Finding the Light

No Justice

My alarm starts blaring, and I force myself to roll over and shut it off. I do not want to get up, and I definitely do not want to go to work. I want to stay wrapped up in the blankets with Charlie all day, but I have to go, so I sit up and stretch my arms over my head. He is still snoring beside me, so I take this rare moment of alone time to go and take a good shower. Charlie always interrupts my showers, so I never get to be as thorough as I want to be. I start the water and step in, letting it wash over me. I take a few deep breaths and try to focus on clearing my mind. Today is the day of Chuck's arraignment, and I know that I should go, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to see him, and honestly I don't care what happens to him. If I never saw him again, it would still be to much. He ruined me, I could have been a good woman, someone that a man was happy to have. I could have had children, and been a wife, but I'm to broken for those things, to used and worn in. Charlie has told me that he wanted to marry me, but I don't think he knows what that truly means. If I'm being really honest, Charlie is too good for me, just like Eric is. I love Charlie with my whole heart, but I also have feelings for Eric, and that has to mean that I can't love someone properly. My heart just doesn't work right I guess, and neither of them deserve to suffer because of that. I'm just finishing shaving my legs, when Charlie opens the shower door and steps in. I knew I wouldn't get a full shower in before he came in. I roll my eyes, and start lathering up my loofa. I'm running it along my arms when he leans down and kisses my shoulder, making me shiver. He trails his fingers up and down my skin and I lean back into his chest, my irritation immediately gone.
"Mmm good morning." I tilt my head back and smile at him.
"Good morning baby. Why do you always start without me?" He kisses my forehead and I turn so I can wrap my arms around him.
"Because I would never be actually clean if I waited for you every time." I kiss his chest and his grip on me tightens.
"Maybe I like it when you're dirty." He laughs at his horrible joke and I just roll my eyes at him.
"You are ridiculous." He has become so comfortable having me here, and I love being the only person that gets to see this side of him. The carefree, silly, loving side of Charlie is my favorite, and I never want to be without it. Suddenly his face becomes serious, and I know what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth.
"No Charlie, I don't want to go." I turn back into the water to try and get away from the conversation, but he spins me back around.
"Jocelyn, don't you think you should go and say something? Or at least hear what the judge decides?" His brow is pinched together, and he's searching my face for any doubt about my decision, but he won't find any.
"No Charlie. I'm not going, and neither are you. We are staying away from him. I don't care what the judge says. He's going to jail, and that's all that matters." I shut the water off and step out, grabbing a towel and walking back into the bedroom. I just need some space right now. I dry myself off, and pull on some clothes quickly before going into the kitchen to make coffee. Charlie wanting me to go makes sense, I guess, but I just can't bring myself to do it. There is no reason for me to be there, he is going to get whatever punishment he gets, and then he will be out of my life, so why do I need to know what that punishment is. I turn on the coffee and get some cereal out of the cabinet. Thankfully, Charlie stays in the bedroom, letting me have the space that I need. I've never had someone have so many expectations of me, I'm so used to just dealing with all of my shit myself, but now I have to think about what Charlie may want or need when it comes to the drama my baggage is causing. Not being alone is exhausting, and I don't know how so many people do it all the time. I finish my breakfast, and walk back into the bedroom so I can finish getting ready. Charlie isn't in here, so I just go into the bathroom to dry my hair and put on some concealer to cover my bruise. Once I'm all the way ready, I find Charlie sitting on the bed waiting patiently for me. He looks up at me and smiles.
"Are you ready to leave baby?" He stands up and stretches causing his shirt to ride up, and immediately my mind goes blank. He laughs a little and I shake my head.
"Yeah, I'm ready, but you don't have to take me to work anymore if you don't want too. Chuck isn't a threat anymore, I can just take the bus." Charlie frowns and comes to wrap me in his arms.
"You aren't taking the bus ever again. I know that he's in jail, but I'm still taking you to work. I love dropping you off and picking you up, aside from all the other times during the day I get to see you, it's my favorite part." He grins and kisses my forehead and I just roll my eyes.
"You are so weird, but if you're taking me then lets go, I don't want to be late." I kiss his cheek and we walk outside to the car.
My morning flies by, and before I know it, it's noon and I'm starving. Charlie isn't here yet, which is weird, so I check my phone and I have three missed calls from him. A bad feeling washes over me, and I quickly call him back, but he doesn't answer. Almost instantly after I hang up I get a text from him.
C- I'm not going to be there today for lunch. I'm sorry baby. I'll see you when I pick you up.
I frown at my phone, and his lack of explanation, and just grab my bag to walk to the deli down the street. On my way back to the office, I hear my name being called, and when I finally find the source Timmy is rushing across the street to me.
"Hey Tim, how are you?" I haven't seen him in what feels like forever, and I've never seen him downtown before so I have no idea where he came from.
"I'm great, how are you? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you or see you since the whole Jake fiasco. Are you doing ok?" He puts a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze, and before letting go, rubs his fingers down the back of my arm. Weird, but maybe he is just being friendly.
"Yeah, that wasn't a good day, but I'm great actually. I moved in with Charlie, and I actually fixed everything with Jake, and mostly fixed things with Cayla and Kat." As I finish speaking he takes a step toward me, and my breath hitches. I feel suddenly uncomfortable, and side step a little bit.
"I'm glad to hear that things are back to normal." He runs his hand through his hair, and I relax a little.
"Yeah me too. So how are things with Cayla? I haven't gotten to talk to her in a few days." I smile at him, but when I say Cayla's name his face falls, and my skin starts to crawl.
"We aren't doing very well actually. We were, but things have just gotten weird, and I don't know what I'm going to do." He frowns, and looks almost like he's going to cry. They were so happy just a couple weeks ago, I have no idea what could have happened.
"What do you mean things have gotten weird? What's going on?" Cayla is completely in love with him, so them not being happy is such a foreign concept, but then again I haven't talked to her since Thursday so I guess I wouldn't know what was going on.
"Well, she wants a future, like marriage and kids and everything, but I don't know if I'm ready for all of that. I care about her, she's great, but settling down is a huge deal. I guess I'm just having reservations about it, and what if down the road one of us changes our minds. I don't want to hurt her." He runs his hands through his hair again, clearly feeling better and more frustrated at the same time saying all of this out loud. I had no idea that he was having these doubts, but I can't blame him, settling down is terrifying and I have the same doubts about my life.
"Have you talked to her about this? Told her everything you just told me?" I want to help him, but I'm also kind of uncomfortable. Timmy has pursued me before, and even though nothing happened, I still don't have a good track record with my friends boyfriends, so I don't want him to get the wrong idea from our lengthy conversation. He sighs and shakes his head.
"No, and I don't know how to say it to her. She is all in, all the way with us, and if I told her I was having doubts it would crush her."
"No Tim, it would crush her if you went through with a marriage, and then left her or resented her later on for it. Telling her now gives her the chance to move on, and find someone who doesn't have any doubts. You would be doing the best thing for both of you if you were just honest with her." He looks down at his feet, and I know he knows I'm right. I check my watch, and my lunch is almost over, so I hope he doesn't plan on dragging this out for much longer.
"You're right, I need to tell her. It's just really going to suck when she never talks to me again." He looks at me, and I hope he's serious about telling her, and I hope he does it soon.
"I'm sure she will talk to you again, she is nuts about you. Listen, I have to get back to work, but call me if you ever need anything." I give him a quick hug, and his hand lands dangerously low on my back, but I shrug him off and ignore it. I walk back to my office quickly, and shut the door behind me. I cannot take anymore stress in my life. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, and I have nowhere to go to deal with it. Honestly, I don't even know how I'm going to deal with it at all. Suddenly a light bulb goes off in my head and I search on my computer for the yoga class schedule for the week. I haven't been to a class since I met Charlie, and this is exactly what I need to clear my head and put everything back into perspective. Thankfully there is a class this evening. I send Charlie a text telling him of my afternoon plans, but he doesn't text back. I wonder what he's doing that's keeping him so busy. Even when he's seeing clients or checking on construction he always has time to text me back. I try to shake the bad feeling I have, and eat my lunch before diving into the two new manuscripts I've been given for the day.
I'm lost in a story about a little girl living on a farm when someone knocks on my door.
"Come in." I set the book down when a man comes in carrying a large bouquet of lilies.
"Are you Jocelyn?" He reads my name off a card and then looks at me expectantly.
"Yes." I stand up and walk over to him and he hands me the flowers.
"These are for you. Have a nice day." He leaves just as quickly as he came, and I'm left to search through the bouquet for the card on my own. My heart swells knowing they have to be from Charlie. He is so sweet, but we already have so many flowers at home from our date yesterday so I'm not sure how many more I can take care of. Finally I find the card and pull it out to read the message.
To remind you of me until we are together again.
I roll my eyes at Charlie's weird love note and breathe in the scent of the flowers. They really are beautiful and I'm happy to have them on my desk. I sit back down and check the time and it's 3:30. I just have to make it a little while longer and then I'm finally free.
"Hey babydoll, are you ready to go?" Charlie's voice makes me a jump a little. I didn't even hear him open the door, but when I look up at him he's grinning at me.
"Yes I'm ready to go, just let me pack up my stuff. Oh and thank you for the flowers." I grin at him as I put my laptop in my bag and grab my coffee cup. He frowns and looks at the vase sitting on my desk.
"I didn't send those Jocelyn." He looks angry, but I'm just more confused.
"Well if you didn't send them, then who did?" I grab the card again and reread the note, but there's no clues. I hand it to Charlie and when he finishes reading his face gets red.
"You know who sent them. Why can't he leave you alone? What does he want with you?" Charlie crumples the note and tosses it into my garbage can and collapses in the chair with a huff.
"What do you mean? Who are you talking about?" He's so mad but I still don't really know who would have sent them. He rolls his eyes and gives me an exasperated look.
"They're obviously from Eric, Jocelyn. Who else would send you flowers? Have you still been talking to him?" He crosses his arms over his chest and looks at me like I'm a child in trouble. I have talked to Eric, but there's no way I'm going to tell him that now.
"No Charlie, I haven't talked to him, and besides how would he know to send me lilies? It's not the most common flower to send someone, most people would send roses so I'm sure they're not from Eric. Someone probably sent them as a joke or maybe the wrong Jocelyn got them." I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to fight and desperately wanting to be done with this conversation. His brow pinches together and he glares at me, but after a moment he takes a deep breath and sighs at me.
"Maybe you're right, but if anything like this happens again, or he tries to talk to you again, please promise me you'll tell me." He stands up and puts his palm on the side of my face and I lean into him.
"Of course Charlie, I promise." I internally roll my eyes at him. He is so protective, but he does have reason to dislike Eric I guess. He seems satisfied with my answer and kisses my forehead before taking my bag and leading me out of my office. As we wait for the elevator I remember that he never answered my question about going to yoga today.
"Charlie, I'm going to go to a yoga class tonight. It starts at 6:00. Can I borrow the car?" He looks down at me, and I see worry all over his face.
"No, I'll take you. How long does the class last?" He raises an eyebrow at me, waiting for a response. I really wanted to go alone, but clearly he isn't letting me out of his sight anymore. I can't help it and I roll my eyes at him.
"They usually last an hour." He brings my knuckles to his lips and kisses them, causing a fire to start in my belly. I look down at my feet trying to put my mind back where it should be.
"Ok, we'll go home and you can change and I'll take you. When you're done we can grab something to eat." The elevator doors open and we walk in with everyone else and ride down in silence. Something about Charlie's mood is off, now that he's seen the flowers, and I hope it doesn't ruin our night. I'm already stressed enough, I don't need Charlie freaking out about every man that looks at me on top of everything else. Our ride home is quiet, he seems to be lost in his own thoughts so neither of us say much. When we get home, he goes into his office and shuts the door, so I go to change into my yoga clothes. I really wish he wasn't so upset, but there's not much I can do about it now. I did leave with Eric and I almost slept with him, so Charlie has reason to be mad. At the same time, though, he doesn't because he was with another woman the same day. I sit down on the bed and start going through emails on my phone. I finish reading the last one when a text from Timmy comes through.
T- thanks for talking to me today, it really helped a lot.
It was nice to see Tim, I really do think he's a sweet guy, but I hope he tells Cayla about his doubts soon. I don't want to see her get hurt.
J- No problem, it was really nice to see you, and I'm glad I could help.
I shove my phone into my pocket and go to find Charlie. I walk up to the office door, but before I open it, I hear him almost yelling at someone. I know I shouldn't, but my curiosity gets the better of me and I press my ear against the door to listen.
"I don't care, you can't keep calling me like this. What if she were to see it, or worse, what if she answered the phone?" My heart starts pounding as he listens to whoever is now speaking. I can't hear anything though, and the silence is killing me.
"Listen to me, she is what's important to me now, and I'm not going to lose her. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you need to get over it." There's more silence and then he sighs.
"I have to go right now, but I'll call you tomorrow, I promise." I hear him set his phone down and I run back to the bedroom. I lock myself in the bathroom and try to catch my breath. None of that was meant for me to hear, but that doesn't change the fact that I did and now my heart is threatening to rip in two. Is he seeing someone else? I thought we were done with that? I slide down onto the floor in front of the door and pull my knees to my chest. I can feel myself starting to cry, but I push it down. I don't want him to know that I've heard anything, I need more information, more proof before I accuse him of something like that. He loves me, he wouldn't do this. I take a few more deep breaths and finally I feel calm enough to go and face him. I open the bathroom door as he walks into the bedroom.
"Hey baby, are you ready to go?" He smiles at me and everything seems completely normal. He doesn't look angry anymore, and I start to feel like maybe I'm just being paranoid.
"Yeah I'm ready. Are you sure you want to take me? You really don't have too." He walks across the room and scoops me up from the floor, nuzzling his face into my neck.
"Of course I want to take you. Spending time with you is my favorite thing, even if it's just driving you to work or yoga class. I love you." He kisses my cheek and the rest of my doubt fizzles away.
"I love you too." I squeeze his neck one more time and then he sets me down so we can head uptown.
I walk out of class and feel like a new woman. A whole hour to myself, with no one who needs my attention and no one trying to beat me up is just what I needed. I can tell I'm going to be sore tomorrow though. My muscles haven't been worked out like that in a few weeks so they are screaming at me now. Charlie isn't standing out here so I walk down the block until I see his car. He's on the phone again, and as soon as he sees me he hangs up. My chest starts to hurt when I realize that he's hiding whatever this is from me. He gets out of the car and walks around to open my door for me.
"How was class baby?" He leans over and kisses my temple before I get in.
"It was fine. Who were you talking too?" When I look at him, his face get a little red but he quickly recovers.
"My mom, she wants us to come visit her soon." He doesn't look at me, but just walks back to his side of the car to get in. I don't believe him at all, but I decide not to push the issue right now because I really don't want to fight.
"Oh ok." I don't know what else to say to him. He's been so strange today, but maybe it's just because of the arraignment. I know that he wanted to go, but I couldn't have been far enough away from it. We don't need that darkness hanging over us, we need to be able to enjoy one another for once. Charlie's phone rings and I see him flinch slightly before looking at the screen. Once he sees who it is, he visibly relaxes and puts the phone to his ear.
"What's up Derrick?" I tune out the conversation and pull my phone out to check some emails. There's one from Eric, but now is not the time to be reading that, so I quickly skip over it.
"Why can't you just tell me now?" Charlie sounds angry all of a sudden, but I can't hear what Derrick is saying so I don't know why. I turn toward him and his face is bright red.
"We will be home in ten minutes." He hangs up and sighs, and I can almost see the stress radiating off him.
"Charlie what's wrong? Is Derrick ok?" My skin starts to almost burn with how nervous he is making me right now.
"He says he's fine, but that we have to get home as soon as possible. I don't know what he wants." I reach my hand over and lace my fingers into his.
"Whatever it is I'm sure it's going to be ok. Please don't be upset." I kiss his knuckles just like he always does to me and he smiles.
"I'm not upset babydoll, I just don't want anything else bad happening to you, and Derrick's tone was making me nervous." The last few minutes of our trip are silent, neither of us wanting to talk about the "what if's" of what we might be walking into. When we finally pull up to the house Derrick is sitting on the porch swing. He stands up as Charlie parks the car, and I can tell this isn't going to be a fun conversation.
"Hi Derrick." I try to sound happy as I walk up and hug him, but my heart just isn't in it. He squeezes me and then looks down at my face. He seems so sad right now, and my skin starts to crawl.
"Hey munchkin. Charlie we need to talk, can we go inside." I want to laugh at the new nickname Derrick has given me, but now is not the time. I look from Derrick to Charlie, and his face is completely passive. We all walk inside and I sit at the island while Derrick and Charlie stand on the other side. There's a tense silence settling between us, and I can't take it anymore.
"Derrick, for goodness sake, please tell us what's wrong." The boys both look at me, surprised by my outburst, but I just have to know.
"Did you go to the arraignment today? Either of you?" I see all the blood drain out of Charlie's face at Derrick's words.
"No, Jocelyn didn't want us going. Why, what do you know?" Charlie's voice is almost hollow and it makes me dizzy. Derrick sighs and crosses his arms over his chest. His brow is pinched so tight that I think he may have a permanent wrinkle between his eyes now.
"Chuck took a deal. They couldn't get any of the things he's done to you in the past to stick because you never filed a report so there was no proof. He violated the order of protection and he was charged with assault, but those are first offenses. His lawyer was able to get him a better sentence if he plead guilty to those charges." My head starts to spin hearing what Derrick is saying.
"What does that mean? What was the deal?" Charlie is trying not to shout, but his voice is still booming through the room, and I can't find my words to tell him to calm down. Derrick looks to me and I swear there are tears in his eyes.
"Jocelyn I'm so sorry, I thought they would put him away, but I was wrong. He plead guilty, and got 60 days in jail, and six months probation." Derrick keeps talking, but I can't hear anything anymore. Chuck isn't gone, he's just away, waiting for his chance to pounce on me. The room starts spinning and I grip the counter to try and hold myself up. How could I be so stupid? I'll never be free from this, he will always come back, he will never stop, not until we are together again. Then the realization hits me.
"Baby, are you ok?" I turn in my seat to see Charlie standing beside me. He touches the side of my face and my tears start falling. I'm going to pass out, I'm so dizzy, and my body can't handle this news right now, but I have to tell him. My head is swimming in a thick fog, but I stand up and barely get the words out.
"Chuck sent the flowers." The last thing I feel before the darkness consumes me, is Charlie wrapping his around me, trying to hold together all my broken pieces.