Finding the Light

A First Date

I roll over in bed, and reach for Charlie, but I can't feel anything. I'm not ready to open my eyes yet, so I just continue patting around, trying to find him. After a full minute of searching, I groan and sit up. I'm in bed alone, and his side is cold, so I think he's been gone awhile. Grizzly is still snoring at the foot of the bed, and I realize that we've both been deserted. When I stand to stretch he sits up lazily and yawns. I walk into the bathroom to brush my hair, and look at my face. I roll my neck around in circles, trying to stretch it out. I'm still sore, and the side of my face is deep purple. The bruise looks almost angry, and it wraps around the side of my eye and all over my temple, but the swelling finally went down some. There's also the faint outline of fingers on either side of my neck. I won't be winning any beauty pageants anytime soon, but hopefully by Monday the bruising will be light enough to cover with makeup. I apply some cream to my face, wincing as I rub it in, and tie my hair up in a messy bun. I open the bedroom door and let Grizzly out back. I still have no idea where Charlie is, so I start searching through the house. I'm kind of upset with him that he left me in bed alone. It's Saturday, and we finally have a day off with no people around, and I was hoping we could do something fun together. When I make it to the kitchen, there's a cup of coffee waiting on the counter, and a note beside it. I pick up the note, and sigh.
Good morning baby,
I had a few things to take care of this morning, but I'll be back soon, hopefully before you wake up. If I'm not, please don't worry. This shouldn't take long, and then I promise, we will spend all day together. 
I love you,
Charlie
I pick up the coffee and head out to sit on the front porch. It's already warm, and the sun feels so good on my skin. I sit down on the porch swing and try to relax. Seeing Chuck was a shock, but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't a happy reunion by any means, but I expected a lot worse than I got. He'd seen me with Charlie, and I knew that enraged him, so I think I got off easy. I put my feet up and let the breeze rock me slightly. I take a few calming breaths and think about my life. How did I even get here? In two weeks my entire world has changed. I have a new place to live, a new sense of freedom because Chuck is behind bars, and apparently a boyfriend. All of this feels so surreal, but it's my new reality. Chuck being gone is something I never thought I would get to experience, but now I do. I don't even know what to think, what do people do when they don't have to worry about a crazed ex searching the world for them? A shiver runs down my spine, and goosebumps rise on my skin. I think it's going to take me a long time to feel like a normal person. Everyone may think this is over, but I don't know. There's still a small part of me that thinks he will be back, and that I won't be so lucky next time. I sit in the morning sun, enjoying the quiet and finish my coffee. I've been out here nearly an hour, and Charlie still hasn't come back so I go to find my phone to call him. I sit on the side of the bed, and listen to his phone ring. There's no answer, so I try again, maybe he just didn't hear it the first time. Right before I'm about to give up, he answers.
"Hello?" His voice sounds strange, and my skin instantly starts to crawl.
"Hi." I feel so awkward right now. He's normally much more excited to hear from me, but his tone is making me suddenly shy. I take a shaky breath and try to speak again.
"Where are you Charlie? I woke up, and you were gone. Will you be home soon?" I hear someone else in the background, but I can't tell who it is or what they're saying. I hear him sigh, and I get a bad feeling.
"I just had to run into town for a bit. I'm finishing up now though and then I'll be home. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up." I wrap my free hand around my middle. Something is wrong, I can feel it.
"It's ok. Is everything alright? You seem irritated?" I don't want to start an argument, but I also don't want to worry myself to death about whether or not I've done something wrong.
"No I'm fine. Jocelyn, I have to go. I'll see you in a bit." He hangs up the phone, and I suddenly can't breathe. I wrap both hands around myself, trying to stop the pain that is now radiating from my chest. Something is different, he never hangs up without telling me he loves me, and he's never been so cold. The pain overtakes me, and I start to cry. I cover myself with the blankets, and bury my face in my pillow. Grizzly jumps in the bed beside me and snuggles into my embrace, giving me at least some comfort. I don't know why I'm surprised, I should have seen this coming. Chuck was always right, no one could actually love someone like me. I'm broken, and used, and worthless. I should have known Charlie would get tired of me eventually. My tears come faster now, and my breathing becomes erratic. There's no one around to hear, so I just let my pain out. It's liberating, actually, to be able to feel this so completely and not have to worry about hiding it. Almost as though the weight of my own self burden is being lifted off me. After what feels like years, my tears have finally run out, and my breathing slows down. I pull the blankets up all the way to my chin, and let the darkness of sleep take me, hoping that it will bring me some sort of peace from this hurt.
Grizzly makes some sort of rumbling noise, causing me to sit straight up in bed. I'm sweating, and my chest hurts from crying, and that pain is only exacerbated by my hyperventilating. I look down at him, and he's still asleep. He's moving his legs like crazy and his eyes are pinched shut. He's having some sort of dream, and he must have growled in his sleep. I rub the side of his face, and his muscles relax and he yawns looking up at me. He licks my palm and then jumps off the bed, ready to go back outside. I check my phone, it's 3:00. I've been asleep for six hours, and I'm still alone. I get dressed quickly, and then look in the bathroom mirror. The swelling around my eye is back, and even worse now from the crying. I sigh, and pull my hair back out of my face, and walk into the kitchen. I'm starving, and it's clear to me now that Charlie won't be home anytime soon, so I search through the fridge for something to eat. He does't have much, so I just grab the things I need to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I take my lunch, and walk to the backyard, where Grizzly is digging a hole at the back fence. Charlie hasn't called or even sent a simple text letting me know where he is, or when he will be home. I'm completely alone. The realization sends a shiver down my spine, and my tears threaten to come back. I force them down, and eat my lunch. I will not let this get to me. I'm used to being alone, and I'm fine with not being good enough. I never have been, Chuck made that clear to me on more than one occasion. It may take me a few days, but I'll find a new place to live, and start over again. Charlie obviously doesn't want me around anymore, and I won't force him to keep me. I leave Grizzly to his digging, and walk back to the bedroom to start packing my things. I can't take everything with me right away because I'll be in a hotel for a few days while I try to find a permanent place, so I just pack a suitcase with enough things to get me through the work week. My phone rings as I'm about to walk into the bathroom to get my toiletries, and my heart stops. I pull it off the bed, but it's not Charlie. I take a deep breath and answer.
"Hello?"
"Hey honey, how are you?" I smile a little at Eric's new pet name for me, and I start to feel a little better.
"I'm ok Eric, how are you today? Are you ok, do you need something?" I hear him laugh before he answers.
"Why do you always think that I need something when I call you? I'm fine, I just wanted to check in with you. Things got a little crazy the other day, and I wanted to make sure you were ok." Things did get crazy, and I can't help but giggle.
"Things always seem to get crazy when we're together, have you not noticed?"
"Yeah, sorry about that. Maybe it's me who isn't good for you, instead of the other way around like you thought." My heart starts to hurt hearing that Eric thinks he's the bad one.
"Eric, you couldn't be bad for anything, even if you tried. You are truly the sweetest person I know." I forget about packing for a moment, and sit down on the edge of the bed.
"That's kind of you to say. Am I keeping you from anything? I don't want to get you in trouble again." I just roll my eyes.
"No, I actually don't even know where Charlie is, so I don't have anything to do. I've been alone all day." My breath catches as I say it out loud. I really thought I was safe here, and going to be taken care of, but he left me.
"Well you don't have to be alone Jocelyn." I tilt my head to the side, and my face scrunches up.
"What do you mean? I have nowhere else to go. I don't even have a way to get there if I did." He's quiet for a second, and I think he may have hung up.
"Where are you?"
"I'm at home, why?" Where is he going with this?
"I mean the address honey. I'm going to come get you. I promise I'll have you home at a reasonable time, but after everything you told me that happened I can't stand the thought of you being alone. I think you need to get out and breathe a little." I think about this for a moment. It's not a good idea, but I really want to go. I shouldn't have to stay cooped up in the house alone all day while Charlie is out doing god only knows what. I bite my bottom lip, and fight with myself for another second.
"Ok, but I can't be gone long." I can hear him smiling through the phone and I can't help but smile too.
"Not a problem. Just tell me where you are." I give him the address and hang up to go take a quick shower. This is probably going to end badly, but I do need to get away. I need to feel normal again, because right now nothing feels normal. Doubt starts to creep into my mind though, making me suddenly nauseous. I really shouldn't be going anywhere, especially not with Eric. I know how Charlie feels about him, and this is only going to antagonize him. I let the hot water wash over my face, and it stings my sensitive skin. I let out the breath I was holding, and push my wet hair back. Eric and Charlie will never get along, but Eric isn't the one who left me here all day without a good reason, or even a half ass explanation. Charlie is the one who left me here, and I shouldn't have to just sit here and wait for him to come home. Chuck isn't a threat anymore, and I should be allowed to live my life. I rinse myself off, and step out of the shower to wipe the fog off the mirror and then I realize something. My bruises are not going to be easily explained away, and there's no way to cover them with makeup right now, they're still too purple, and I can barely touch my eye without crying. How am I supposed to leave the house, and get some space if I can't actually go anywhere. I'm getting ready to call Eric and tell him not to come, but then there is a knock at the door. The sound makes me jump, and I quickly throw on some clothes before I run to check who it is. I stand on my tiptoes, and look out the peep hole in the door and see Eric standing there. He got here quick, I wonder where he lives. Grizzly is behind me, sniffing at the door. I take a deep breath and open it, then step out onto the porch, shutting the door behind me so Grizzly can't get out. Eric smiles when he sees me, but then he immediately looks horrified.
"Oh my god, Jocelyn, what did he do to you!" He's by my side in half a second, and brings his hands to my face, lightly running his thumb over my bruise. I flinch at the contact, and he pulls his hand away, but doesn't step back.
"Charlie didn't do this, Eric. My ex did." I look down, ashamed of what happened, and how stupid I was, but he puts a finger under my chin and lifts my face back up. I look up at him, and he has so much sadness on his face, but I can see how angry he is as well.
"The one you told me about?" A tear silently slips from my eye and I just nod my head. He pulls me to his chest and holds me tight. I wrap my arms around his back and hold on as tight as I can.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happened. Are you alright? Tell me what you need." I feel him kiss the top of my head and it breaks my heart. He really is so sweet, but I don't know what I need.
"I don't really know Eric. When I agreed to leave with you, I had forgotten about my bruises, but I really don't think I should be seen in public for the next few days. I'm sorry you drove out here for nothing." He pulls back from me, but keeps his arms around my back. I look up into his sweet face, and he smiles at me.
"It wasn't for nothing. We can still get you out of here for awhile, but maybe we should watch a movie at my house instead of at a theater. I can order a pizza?" I can't help but laugh. He tilts his head to the side and raises an eyebrow at me, grinning.
"That sounds so perfect Eric. Let me go grab my bag and we can go." I step away from him, and open the door. He follows me in, and Grizzly immediately steps between us, causing Eric to stop halfway through the door. I look up at him, and he's tense, but he doesn't look afraid.
"This is Grizzly, he's not as scary as he looks I promise." I reach down and rub his head, and his tongue flops out of the side of his mouth. I see Eric relax, and put his hand down for Grizzly t0 sniff. Once he is satisfied that I'm not in danger, he trots back to back door to go outside. I smile looking after him. I will really hate leaving him, he has become one of my best friends. I walk down the hall to the bedroom and open the door.
"Can you give me like five minutes, I need to dry my hair, and then we can leave. Just wait here ok?" I wave my hand at the bed, and he nods and sits down. I head into the bathroom and brush out my hair and plug in the dryer. Seven minutes later, it's dry, but hugely fluffy. I try to tame it as much as I can, but it just poofs back out. My hair is poker straight, but I have a lot of it, and it tends to have a mind of it's own. I shrug my shoulders, and walk back into the bedroom. Eric is still sitting where I left him, but as soon as he sees me, he stands up and smiles.
"Are you ready to go?" I feel myself want to resist, but I push it down and smile back at him.
"Yes, I'm ready." I pick my purse up from the bed and we walk out together. I shut the door behind me, and Eric goes to start the car. Before I walk off the porch, I check my phone one last time. It's 5:00 now, and there's still nothing from Charlie. Anger is starting to bubble up from the pit of my stomach, and I hold onto it tight, like it's my last defense. After everything that has happened, he has left me alone, to deal with it on my own. I shake my head, and turn my phone to silent, shoving it into my purse. I step off the porch and Eric opens the car door for me to get in. I buckle my seat belt, and push all thoughts of Charlie to the back of my mind. He's not thinking of me, so I won't be thinking of him either.