Finding the Light

Face to Face

Charlie has been acting so weird since the incident in my office Tuesday, and he's barely touched me. It's only been two days, but that is a long time for us considering that we have trouble keeping our hands off one another. He's in the kitchen making breakfast, so I decide to take a quick shower. I turn some music on and turn the hot water all the way up. I need to relax the tension out of my shoulders. Jake is still texting me non stop, and I want to go see him and ask him why he did this to me, but Charlie isn't letting me have any alone time. I would just text him, but this isn't the type of conversation I want to have over the phone. I shake my head, letting the water fall off of me, and forget about Jake for a minute. This is supposed to be my relaxing alone time, which I never get anymore, and I won't waste it thinking about him. I start lathering the shampoo into my hair, and sing along to the music playing. I get totally lost in the song, and start dancing a little while I rinse my hair out. Once all the water is off my face I open my eyes and scream bloody murder. Charlie is standing in the door of the shower watching me, and he has a giant goofy grin on his face. He starts laughing even harder when I scream, clearly amused that he's scared me.
"What the hell Charlie! I'm pretty sure I actually just died." I shut the shower off and grab a towel from the rack, wrapping it around myself. He hands me another to wrap into my hair as he just continues to laugh.
"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to scare you. I heard you singing, and I came in here to listen, but then I saw you dancing and I just couldn't help myself. You seem to be in a good mood today." He smiles at me, and takes the towel out of my wet hair to run the brush through it.
"I am in a good mood. Or I was until you gave me a heart attack. Why are you in here?" He stops brushing for a second, and I think I've hurt his feelings. He looks at me through the mirror and sighs, but then starts going through my hair again.
"I told you, I heard you singing, and I came in here to listen. I've never heard you sing before, and I was just curious. I'm glad you're in a better mood baby." I'm a little confused and I turn around to look at him.
"What do you mean a better mood? I haven't been angry Charlie?" His face falls, and I put my hand in his.
"Well, things have just been weird since Tuesday. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt you again, and I know we haven't had much physical contact, and I could tell you were getting irritated with me because of it. I just don't want to mess up again." He looks down at me, and my heart starts to hurt. I touch my hand to the side of his face, and he leans into me closing his eyes.
"Charlie, listen to me. Tuesday never happened as far as I'm concerned. The fact that you're so worried about hurting me, shows me that you will never do it again, but you can't let it stop us from touching one another. We thrive off of the physical attention we give to each other, and I'm afraid our relationship will start to suffer without it. I love you Charlie, and I want to be able to show you how much." He kisses my forehead and I can see that I've finally gotten through to him.
"You really do forgive me? Because I've missed being close to you. I can't stand not touching you." I smile up at him and peek at my phone. It's only 6:30 and I don't have to leave for work for another hour.
"Well, why don't you show me how much you've missed being close to me?" I wink at him and he scoops me up from the floor dropping my towel to the ground. I wrap my legs around his waist and press my lips to his. He walks us out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He drops me on the bed and I giggle while push myself into the middle and watch him as he undresses in front of me. He is taking his time, and it's killing me, because I haven't touched him in what feels like years, and I need him to be next to me. Finally his pants hit the floor and he climbs on top of me, pushing his face into my neck and kissing me gently. I let out a soft cry, and wrap my hands into his hair. I push my knees back and feel him rubbing himself against my wet center. He's teasing me, and I don't know how much more of it I can take. He moves his kisses down to my chest and takes my nipple into his mouth. I rake my nails across his back, and he bites down, causing me to cry out. He stops immediately and looks into my eyes.
"What's wrong baby, did I hurt you again?" He is breathing hard and he looks terrified, but I'm irritated that he stopped.
"No you didn't hurt me. That was a cry of pleasure not of pain." He scrunches his face up and doesn't look like he believes me.
"You like when I bite you that way? Because I didn't mean too, it just hurt when you scratched me, and I did it involuntarily." I roll my eyes, and sit up on my elbows. This conversation is going to be awkward, and it's taking up all our fun time, but I guess we need to have it.
"Yes Charlie, I like when you bite me like that. I also like when you pinch my nipples and tug on them. It does hurt, but it feels good more than it hurts. I've never let anyone do those things to me before, but I feel so safe with you, that I let you kind of just do whatever, and I've come to find out that I enjoy a little pain. Not anything crazy, but some biting, and pulling, who knows maybe even a little spanking." I shrug my shoulders and his face is a little red but then he smiles at me and lets out a small laugh.
"I never want to cause you any real pain baby, but I enjoy doing those things too. If you really do like it, then I won't stop, but if something ever does hurt, or you decide you don't like it just tell me. With as much as we have sex, some weird stuff is bound to happen, but there's also a lot of things we can experiment with. As long as you promise to always be honest with me about what you're enjoying or not, I promise to do the same." I smile at him, and my embarrassment from the conversation fades away. I never want to feel awkward talking to Charlie about sex. We're both exposed and completely vulnerable in the same ways during it, and there's no reason we shouldn't be able to talk about it freely.
"I love you Charlie. Now, can we please finish what we started, you have to take me to work soon." He grins at me, and climbs back over me, taking my mouth with his, and showing me just how much he's missed me over the last two days.
I sit in the passenger seat, and put my seatbelt on while Charlie locks the front door. He climbs in next to me and leans over to kiss my temple before he starts the car.
"Making up with you is fun, maybe we should fight more often." He grins next to me and I just laugh at him.
"You are so weird, but I agree that was fun." I take his hand in mine, and hold it close to me. He pulls out and heads into town to drop me off.
"Charlie are you sure you don't mind taking me to and from work everyday. I've been thinking about getting a car, and then you wouldn't have to do it anymore." It's not like it's just a five minute drive, it takes nearly 30 minutes to get to the office, and he makes that trip three times a day. It has to get annoying to him.
"No baby, I don't mind at all. If you want a car, that's fine, but I don't want you going anywhere on your own until Chuck is found. That guy is a whole bag of crazy and I don't want him to have a chance to get to you. You will never be a burden on me, and if I have to do this until the end of my days, then I will do it." He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. I really hope this doesn't last forever, but I do appreciate him doing it for me.
"Ok Charlie." He looks over, and smiles at me, and I turn on the radio. My phone vibrates and I look at the screen. It's another text from Jake and I roll my eyes.
Jake: Jocelyn, please talk to me. You haven't responded to a single one of my messages. I'm going crazy. Please come see me today. I need to talk to you, and explain everything. Please.
I can see Charlie shake his head next to me. I haven't been hiding the messages from him, he's read all of them, but I haven't responded so I think that's the only thing keeping him from going off.
"Is that from Jake again?" I sigh and nod my head.
"Yes. He's asking me to come see him. He wants to explain everything." Charlie's whole mood changes and I wish I hadn't opened the message.
"You aren't going to see him. I don't know why you haven't just blocked his number. You haven't responded to him, so I don't understand how he can't see that you've moved on." Charlie forbidding me to see Jake is a little irritating, but I understand his point. Part of me really does want to go though. I spent almost three years with Jake, that's a long time to be with someone and then just drop off their radar. I also do want an explanation for what he did. He ruined my life, and I think I deserve some answers.
"Baby? You agree with me right? You won't go see him?" I was so lost in my own thoughts I forgot to answer him.
"Yes, I mean no I won't go see him. I do wish I knew why he did what he did though. He ruined my life Charlie, the least I can do is let him explain?" He looks at me like I've lost my mind.
"No Jocelyn, he is trouble. He ruined your friendships and it forced you to move, granted I got you out of all of this, but that doesn't excuse what he did. Promise me, that you won't go see him." I fight with myself for a moment, but then I nod my head.
"Ok, I promise I won't go see him." I delete the message from my phone and sit back to listen to the soft music playing and watch the city come into view. I don't want to upset Charlie, or make him doubt my love for him, but I do want to know if there's anything I can do to repair my old life.
I look at the clock on my computer, 11:30. I still have a half hour before Charlie will be here with lunch, and I can't wait. I miss him so much when he drops me off, and it always feels like years instead of hours until I get to see him again. Jake has sent me three more messages, and I want to respond so badly, but I just don't know what to say. What he did is completely unforgivable, and he knows that, but he isn't giving up. I don't know where I went wrong, I never tried to lead him on, and I know I never told him I wanted more. I think back to our first time together. He was so shy, and also very nervous. I was worried I had made a mistake in seducing him, because he felt so guilty that I was sure he would tell Kathryn about it, but he didn't. He kept coming back for more, and I kept giving it to him, and that's how it went. We never went out together, I never gave him any attention when others were around. We were a secret, and I thought he understood that, but I guess I was wrong. My office phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. I answer it, and my mood suddenly shifts.
"Hi baby, how's your day going?" Charlie's voice is music to my ears, and I feel instantly better.
"It's going ok. I don't have much going on today, so it's dragging, but I'm excited to see you. Are you on your way?" He sighs, and my skin starts to crawl.
"No, baby I'm sorry, but I will be late for lunch today. I'm on site right now, and there's a problem so I won't be able to be there until about 12:45. Can you move your lunch break? Or are we just going to have a short lunch today?"
"I can't move my lunch hour, so a short lunch will be fine I guess, as long as I get to see you." I can't help it, and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm irritated that he will be so late. I can tell he is too by the sound of his voice.
"I'm sorry baby, I wasn't supposed to be here more than 20 minutes, but the idiot contractor put three walls in the wrong place some how, and now I have to redesign an entire floor. I promise I will be as quick as possible. I'll text you when I'm on my way. I love you."
"I love you too." I hang up the phone and my heart breaks a little. I was really looking forward to seeing Charlie, and now my day will just be that much worse. My phone dings, and I get excited thinking Charlie is texting me about being on his way, but it's Jake again. I roll my eyes, but then a thought pops into my head.
It's 12:10 when I knock on the door. I practically ran the seven blocks here, but I wanted to give myself enough time to get answers. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up, but before I can look around, Jake opens the door and pulls me into the apartment.
"Jocelyn, thank god, where have you been? I've been so worried about you." He wraps me in his arms and nuzzles his face into my hair. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, so I just sort of pat his back awkwardly.
"Hi Jake." It's all I can say, and I wiggle out of his embrace and shut the front door. He rubs the back of his neck and just looks at me. I feel so strange being here, and I'm starting to regret coming.
"I'm so glad you came today. I've been trying to get ahold of you for days. Are you ok? Where have you been staying? Kat told me you moved out." What?
"You talked to Kat? How is she? Is she ok?" I hadn't expected him to hear from her so soon, but I'm not surprised he did before me.
"Well kind of, she called me Monday to tell me she was going out of town next week, and she wanted me to drop all her stuff off while she was gone. So it wasn't much of a conversation. Are you going to answer my question? Where have you been?" I walk further into the apartment to get away from the front door and sit on the couch.
"Well I've been with Charlie. I moved in with him on Monday." He practically falls onto the opposite side of the couch when I tell him.
"You moved in with him? Why would you do that Jocelyn, you should be here with me. You barely know him." I'm starting to get irritated with him.
"No I shouldn't be here with you Jake, you ruined my life. I belong with Charlie, I love him." He looks like I punched him.
"You love him?" A tear slide down his face, and I feel slightly guilty. Jake has real feelings for me, but I was never going to be able to reciprocate them.
"Yes, I love him. He is my home now, and I'm sorry, but this is the last time you'll see me. I just came here to get some answers. I think I deserve at least that." He wipes the tears from his face, and looks at me. I feel my own tears sting the back of my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of him. I just look at him, and wait for him to answer me.
"You're right, you do deserve an explanation. I'm so sorry about Friday, I never meant for that to happen. I was so just angry that you were with him. I could hear the two of you, and my imagination ran wild thinking of what he was doing to you. It just made me sick. I was hoping maybe you'd just leave, and I wouldn't have to see you, but then he came in and wrapped his arms around you, and I just lost it. I love you Jocelyn, more than I could even express, and seeing him touch you, after listening to you in that room, I couldn't take it. I don't really have an excuse, my jealousy just took over, and I messed everything up." I just sigh, this is the exact thing he told me Friday after he exposed our affair, and it's not good enough.
"Jake, that's just not a good enough reason. What you did is unforgivable." Suddenly he is on his knees in front of me, taking my hands. He is shaking, and I can see that he is starting to sweat.
"Maybe this will help, I meant to do this in a few weeks, but I guess now will have to do, maybe this will put everything into perspective for you." He pulls a small box out of his pocket and holds it up in front of me. When he opens it, there is a white gold ring inside, with a single diamond in the center.
"Jake, what is this?" This cannot be what I think it is, and I push myself back into the couch trying to create some distance between us.
"Jocelyn, I love you. I know that you are the one for me, and I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?" I can't breathe. I came to see him for an explanation as to why he ruined my life, and he's on his knees asking me to marry him. I want to get away, but he has me trapped.
"Are you serious? Jake you ruined my life! I just told you I was with Charlie, and that I love him. I can't marry you." His breath catches, and I can see the pain on his face. He stands up from the floor and walks to the other side of the room.
"I'm sorry I ruined your life. I hoped one day you would be able to see past this, and realize that you love me too, but I guess that isn't going to happen. I think you should leave." He has his arms crossed over his chest, and he won't even look me in the eye.
"Jake, I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to cause you any pain. I wish you would have told me before that you felt this way, I would have left you alone, and you'd be proposing to Kat right now instead of me. I'm sorry. I keep saying you ruined my life, but it seems that I may have ruined yours." I stand up and my first instinct is to hug him, but I stop myself and instead I just grab my bag and walk to the front door. I look back to him one more time before I leave, but he is looking out the window. I sigh and walk out the door and head for the elevator. I pull my phone out and I have a text and a missed call from Charlie. I open the text and it says he is on his way to see me. I call him, and he picks up on the second ring.
"Hi baby, are you ready for lunch? I'll be there in about ten minutes." Crap, I'll have to actually run to get back to the office in time.
"I am more than ready for lunch, I cannot wait to see you." The elevator doors open and I step out to start my walk back to the office. Before I can make it out the doors someone steps in front of them, blocking my path. I look up and freeze. Charlie is still talking but I can't make out what he is saying. He's here. Standing in front of me. His dirty blonde hair is tussled and messy around his face, and he's smiling at me.
"You really shouldn't be out by yourself Jocelyn. Where is your babysitter anyway?" I can't breathe. I take a small step back and then Charlie starts talking through the phone again.
"Baby, are you ok?" I'm not ok, and I need to let him know. I don't know what to say, but then a single word escapes my lips.
"Chuck."