Finding the Light

The Second Time

Charlie looks like he's about ready to fall asleep by the time I finish my phone calls and returning emails, but it is 3:15 and I'm finally ready to leave. I stand up and walk over to the chair he's sitting in. He looks up at me and wraps one arm around me letting his hand come to rest on the small of my back.
"Are you finally ready to leave? I'm not saying that I don't have fun just watching you, but I'm getting rather impatient to get you home." I think just to show me he means that, he gives my backside a squeeze. I let out a giggle and step closer to him.
"Yes Charlie I am ready to leave. We just have to give this file to Rachel on our way out." I grab my bag and  my coffee cup, and head for the door. Charlie follows me patiently to Rachel's desk and he waits off to the side while I speak to her.
"Rachel this file needs to go upstairs to Ted. I'm leaving a little early so I've turned my phone to voicemail if anyone calls, please just have them leave a message." She peaks over at Charlie and blushes.
"Is that your boyfriend? He'd been waiting out here for like 15 minutes while you were in your meeting, and I saw the way he looked at you when you walked out the door." She's whispering, but I still want her to be careful with what she says. Charlie is watching me, and I'm praying he doesn't hear her.
"No he's not my boyfriend. He's just a friend."
"That exchange outside your door didn't look like just a friend." She giggles and I roll my eyes.
"I'm sorry you had to see that. This file, to Ted please?" She grabs the file from my hand and puts it in the box marked Ted on her desk.
"I'll have it up there before I leave. But Jocelyn, he's really cute, and I mean like the cutest man I've ever seen, so maybe you should think about giving up that 'friend' title." She winks at me and I just laugh at her.
"Ok Rachel, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow." She chirps goodbye at me as I turn around to get Charlie. He wraps one arm around me and hugs me close to his chest, but then let's me go so he can hold my hand while we walk to the elevator. He is so comfortable doing this but I feel like everyone is watching us. The elevator arrives and Charlie ushers me in first. The doors close and we are alone again. I can feel the energy coming off of him and my whole body is being pulled toward him. I can tell he feels it too because he's squirming just a little. I laugh to myself, and decide to take this opportunity to play with him a little bit.
"What's wrong Charlie? You seem uncomfortable." He looks down at me and I give him the most innocent smile that I can muster. He bites his lip and squeezes my hand even tighter.
"Oh so you want to play games." He smirks at me and steps behind me so my back is to his front. He wraps one arm around my waist and the other around my chest. He moves his bottom hand under my shirt and touches my stomach. My skin is hot against his and I let out a soft moan. I feel him smile against my hair. I can see now that the game is out of my hands and he's taken over.
"Is this the game you wanted to play?" He pushes his hand down the front of my pants and into my underwear. His fingers graze over me but he applies no pressure. I know he can feel my arousal, and he sighs a little. His other hand cups my breast and he tugs at my nipple through my bra. I am completely at his mercy in this elevator. He leans down again and bites at my ear. His voice is so soft, and his cold breath against my neck raises goosebumps on my skin.
"I love the way you feel in my hands. So soft. So warm."
I come undone in his arms. He has barely touched me and yet here I am, orgasming in the elevator. He takes his hand out of my pants and holds me tight to his chest as I come down from my high, and I feel him kiss the top of my head. The elevator slows down and opens. I am still panting as Charlie takes my hand and walks me out. Was that the longest elevator ride ever, or did all of that happen so fast? Charlie opens the front door of the building and lets me walk through. Once we're outside he scoops me up from the ground into his arms and nuzzles his face into hair. I wrap my arms around his neck to steady myself.
"Charlie! What are you doing put me down" I know I shouldn't be, but I'm giggling like an idiot.
"You are the most amazing woman I've ever met. Do you know that?"
"No I don't know that. But I appreciate the compliment." He smiles as he walks down the block to his waiting car, still holding me in his arms.
"Do you just appreciate the compliment or do you appreciate our little game as well?" He winks at me as he sets me down in front of the car. I can tell my face is completely red as I open my door. I can't believe what happened in that elevator. He didn't even touch me. Charlie slides in next to me and squeezes my hand. I'm really embarrassed about our elevator ride, actually, so I pull away slightly.
"What's wrong baby?" He touches my knee and I look up at him.
"Nothing. I guess I'm just surprised about what happened in that elevator." He grins at me and squeezes my leg. I look back down at my hands.
"I was surprised too. But are you unhappy about it?" When I look up at him he has concern all over his face. My embarrassment starts to fade and my need for him comes crawling back in.
"No I'm not unhappy. Just a little embarrassed I guess. I don't know." He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.
"Jocelyn, you never have to be embarrassed about anything with me. Besides, we were both on the edge today. You just happened to beat me to the finish line."
"What do you mean we were both on the edge?" Now he's the one who looks embarrassed, but I can't for the life of me figure out why.
"Well, earlier in your office, when you were straddling me and had your fists in my hair; if you wouldn't have stopped us, I would have had the same ending in your office chair that you had in that elevator." He blushes next to me and I crack up laughing.
"You're laughing at me again." I think I might have hurt his feelings but when I look over to him he's smiling.
"So, where are we going? To my place or am I taking you home to face your roommates?" I'd forgotten all about having to talk to them. I'm really not ready for that, and sitting here with Charlie now, I know I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.
"Well, um, how would you feel about me spending the night at your place?" His face lights up.
"Are you sure that's what you want to do? Last time you slept at my place things got out of control."
"Yes I know Charlie. It was last night remember?" We both laugh a little bit, but I am serious about staying over.
"If you're ok with it, I would really like to stay with you tonight. If we could just run by my house so I can grab some clothes and leave my friends a note."
"Of course we can." He kisses my hand again and then, keeping our fingers interlocked, places our hands back into my lap. He pulls out onto the road and heads toward my house. The 10 minute drive is pretty quiet aside from both of us fiddling with the radio trying to decide on a station. Charlie pulls up to my house and parks the car.
"Do you want me to come inside with you?" He is still holding my hand and I'm hesitant on letting go.
"No I think it'll be faster if I go myself. We might get distracted if you try another one of your games while I'm packing my clothes." He laughs and leans over to kiss my forehead.
"Ok well hurry back. If you're gone more than 5 minutes I'm coming in looking for you." I smile at him and head into the house. All the lights are still off, so I know no one is home, and I run straight upstairs. I have to get my clothes for the morning, some things to shower, and also my laptop and charger. There's still a couple things I'd like to get done before work tomorrow so maybe Charlie will give me an hour or so to work tonight too. As I'm packing up the last of my things, I hear a sound behind me. I can tell from the energy in the room that Charlie has followed me upstairs. Within a second he is behind me again, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to him. I close my eyes and sink back into his chest. He leans down and starts leaving a trail of kisses on my neck, all the way down to my shoulder.
"I thought you were going to wait in the car." I pull away to turn around but I stay locked in his arms.
"Well I just missed you to much." He puts one hand into my hair and pulls me up to kiss him. His lips are soft, but there's so much need behind them. I wrap both my hands into his hair and pull him further down into me. There is something about the way kissing him feels, and even though I'm terrified of it, it almost seems as though I need this feeling, this connection to him, to even feel like myself now. I want more, I need more. So I break away from the kiss to tell him, but something stops me. That sad look is back in his eyes and I can't understand why. I bring one hand to his face and he leans into it, cupping his own hand around mine and turning his face to kiss my wrist.
"Charlie what's wrong? Every time I've looked at you today you seem sad." He looks at me again and my heart just breaks.
"Please tell me." He kisses my wrist again and then let's go of me. He shuts my bedroom door and then moves my bag to the floor and sits on the bed. I sit beside him and he turns so we are facing each other. I'm starting to get really worried about what he's going to say. Is he going to tell me that he doesn't want me around anymore? I know that we can't continue this for much longer but I thought maybe I'd have a few more days with him. My heart swells and a lump forms in my throat as I wait for him to speak.
"I need to tell you something Jocelyn. But I don't want you to be upset. Can you promise me that you'll listen to everything I say before you respond?" I nod at him.
"Yes I can do that." He sighs and rubs his face with his hands. I'm not sure what this is, but it's really upsetting him.
"Ok, after everything that happened last night, and then with how freaked out you were this morning and the things you said about being locked in that room, I went home and did some by research on my computer." My hair stands on end, and my skin begins to crawl. If he says what I think he's going to say, I don't know what I'll do.
"Jocelyn, I found the article about you, when He found you three years ago. I saw the picture of you in that hospital bed. I'm so sorry. I know that I shouldn't have gone looking, but you were so afraid, and you wouldn't tell me anything. I just needed to know something, anything, so I would know how to protect you. Baby, please don't cry." He reaches up with both hands and rubs the tears off my cheeks. I didn't even realize I had started crying. I knew when he started, that this was what he would say. I can see the pain in his eyes and the regret he has for meeting me. I can't help it, and I break down completely. I don't think I've ever cried this hard in my entire life. Sobs rake through my body and I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. Charlie folds his arms around me and puts me in his lap. He rocks me back and forth gently, like I'm a child having a fit.
"I'm so sorry Jocelyn. I'm sorry I found it. I should have waited for you to tell me." He picks me up and walks to the side of the bed. He never lets go as he climbs into the middle and puts the covers over us. We stay this way for what feels like seconds and hours at the same time. Charlie is rubbing my back gently while I cry, and every now and then he kisses the top of my head. He's apologized countless times for finding the article, but he doesn't need to be sorry. I knew that article was out there. I couldn't get them to take it down. I was stupid to think no one would ever find it. My sobs have calmed down and now I'm just shaking. I need to say something, but I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to speak again. He shifts underneath me so I'm not sitting on his lap anymore but between his legs, and he rests his head on top of mine. This whole time he hasn't let go of me, his arms remain fixed around me, giving me a safe place to break. I tilt my head back and look up at his sad face.
"Baby are you ok? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or hurt you. I just want so badly to protect you." He kisses my forehead and then my nose and then kisses my lips so gently I'm not sure it even happens. I bring one of my hands up and touch the side of his face. When I speak my voice is hoarse from crying.
"It's ok Charlie. I know you didn't mean any harm by it. I'm just so ashamed of the things that have happened. I'm sorry to have brought all this darkness into your life. I understand if you never want to see me again." My voice cracks with tears at the thought of him not wanting me anymore. I know that us being apart is the safest thing for him, but it's almost like my soul is screaming at me to never let him go. He looks horrified at my words.
"Jocelyn you have nothing to be ashamed about. You've done nothing wrong. And baby I promise you, I am not walking away. You're stuck with me now." He smiles at me and kisses my temple. It makes me feel a little better and I smile back at him. I sit up a little more so I can kiss him. He wraps his arms around me. I open my mouth and pull him as close as I possibly can. I know we should be talking, but in this moment nothing feels more right than touching him. Without breaking away from the kiss, I turn around completely so I'm straddling him on the bed. He moans into my mouth, and I feel his erection beneath me. I sit back a little and try to catch my breath. I press my forehead to his.
"What do you need. Just tell me." I know exactly what I need in this moment.
"I just need you Charlie." He sighs and kisses me again. He reaches up the back up my shirt and unhooks my bra. I hesitate slightly and he pulls away.
"Do you want to undress yourself? I'm fine with that." I'm impressed he remembers. I think about this for half a second and surprise myself.
"No. You can undress me."
"Ok." He watches my face intently, his eyes never leaving mine, as he pulls my shirt up over my head. He helps me out of my bra straps and tosses both onto the floor beside the bed. He looks down at my exposed chest and bites his bottom lip. I sit up on my knees a little to make this easier for him. His hand finds one nipple at the same time his mouth finds the other. He sucks on my sensitive breast and I push myself closer to him. I pull his hair loose from the tie in it and gather it in my hands. I relish in the feeling of his mouth on my skin, but I need more of him. I sit back down on his lap, his mouth moves from my nipple to spreading kisses and soft bites across my chest.
"Charlie." He gives my skin one more kiss and then looks at me.
"What do you need?" In response, I lift his shirt up. He sits up straight so I can get it off. I toss it on the floor and put my hands on his chest. He reaches for the button on my pants and he slides them down my legs. It's a little awkward trying to get them off and we both start to laugh. He slides my underwear off as well and as he's tossing both items to the floor I undo his jeans and he helps me get them off. I'm sitting in his lap, both of us completely naked. I press my forehead to his and close my eyes.
"Are you ok?" His voice is thick with concern, and it makes my heart hurt.
"Yes, I'm ok. Are you?" I lean back and look at him. I need him more than I've ever needed anything right now, but I don't want to take advantage. Instead of answering, he just kisses me. I lift myself up and position over him just right. I pause before I sit down, and he pulls away to look at me. I look into his eyes as I lower myself onto him. It is the most exquisite, full feeling I have ever felt in my life. My head rolls back in pure bliss. He hisses through clenched teeth as I take all of him in.
"Oh Charlie." I moan. He starts lifting his hips up, pushing himself into me so achingly slow, but it's just what I need. He pulls me to his chest and holds me close. This feeling of being next to him in this way, it's different than any other time I've been with someone. He is meeting me thrust for thrust and we are just holding each other tight. He holds one hand at the small of my back keeping me in place, but he brings his other up to my face. I lean in, and once his lips touch mine I come undone, my orgasm exploding around him. He pushes into me two more times and then I feel him finish.
"Jocelyn" he moans as he pours himself into me. We don't move, I stay in his lap with his arms wrapped around my back, my head on his chest and him still inside me. He kisses my forehead and he is out of breath when he speaks.
"Jocelyn, you are incredible." I lift my head up and kiss him.
"You are too. Thank you." He tilts his head to the side and half smiles.
"Why are you thanking me? For the sex?"
"No not for the sex, although that was amazing. I guess just thank you for being here when I needed you. I haven't had that, well ever. So just, thank you." He smiles and kisses my nose.
"I will always be here when you need me. But maybe we should get cleaned up and get out of here before your roommates get home."
"You're right." I lift myself off of him and then a realization hits me as I feel the stickiness start moving down my thighs.
"Charlie, we didn't wear a condom. Wait? Did you use one last night?" His face goes pale.
"No, I don't think I did. I don't remember throwing one away. Jocelyn I didn't even think about it. We've just been jumping each other. My god, how could I be so stupid." His face goes from pale to red as he covers it with his hands. I've never had sex without a condom, aside from Chuck, but that wasn't my choice, and I'm not on birth control anymore.
"Ok, it's not all your fault. I should have said something. I guess we were just in to much of a hurry. It's going to be fine Charlie I promise. Look, let's go get in the shower and then we can go." I take his hand away from his face and he looks so embarrassed, but also afraid.
"Charlie what is it? I'm not mad, I promise."
"I know you're not, but I'm mad at myself. Never have I ever once forgotten a condom." He sighs and kisses my hand.
"I'm really sorry Jocelyn. I promise it won't happen again." The thought of having something obstruct the feeling of his skin on mine makes my heart sink.
"No, I'll get on birth control. Now that I've felt all of you there is, I don't want to give that up. So I'll get on the pill. I'll call tomorrow."
"Are you sure?" I hug him tight and look up at him.
"Yes I am sure. But we're going to the free clinic too. The pill doesn't protect against all things." He kisses the top of my head and squeezes me to him.
"Ok, I can deal with that." I let go of him and we head into the bathroom. I start the water and we both step in. The hot water burns my already hot skin, but the sting feels good for some reason. Charlie is squished in the corner again and I can't help but laugh at him.
"We may need to start showering at your house because you don't really fit in here." He's trying to adjust himself, but there's just no room.
"You're right. Let's make this quick, we can take a better shower at my place later." He washes both of us quickly and turns the water off. He wraps a towel around himself, the same way he did last night, and then dries me off. We walk back into the bedroom to get dressed and grab my things. It's now 4:30 and my roommates will be home any minute, so we need to get out of here fast. Charlie grabs my bag while I feed Albert and then we walk downstairs. Charlie goes out to start the car while I write a note telling Cayla and Kathryn I'll be gone all night and not to worry. I run outside and hop in the car. As we pull out onto the road heading to Charlie's house I get lost in my own thoughts. I've broken two of my rules with Charlie, but to my own surprise I don't really mind. I like when he undresses me because he is so kind while doing it. As for sleeping in bed with him, I need more practice at it, but when he was in my bed this morning it was the first time in three years I slept without a nightmare. Maybe Charlie is good for me, but I still need to be careful. No matter how safe he makes me feel, I cannot break rule number three. I make a promise to myself right then, not to fall in love with Charlie.