Finding the Light

Her Ending

The nothingness of death is something people rarely talk about. I'm just floating in an endless sea of air. I knew I was going to die when Chuck finished his first cut, I could feel it in my bones. I never would have imagined that he would kill me, I always thought he wanted me alive so he could make me suffer, but apparently knowing that someone else would always be after me, made him go a little crazy. I can still hear Charlie's voice in my head so clearly, calling out to me, telling me he loves me. I can almost feel his lips on mine. Maybe this is what the after life will be, just me feeling and remembering our time together, no matter how brief it actually was. Suddenly I feel myself being shifted, the soft breeze around me is starting to pick up speed. What's going on now? I can't see anything, I haven't been able to open my eyes, and the sounds around me are like hearing them from underwater. The only thing I can hear clearly is Charlie. He's telling me he is sorry, telling me he loves me, and asking me to come back to him. Why would he ask that? He has to know by now that I'm dead. Maybe not though, who knows where Chuck hid my body, and who knows if Charlie actually cares. The air around me starts raging again, like I'm standing in the middle of a hurricane, and my skin starts to tingle. Maybe I'm in purgatory right now, until my fate is decided, and that's what all the commotion is.
"Please come back to me, I won't be able to survive without you."
Charlie? Where are you! Why can't I see you, what's going on? I'm trying to scream, but nothing is coming out, it's like my vocal cords have been removed. I try to move, but my body is weightless and heavy at the same time. I manage to wiggle my fingers, and I feel something beneath my hand, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel my hand being lifted, and that's when the pain starts. Searing pain, radiating from every cell in my body. It's an angry kind of pain, that feels like it will never go away, like it's after some sort of revenge. I hear screaming, but it's muffled like my ears are full of cotton. I can't focus on that now anyway, because the pain is making me dizzy. There is a tingling sensation at the base of my neck. The small spot start pulsating, growing bigger with every passing second, until I feel like my entire scalp is on fire. Why does this hurt so bad? Maybe this is the start of my descent into hell; I was kind of a shitty person after all, so it wouldn't surprise me much. I need to move, there has to be a way to adjust to this pain. I take a deep breath, and start rolling my head from side to side. The slight stretch feels good, and the release of tightness in my muscles makes the pain subside slightly. There is still screaming all around me, but there's only one voice I want to hear right now, so I focus my brain on finding him. There's so many voices, having conversations that make no sense to me, but still I listen.
"The infection is stable, but she's not out of the woods yet." No.
"Her cuts will heal, but she may have some permanent scarring." That's not Charlie either.
"The trauma of the assault is what caused the miscarriage." Miscarriage? Who are they even talking about?
"When is she going to wake up? I felt her move."
There! That's it, that's the voice I want to hear. Hearing his voice, the voice of the man I love, washes all the pain away, almost like being dipped into a warm pool. I hold onto the sound of his voice, and I feel at peace. Something is still wrong though, why am I stuck in limbo? And how does one feel pain in the afterlife anyway? I died, didn't I? This isn't what I thought death would feel like, but then again, I've never died before, nor have I talked to someone who has, so I have no real expectations I guess. I can hear Charlie still, I can't make out the words anymore, but I know it's him. I need to see him, I need to tell him I love him one more time. I brace myself for the pain to start again, and I sit up. Nothing happens, I'm still in the same position I was. Maybe I need to start with something smaller. He said he felt me move, maybe I can move my hand again. I take a few steadying breaths, and squeeze my fingers. It's easier than I thought it would be, and I feel the warmth of his hand around mine. More screaming, great, I just wanted to move, I didn't want to be bombarded with screams again. Ok, I'm going to ignore the ruckus, I want to open my eyes. I roll my head from side to side again, gathering up the courage to finally see where I am. My eyelids flutter a few times, and I catch a glimpse of a blinding white light. I hear something new, something out of place among the voices. A low beeping, a heart monitor? Maybe I'm not dead. Ok, Jocelyn, focus, it's time to wake up. I force my eyes open, there's nothing but a piercing whiteness around me, but after a few blinks, and about five seconds, I realize that I'm staring directly into a light on the ceiling. Ok, I'm not dead. I look around the room, and there are faces everywhere. Most of them are just a blur, but right next to me, is the face I've been trying so hard to find.
"Charlie?" My voice is hoarse, like I haven't had a drink of water in weeks. Tears instantly start falling from his eyes, and his face falls down to the bed.
"Oh my god, Jocelyn, I thought I lost you. I've been waiting for days for you to wake up. I love you so much, you will never know how much. Thank you, for coming back to me." He leans over and kisses my cheek, and his touch sends a shock through me, making me shiver. The sudden movement, causes the burning pain to start again, and I gasp, making Charlie jump.
"What is it baby, where does it hurt?" His eyes are full of fear, a wild kind of fear, you only see in your nightmares.
"Everywhere. Where am I?" I'm assuming I'm in a hospital, but I have no idea how I got here, or what happened after I died in that room. Wait, I didn't actually die, at least I don't think I did.
"You're at the hospital baby, everyone is here. You're safe now." Charlie kisses my hand gently, and I look around the room. My parents are standing on the opposite side of my bed from Charlie, and Todd, Ryan, and Jeff are behind them. I look toward the foot of my bed and on either side are Kathryn and Cayla, Derrick, Eric, Jake, and Jennifer. Wow, everyone really is here.
"What happened?" I look at Charlie, and his eyes fill with tears again.
"I wasn't there. He got you and I wasn't there to protect you. When we finally found you, I thought it was too late, but you said my name before they took you out, so I knew you were alive. Baby, you've been in a coma for six days. The doctors said you just needed time to heal, that your body was processing the trauma internally, and we just needed to be patient. It was the longest six days of my life. I never thought you'd wake up." I'm trying to process what he said, but none of it makes sense. I was in that nothingness for six days? It felt like five minutes. My dad leans down beside me, and I turn to look at him.
"Hi daddy." I try to smile, but it hurts, so I just stay still.
"Hi babygirl. I'm so happy you're awake. We've been so worried about you, but I knew you would pull through. You are so strong." His voice cracks, and I know he's been crying. I hate that everyone is so sad, but there's really nothing I can do considering I'm stuck in this bed, and can barely move.
"I'm so sorry daddy. I should have just come home, I never should have gone off alone." Tears sting my eyes, and my throat burns as I try to catch my breath.
"It's ok Jocelyn, you don't need to apologize. Just get some rest honey. It's late, and even though you've been asleep, I know you have to be tired. We will all come back tomorrow morning to see you ok?" He kisses my forehead, and after everyone says their goodbyes, I'm left in the room alone with only Charlie.
"Aren't you going home too?" I squeeze his hand with as much force as I can, but I have almost no strength, so it's a pretty pitiful squeeze.
"No baby, I haven't left here, not once, and I'm not going to start now. Your dad fought me on it for the first two nights, but then I think he realized that he would have to actually kill me to get me to leave your side." He smiles, sort of, at the thought, and then pulls his chair closer to the side of my bed.
"I thought I'd lost you Jocelyn. I was so afraid, you are everything to me, and I don't know what I would have done if we hadn't found you when we did. Please, can you ever forgive me for not being there?" The look on his face makes my heart shatter.
"You didn't know he got out early, there was nothing you could have done to protect me Charlie." I don't want to talk about the cheating right now, I know he thinks that we should air it out now, but I just can't. I'm not ready to process that hurt just yet.
"There's something else I need to tell you." He is so scared, I can see it on his face, and I can almost feel the anxiety coming off him, but I know what he's going to say.
"I miscarried, I know. The first night Chuck and I were together, he, well he did what he does, and I felt it happen. I didn't know I was pregnant until that moment. I'm so sorry Charlie, I'm sorry I lost it." A hole opens up in my stomach, and I can feel how empty I am. There's nothing that could ever measure up to the loss of a child. Even one you haven't met yet.
"Please baby, it's not your fault. It's his. He will never get to you again though, he's already been arraigned and put in jail without bail. There won't be any deals this time. He's going away for life." I hope he's right, because I don't know what I would do if he ever got out.
"I'm so tired Charlie." Who knew being in a coma would be so exhausting. He smiles at me, and I can tell it's the first time in a while, that a real smile has graced his beautiful face.
"Get some rest baby, I'll be here when you wake up, always." He kisses my cheek and holds my hand tight. I wish he could get in the bed with me, having him hold me is all I want right now, but it's far to small, so I guess holding his hand will have to be good enough.
"Doctor Kelly, when can I leave. I've been in this hospital for two weeks. I'm fine! Better than fine, I'm great. So can I please go home today?" I look at the tall woman in front of me who has been taking care of me since I woke up. I finally got moved out of the ICU three days after I woke up when my infection cleared up, but still they've kept me here for another week. I am beyond ready to go home. She looks up from my chart and smiles at me.
"Well, your infection is gone, and has stayed away, your labs are all normal, your stitches are ready to come out, and your vitals look good. So lets get the plastic surgeon up here to remove your stitches and then you can go home this afternoon." She smiles at me, and pushes her light brown hair off her face. She is a very nice woman, and the best doctor I've seen, but I will be happy to never see her again.
"Amazing, when will he be here?" I barely get to finish my sentence when the plastic surgeon walks in. He is a tall muscular man, and all the women practically lose their heads when he's around. He is very handsome, ok more than that, he's sexy as hell. He is about 6'3, has sandy blonde hair, that hangs perfectly around his face, in a messy but put together type of way, deep green eyes, a perfect square jaw, and a five o'clock shadow that surrounds his perfectly kissable lips. Yeah, he's very attractive, and I know Charlie hates him. The first time he walked in the room after I woke up to check my stitches, I thought Charlie was going to lose his mind when he saw that I could barely concentrate on what he was saying. So now, whenever he's in the room, Charlie sulks in the corner like a child.
"Well, how's my favorite patient today? Ready to get these stitches out so you can go home?" Doctor Green smiles at me, and my breath catches, but I recover quickly.
"Yes, I've never wanted out of somewhere so badly before." I try not to stare at him, so I turn to smile at Charlie instead. He leans up and kisses my lips, a little longer than appropriate since there are people in the room. So jealous. Doctor Kelly laughs and leaves the three of us alone, so Doctor Green can remove my stitches.
"Well, while I'm happy that you'll be going home, I am sad that I won't get to see your smiling face everyday. How do your stitches feel?" He touches the line of little knots on my cheek and I wince, but don't move away.
"They are tender, but I can tell they're ready to come out. How bad do you think the scarring will be? I really would rather not have a reminder of all of this on my face for the rest of my life." I look at his lips, and admire his white teeth when he smiles at me.
"Well, considering I'm very good at my job, you shouldn't have any significant scarring on your face. Your stomach, chest and legs, however, might be a different story. Those cuts were deeper, and harder to close up, so I'm sorry to say that, those marks may never go away completely. Speaking of those, Charlie would you mind waiting in the hall while I check all her other stitches?" He turns his face to Charlie, and I don't even have to look at him, to feel the hate coming off him.
"No, I'll be staying right here. I've seen every inch of her, many times, already, and I promised never to leave her side again, so no, I will not wait in the hallway." He sounds like an insane person.
"Charlie, I'll be fine. It'll only be a minute, besides someone needs to call my parents, and let them know I'll be coming home today. So please? Can you go out and call them?" I give him my best pouty face, the one I know he can't refuse, and he has a silent war with himself before finally sighing.
"Fine, but I'll be back in five minutes. I love you babydoll." He leans over me, and takes my mouth with his, a little forcefully, and my stitches scream in protest, but I let him do it. Finally he pulls away, and touches the side of my face.
"I love you too." He gives the doctor a look that I know means to watch himself, and then he leaves us alone. I'm so embarrassed by Charlie's jealousy, and I know that Dr. Green has to feel uncomfortable from that dominance display.
"I'm really sorry about him Dr. Green. He's always been the jealous type, but ever since all this happened, it's been 100 times worse." I peek up from under my lashes at the doctor, but instead of being angry he just smiles.
"It's alright, Jocelyn, and please, call me Henry. You won't be my patient anymore after today, so the need for formalities is gone." Butterflies explode in my stomach as he pulls the top of my gown down to look at the wound across my left breast.
"Ok Henry, but still, I apologize that he's been so rude." He runs his ungloved hand across the stitches, and I have to look away. I am imagining this, he's not flirting with me, stop it Jocelyn.
"I would be too, if I were in his position. He almost lost you, and losing a woman like you can be world ending for a man. Can you stand? I'd like to check your stomach and legs now." He takes my hand to help me out of the hospital bed, but my knees feel wobbly from the fire coursing through my veins. Why am I feeling this way? Charlie will be back any minute to take me home, and that's where I'll stay, that's where I belong. Do I though? I was put in this situation because of Charlie. I mean, Chuck getting out early wasn't his fault, but if he hadn't been with that woman, I would have been safe at home instead of out on my own where he was able to get me. Henry sits on a stool and lifts the bottom of my gown so he can look at my lower half. The cuts that are the worst are on my right leg, one on the outside of my thigh, and the worst on the inside. He turns my leg slightly and leans forward, hunched over trying to get down to the right level.
"Maybe I should have gotten a stool for your to stand on. I forgot how small you actually are." He laughs at me, as his fingers graze over the wounds on my legs. He is being perfectly professional, but that isn't stopping the thoughts racing through my brain right now.
"Yeah, I'm reminded about it everyday when Charlie stands next to me." He coughs slightly when I say Charlie's name, and sits back from me a bit. He lifts my gown up a little more and looks at my stomach. After a few minutes he finally speaks.
"Well, all the stitches are ready to come out, except for the ones on your right leg. Those will need to stay in for about another week. I'll make an appointment for you to come to my office to see me, and we can figure out what to do with them then, but lets get the others out now. I'm sure Charlie is ready to have you home." I sit back down on the bed, and he starts removing all the little knots. It only takes ten minutes, and finally my skin feels almost normal again. He rubs some kind of cream onto each of the now mostly healed wounds, and then hands me the bottle. He starts rubbing the cream onto my cheek when he explains what it's for.
"Twice a day, on all of them, or they will scar. I'll have my receptionist call you later today to set up your follow up appointment. Do you have any questions for me?" He rubs his thumb along my cheek, just as Charlie is walking back into the room. I can tell he wants to scream, but thankfully for me, he doesn't.
"No, I don't. Thank you for all your help. I'll see you next week." He nods his head at me, and smiles before walking out of the room. Charlie plops down in the seat next to me with a huff.
"I really don't like that guy." He frowns at me, and I have to laugh.
"Charlie, he's a doctor. I'm his patient. You have nothing to worry about, please stop acting so crazy. Can you help me up so I can get dressed?" I take his hand in mine, and he helps me stand, and put on my sweats and t-shirt the my mother brought me a few days ago.
"You make me crazy, but in a good way. I love you so much, and I almost lost you once, I'm not going to do it again. I'm sorry I was gone so long, the nurses were explaining your home care to me. It's pretty simple, just make sure you take your meds, and drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest. Your parents are going to be coming down tomorrow to make sure you're settled in, and then we will finally get to be alone again." He kisses my forehead, and the nurse walks in with my discharge papers. Finally, I am so ready to go home. But, I don't really know where that is anymore.
Charlie lifts me up into the car, because he refuses to have me doing any strenuous activity, and buckles my seat belt. Our ride home is pretty quiet, just the radio playing softly in the background, but it's comfortable. He never lets go of my hand, and his thumb is rubbing over mine, so I can read his mind pretty clearly. I haven't been cleared for sex yet, but they only said actual intercourse was out of the question, so I think Charlie might have some other things on his mind. I turn to look at him, and the love I feel for him is the same, but something about us is different. When we pull into the driveway, I remember why. The fake blonde is waiting on our porch.
"Damnit." Charlie mumbles, but I can still hear him.
"Why is she here Charlie?" I look at him, and his face is red with anger.
"I don't know, but she won't be much longer. Wait here, please." He gets out of the car and marches up to her, and immediately they start screaming at one another. I roll my eyes, and slowly slide myself out of the SUV. I don't know why my dad thought buying my such a tall car was a good idea. I walk up to them, as straight as I can, but the stitches in my right leg cause me to limp slightly. The woman, looks at me, and there is so much hate in her eyes that it startles me for a moment.
"Why are you at our home? Haven't you caused enough problems?" I was going to be nice to her, but apparently my brain and my mouth aren't communicating properly at the moment. She's taken aback by my bluntness and it takes her a second to compose herself.
"I haven't done anything. I'm just here because Charlie needs to come with me. There are things you don't know, and he has to come deal with it." She crosses her arms over her chest and glares from me to Charlie.
"Gwen, I don't have to deal with anything. You dealt with it, I know that because I was there when it happened. Now please, leave. Jocelyn just got out of the hospital, and I need to get her to bed." Charlie wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. Gwens anger only grows seeing him touch me.
"Does she know about our baby Charlie? Have you told her that yet?" She smiles, a disgusting evil smile, and I feel all the air leave my chest.
"She's pregnant?" My voice is small, and I pull away from Charlie. He grabs onto me pulling me back though, and I'm too shocked to try and fight him.
"No, she's not. She was, but she terminated the pregnancy. When I left you alone that morning a few months ago, it was because I went with Gwen to get the abortion. She says the baby, was mine, but there's no way to prove that. But I could have been the father, and I felt that I had to be there because of that. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you baby. I just never wanted to hurt you." He puts both his hands on my cheeks, and wipes away the tears that have started falling.
"So, as you can see, whatever your name is, Charlie needs to be with me." Gwen's voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and I hate her even more now than I did before.
"You need to leave our home before I call the police. I have been through enough, so don't think I will hesitate to have you arrested for trespassing and harassment. Get the hell out of here, and don't show your disgusting face around here again." I don't know when, but at some point I stepped up to her. She is eight inches taller than me, at least, but she looks scared. She scoffs, and takes a step back, trying to put some distance between us.
"Charlie are you going to let her talk to me like that?" She looks at him like she's expecting him to reprimand me.
"She's right, if you don't leave I'll call the police. You are not welcome here, not now and not ever again." He puts his hands on my shoulders, and I'm thankful that he's backing me up. She starts to say something, but decides against it and storms off. She climbs into her car, and drives off, leaving a cloud of dust behind her. Once she's finally gone, my rage consumes me and I snap.
"I am so done with this." I walk into the house and straight into the bedroom, to grab a duffle bag out of the closet.
"What are you talking about baby? What are you doing"? Charlie tries to grab the bag from my hands, but I rip it away from him.
"I'm done with this Charlie! All of it. I just got out of the hospital, after being kidnapped, raped, and almost murdered, and I come home to the woman you were sleeping with, which caused all of that to happen. If she wouldn't have been here when I got home that day, I wouldn't have run away, and Chuck wouldn't have been able to find me. I would have been safe at home with you, where I should have been, but instead, you were here with someone else. How long had that been going on Charlie? How many times have you slept with her?" Charlie looks ashamed, and he should. I didn't realize I was holding all of this in, but letting it out feels so good.
"I went to see her that day because she wouldn't stop calling. When I got there, she told me she was pregnant, and that it was mine, but she didn't want to keep it. She asked me to go to the appointment with her, and I did. I stayed with her that day, out of a sense of decency and responsibility for what she was going through, but then she kept calling. She said I had no right to leave her alone after what she did for us, and she threatened to tell you about it, so I couldn't just ignore her. That day you came home, was the first day I had sex with her. I swear Jocelyn, it never happened before that. I'm so sorry baby. I know this is all my fault, if I had just been honest with you from the beginning, then we wouldn't be in this situation right now, but I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing. Please, baby, please forgive me." He takes both my hands in his, and I want to forgive him, but I just can't. He ruined us, broke us into tiny pieces and then smashed those pieces some more.
"Charlie, I need some time. What you did was really bad, and I don't know if I can get past it." I step away from him and toss some clothes into my bag while he collapses onto the bed.
"So you're just leaving me, again?" He isn't even trying to hide his tears, and seeing them make my own start to fall.
"Yes." I go to walk out of the room, but he stops me and turns me to look at him.
"No, Jocelyn, you're not leaving. We are meant to be together, please. You know it, we are supposed to get married, and have babies and grow old together. Please you cannot go. You cannot leave me." He gets down on his knees as he begs me to stay, but I just can't.
"You. Broke. Me. Charlie. When I saw you with that woman, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, even worse than Chuck. I thought we were forever too, but apparently not. Nothing has ever hurt as bad as that. I just need some space, some time to figure out how I feel. I'm not saying that this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye for now. Please, give me that." I touch my palm to his cheek, and he leans into it, reveling in the feeling of my touch.
"When will I see you again?" He stands up and I know he is going to give me what I want. A part of me doesn't want to leave, I want to stay and just deal with his discretion here, but I know that's not how to fix this. I need some space, I need to get away from him.
"I don't know, but I promise you will see me again." I lean into him and hug him tight. This doesn't feel like an ending, but I know it is. I'll never be able to trust him again, things will never be the same. I walk out of the house, with my small bag, and throw it in the back of my car. He comes up behind me as I open the door to get in, and he pulls me into his arms.
"Please, don't say anything. I'll call you soon, ok?" He just nods his head at me, and kisses my cheek. I climb into the car, and pull out quickly, before I can change my mind. I refuse to look in the rear view mirror because I know I will turn around, but once the house is out of sight, I break down. My heart feels like it's being pulled through my chest, and I have to stop so I don't wreck. I thought being murdered hurt, I thought that seeing him with Gwen hurt, but this was far more painful. Like both of those rolled into one and then set on fire. I will never be whole again. I calm my sobs, but my tears don't stop and I start driving again. When I pull into the driveway, I wonder if I've made the right decision coming here, but instead of arguing with myself I just get out. I feel a stitch pop as I slide out of the driver seat, but the pain is comforting, oddly, considering it's coming from somewhere other than my soul. I grab my bag and walk up to the door. I knock, quietly, part of me hoping that he won't hear it. He opens the door, and I break down completely. Eric pulls me into his arms, and I let out all the pain I've been feeling.
"It's ok, honey, I'm here." He kisses the top of my head, and I take a breath.
"Can I stay here for awhile?" I sound ridiculous trying to speak through my sobs, and I'm not sure he can even understand me.
"Of course sweetheart, you can stay here as long as you want." He kisses my forehead, but it doesn't feel like it used too. I don't know if anything ever will. My walls are building themselves back up, shutting my heart off to the world. It's probably a good thing, considering that when I let them fall I almost died. Yeah, this is good. It's not the ending I wanted, but it's the one that was meant to be. If it were up to everyone else, I'd be dead or stuck in a relationship where I'm not sure that I'm completely wanted. This might not be where I thought I'd end up, but at least it's an ending that I got to choose.