sobs have calmed down, so I stand and strip all my clothes off. I'm standing in just my bra and panties and I feel a little less constricted, but it stills feels like my lungs can't take enough air. I go to the hall closet and grab some extra sheets and a pillow so I can lay down. I'm so exhausted, partly from the crying, but I think my heart needs time to rest as well. I put the sheets on and crawl under the blanket. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I fall into a restless sleep, the darkness seeming to swallow me whole.
When I open my eyes, I'm tied to a chair again. At least this time I'm not blindfolded. I look around, and I'm in the bedroom I shared with Charlie. Why would he have me tied to a chair in our room? I'm trying to wiggle out of my restraints, when a tall blonde woman comes into view. She walks past me like I don't even exist, and sits on the edge of the bed. I recognize her instantly, this is Charlie's 'other woman'. She's completely naked, and of course her body is perfect.
"What are you doing in my room?" I hope she can hear how annoyed I am. She finally turns to me, and there is a bored expression on her face. She doesn't speak, she just sits there and stares at me.
"Talk you bitch. Why are you here!" The shrillness of my voice surprises me, but I am beyond pissed that she is here. She just blinks at me and then starts studying her fingernails, like she's judging the manicure she got done. Suddenly the door bursts open, and Charlie is standing there.
"Charlie, what's going on? Why am I tied up, and why is this naked woman in our room?" I can feel the tears in my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of this woman. Charlie comes to stand in front of me, and I have to lean my head all the way back so I can meet his gaze.
"Our room? This isn't our room, this is a room where you once slept, and now I'm finally rid of you." His voice is ice cold, and it cuts all the way through me. He turns and walks to the blonde woman, and she stands up in front of him, still not saying anything. He walks behind her and wraps his arms around her. He begins touching her, first her breasts, then her waist, and finally ending up right above her sex. He looks me right in the eye, and a sinister smile comes across his face.
"You see, Jocelyn, this is the kind of woman I need. Tall, slim, and perfect. You could never measure up to someone like her, you could never be good enough, and you could never feel as good as she does." He slides his hand lower, and his fingers disappear inside her. I want to turn my head, but I can't move, and my eyes feel like they're stapled open. Her head rolls back against his shoulder as he continues to pleasure her.
"Why Charlie? Why are you doing this?" My voice is so small, and I sound like a wounded animal. He laughs as he removes his fingers from her, and then slides them into his mouth. He walks back over and kneels down so he is eye to eye with me. I can smell her on him, and it's enough to make me sick.
"I'm doing this to prove a point. You were never what I wanted. You were a play thing that I kept around for fun, but that's over now. I'm doing this to show you just how worthless you are. You're going to watch, as I fuck her, and I'm going to show you that I never loved you."
My own screams wake me up, and I nearly fall out of the bed. I'm covered in sweat, and my heart feels like it's going to burst. The room is pitch black, except for a little bit of light shining through the window from the moon. I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand and try to steady my breathing. That was horrific and I'm mortified that my subconscious put me through a nightmare like that.
"My brain is seriously messed up." The darkness has no answer for me, so I guess that means it agrees. I stand up and go into the bathroom to rinse my face. When I look in the mirror, my eyes are so swollen that it looks like I've been punched. It actually looks like my entire face is swollen from crying. I splash some cold water over my eyes and tie my hair up into a knot. I have no idea what time it is, but I know it's late. I'm still tired though, so I decide to just lay back down. When I walk out of the bathroom, I realize the window I looked through only a moment ago is open. Was it open when I looked at it before? I didn't think it was, but then again I wasn't paying much attention. I start to shiver as fear rakes through me, and I slowly walk over to shut it. As soon as the latch clicks I feel movement behind me. My body freezes and finally he speaks.
"You are so beautiful when you sleep, but I could tell you were having a nightmare. Was it about me?" Chuck's voice is soft, but panic inducing at the same time. I try to turn around, but my body is stuck in the position it's in, and I'm having to force myself to breathe. I hear his feet against the carpet as he walks toward me. He places his hands on my shoulders and the contact makes me collapse in on myself. I go limp and fall right into his arms. I'm not completely unconscious, just halfway, but he happily holds me to him and carries me to the bed. He lays me down, so gently like he thinks I might break, and then covers me with the blanket. My eyes won't open, but I can feel his breath on my face, so I know he's right next to me.
"Sweetheart, it's ok, I'm here now. I'm going to take care of you, and once you're ready, we will leave and start our new life." Why does he sound like this? Chuck has never once offered to take care of me, and he definitely has never wanted to wait until I'm ready for anything. Finally, my eyes open and I'm able to look up at him. He's leaning over me, and his eyes are burning into mine.
"How are you here?" I'm not sure he hears me, because my voice comes out as a whisper. He laughs slightly and runs his fingers over my cheek.
"Oh darling, I got out early. You had to know I was going to come back for you." His hand moves from my face down to my neck and he lifts my head up. My body turns to jelly, and I just let him do what he wants so I don't get hurt. He surprises me by placing his arm under my head and then turning me so he can pull me to his chest. He holds me tight, and rubs his face into my hair.
"I was there today. I saw what that poor excuse for a man did. I tried to warn you, I tried to tell you that he didn't really love you, but you wouldn't listen. I'm the only one who loves you, Jocelyn, and I'm the only one who ever will." He kisses my shoulder and tears start silently spilling from my eyes. He got released early? How does that even happen? He's right though, I knew he would come for me once he was out, so I guess the fact that he's here doesn't really surprise me that much. He just holds me, weirdly comforting me, while I cry. Chuck has never been the comforting type, not even before the beatings started, so I'm just waiting for the punishment I know is coming for having him thrown in jail. I cry for what seems like hours, and he just lays behind me, holding me and occasionally kissing my hair. I'm so confused by his actions and as my sobs begin to slow, I turn myself so I can face him. He looks at me, and I see what looks like compassion in his eyes. This only makes my head more of a mess, but I have to know. So I decide to just ask.
"Are you angry with me?" I know that I'm not getting out of this room unless he lets me out, so there's really no use in struggling, and I figure I might as well get some answers as to what he plans to do with me. He smiles at me, and I swear if I didn't know the monster he really was, I would feel safe with him. He is being so kind, so gentle, and so loving. It's very out of character, and I have no idea what kind of game he could be playing right now.
"I was angry with you, very angry, but then I realized that you aren't the problem, he is. He was the one who brainwashed you against me, and told me I could never see you again." He rolls his eyes and the look of disgust on his face is almost comical, it's like he can't understand why Charlie wouldn't want him near me.
"He is the one who kept you away from me, and then called the police when we were finally together again. I'm sorry that I hurt you that day, I never want to hurt you, I just want you to be the best you that you can be. I promise, now that I'm here, and now that we're together again, things will be different. I want us to reconnect and start fresh." He kisses my forehead and his touch makes me go cold, but I don't move away. Right now, he's being kind of normal, and not forcing anything on me, and I want to keep it that way. I have no intention of being with him again, but it's not safe for me to tell him that. I have to tread lightly, and play into his game until I can get away again.
"How will things be different?" I never take my eyes off his, I want him to know that I'm not the scared little girl I used to be, and I'm hoping that doesn't backfire on me.
"As long as you promise to be a good girl, and stay with me, then things will be the complete opposite of what they were. We will be happy, and I will take care of you. All I want is to take care of you sweetheart, I want no one else but you." The words he's saying may seem ok, but I know when he's playing me, and right now he is laying it on thick. If I'm a good girl, then things will be different? Being a good girl means giving him whatever he wants when he wants it and never telling him no. He is a master manipulator, I have to give him that, but there is no way I will fall for it. He takes the tie out of my hair and runs his fingers through the tangled mess.
"You need to get some rest, I know you must be tired. Go to sleep, my love, and in the morning we can discuss what our next move is." He rolls me back over so he can hold me, and he kisses my shoulder again. He pulls the blanket all the way up so I'm completely covered, which I'm thankful for, but his hands are roaming all over my mostly naked body. I curse myself silently for not putting on any pajamas, but at the time I didn't think I'd be having any visitors. I lay completely still and try to slow my breathing, maybe if he thinks I'm asleep he will just stop and let me rest. His hand moves from my waist to my breast, and all hope I had vanishes. He squeezes me through my bra, and groans softly in my ear.
"I've missed the way your body feels." Between his words and him touching me, it makes my stomach turn, but I don't dare move. If I try to resist, I know it's only going to hurt more, so I just lay there.
"You've missed me too, haven't you love?" He kisses my neck, and unhooks my bra at the same time. A single tear falls from my eye, and I know there's no stopping him. He lifts my limp body so he can take my bra off and throw it on the floor. He rolls me onto my back and slides my panties down my legs. I'm completely bare, and I've never felt more vulnerable than I do now. In a way, this is worse than the other times because he's being so kind, and he thinks that I actually want this too. He stands from the bed and undresses quickly, then climbs back on top of me. To my surprise, he kisses my lips. I kiss him back, almost involuntarily, and it feels strange. I honestly don't think he's kissed me like this ever. I can't remember there ever being a time that he kissed me on the mouth actually, so doing it now just seems kind of ridiculous. He continues kissing me gently, and for a moment, I think maybe this won't be so bad, but with Chuck it's always bad. He pushes two fingers into me suddenly, and I wince, trying to get away. He grips onto my hair with his free hand, and holds me in place. I should have known this was going to happen. He moves his lips from mine, to whisper in my ear.
"Stay still, my love, remember what I said about being a good girl." He looks down at me, and I try not to, but a tear falls as I nod my head. His brow pinches together, and he looks completely confused.
"Why are you crying?" He removes his fingers from me, and I let out a relieved sigh.
"I just wasn't expecting this, and Chuck, I really don't want too." I pray that somewhere, deep deep down, that he has a heart, and will let me have some peace. His face twists up, but I can't tell if it's anger or confusion and he just stares down at me.
"Jocelyn, you're mine. I need this, it's been so long since we've been together. I need to know that you're still mine." His face is starting to get red, and I know that he's getting irritated with me, but I just don't care.
"Chuck, please, if you care about me, you won't force this on me. If you really love me, then show it by not making me do something I'm not ready for." Tears cloud my vision, and I do my best to blink them away.
"You know that I love you, and I want you to show me that you love me. You need to prove to me, that even though you've been whoring around with that ridiculous man, you are still mine, and this is the only way to show me that." He tries to put his fingers back into me, but I grab his wrist and push him away.
"No, I won't do it." I push myself up in the bed, trying to get away, but he shoves me back down.
"Jocelyn, do not piss me off. Lay back down, or I will make you lay down." He grips onto my hair, hard, and I cry out in pain. He pushes me back down onto the bed, and positions himself between my legs. I can't overpower him, he's much to strong, so I just brace myself for what's coming. I try to think about Charlie, and how making love is supposed to feel, but then I remember that he doesn't actually love me. Maybe this is what I deserve, maybe this is the only love I'll ever get. With one swift movement, he's inside me. There is a searing pain as I feel something tear, because there's no lubrication, and it makes me scream. He puts his hand over my mouth to silence me, and he continues his hard thrusts. I try to put myself somewhere else, try to remove my mind, but the pain is so intense, that it keeps drawing me back in. Tears stream down my face, and I can hardly breathe between his hand covering my mouth and the sobbing. He doesn't notice, and he lifts my left leg into the air, to give himself more access to me. My vision becomes blurry and black dots dance around my eyes. I'm going to pass out. I say a silent prayer, that I when I wake up, if I wake up, that this was all just a nightmare. Chuck's words are the last thing I hear before I'm overcome by darkness.
"You are mine."