Finding the Light

An Almost Mistake

The first few minutes of our trip are silent as Eric maneuvers his way through the long dirt driveway and back out into town. This is sort of awkward because I'm not sure what to do now. I start wrapping my fingers around themselves, fidgeting like a three year old. Eric reaches over and takes my hand in his, interlocking our fingers. I look over at him, and he offers me a small smile.
"Are you alright? You haven't said a word since we left." I think really hard for a few seconds before I answer. I don't really know how I feel right now. On one hand I'm proud of myself for being strong, and refusing to sit at home and wait on a man who has ignored me all day, but on the other, I feel like I'm sneaking around and cheating; especially now that Eric is rubbing his thumb along mine. His feather light touch is making me feel things I know are wrong, and my mouth is starting to go dry. I look over to him, and he has an eyebrow raised waiting for me to answer.
"Yes, I'm ok. I just feel strange, I don't really know how to explain it." His brow furrows and he looks back to the road.
"You're regretting leaving the house with me aren't you?" He starts to take his hand out of mine, but I hold tight to it, needing the touch.
"No Eric, I don't regret leaving with you. It's just that I'm very confused about my feelings. Being with you right now, it feels so good, but I know it shouldn't. I just don't want to mess anything up." I look down toward my hands again, and my chest starts to hurt. I don't know why Charlie is gone, or why he hasn't called, but maybe he had a good reason, and here I was leaving with someone else, someone he hates. I know I love Charlie, but how can I be sure he loves me. Although, he did tell me Thursday that he wanted to marry me, but then today he left, and hasn't even tried to call. Maybe he thought he loved me, and felt so responsible for me because of Chuck, but now that he's gone he realized that his feelings aren't what he thought they were. It has only been two weeks since we met after all, so I can't blame him for changing his mind. Eric lifts our hands and uses his thumb to wipe a tear that I didn't even know was falling. When his fingers touch my face, my whole body gets warm.
"Honey, you aren't messing anything up. I know things are strange for you, and I'm not going to pretend I understand what's going on with you and Charlie, but I can promise you, that until you figure it out, I will be hands off. I won't make things anymore complicated for you." He kisses my knuckles, and butterflies explode in my stomach. I don't know if they're from excitement or guilt, but my body is starting to respond to him as well. I press my thighs together, and look out the window trying to steady my breathing. This was definitely a mistake, I'm going to have to be on guard all night to make sure I don't jump him. I internally roll my eyes at myself. The tiny voice in the back of my head is quiet, probably preferring to silently chastise me.
"Thank you Eric. You are so much better than I deserve." He chuckles and looks over at me again.
"Jocelyn, you have no idea how special you are do you?" My face scrunches up, and he laughs at my confusion.
"Care to explain?" He squeezes my hand in his, making my butterflies return, and he smiles at me.
"I just mean that you are more than you know. You've faced more things than most, and you always come out on top. Take right now for example, you refused to be treated a certain way, and took your care into your own hands. That's hard for most people to do, and you did it without hesitation. You are so strong, but you are also so selfless. You're always worried about everyone else before yourself. You are just amazing." Hearing him call me selfless makes my breath catch. I am the farthest thing from selfless. I ran away from my family and hid from Chuck because I was afraid for my own safety, I had an affair with my best friend's boyfriend so I could keep tabs on her, and now I'm here with Eric. Everything I do is in my own self interest, I've never done anything selfless.
"Thank you for thinking that, but it's just not true." He sighs at me and then turns down a side street. We're in a neighborhood of small cottage style houses, and there are children and families everywhere. We drive down about a mile, and then he turns into a driveway. His house is beautiful. It looks like the type of cottage that would be in a children's book. There are rose bushes in front, acting as a sort of fence around the small front porch. The white siding contrasts against the dark green shutters perfectly, and the rocking chairs on the porch are swaying slightly in the breeze.
"Eric your house is beautiful." He smiles and gives my hand another squeeze before getting out. He comes around and opens my door, taking my hand again to help me out.
"Thank you, it was my grandparent's house actually. When they passed I inherited it, and I moved back in right away. I hated not living here, it's always been my favorite place in the world." I smile up at him, and we walk to the front door. He unlocks it, and pushes it open, never letting go of my hand. The inside of the house is just as charming as the outside. It is decorated very modestly, the walls are all a calming beige color, and the dark hardwood floors make it feel very cozy. The kitchen is at the front of the house to the left, and there are stairs to my right. The kitchen is the same beige color as the rest of the rooms, but there are blue accents everywhere. Actually the more I look around I see the navy color is a theme throughout the house. It suits Eric perfectly, I can see that he is the one who decorated this place. We walk through the small hallway and to the right, which opens up into the family room. There is one large couch that wraps around the corner of the wall, a small fireplace, and a TV hanging on the wall over it.
"Why don't you sit, and I'll order dinner. What kind of pizza do you want?" I take a seat and immediately sink down into the couch.
"Anything, just no mushrooms." He laughs and nods his head, turning back toward the kitchen. I take this second of alone time, and dig my phone out of my purse. I open it up, and there's still nothing from Charlie. A bad feeling starts to creep into my mind, causing my skin to crawl. Maybe he hasn't called because he isn't ok. I send him a quick text to see if he will reply.
J: Charlie, are you alright?
I push send, and it goes through immediately. It only takes 30 seconds for him to read the message, then his reply comes in.
C: I'm fine.
Wow. My anger comes back, and I turn my phone off completely. I'm not sure what his problem is, but this is not ok. I push my face into my hands and force myself not to cry. I'm not going to worry about this right now. I wanted to get away to have fun with Eric, and forget about my problems, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Before I can stand up to go find him, Eric is beside me on the couch wrapping me in his arms. I lean into him immediately, and I start to feel so much better.
"Honey, are you ok?" I crawl into his lap, and just let him hold me. I'm really not ok, I just don't know how to express that. He lays his cheek on top of my head and just sits with me. Finally I take a deep breath and look up into his eyes.
"Yes I'm ok. I'm sorry, I just got upset for a second. Charlie is not being very nice today, and I let it get to me. I promise I won't let him ruin our night." He runs his fingers through my hair pushing my head back so I can look into his eyes, and he smiles. His touch sends electric shocks throughout me, making my belly instantly warm. He leans forward to kiss my forehead, and once his lips make contact with my skin, I forget how to breathe. My whole body is on fire at his touch, and before I know what I'm doing I lean up and kiss him. He's surprised for only a second, and then he quickly returns the kiss, tightening his grip on me. His full lips are so soft against mine, and he is letting me set the pace. Without breaking the kiss, I turn so I am straddling him, and wrap my arms around his neck. I can feel his growing erection beneath me, and I push myself down, rubbing against him. He moans into my mouth at the contact, and I touch my tongue to his, exploring all of him. He wraps a fist into my hair, holding me to his mouth, while his other hand travels down my back and under my shirt. His hands are so soft against me, causing my breath to catch. I pull away from him to try and fill my lungs back up, and he moves his lips down to my jaw, placing petal soft kisses all along it, making my goosebumps grow even more. Involuntarily I sit up pushing my chest to his face, and he gladly buries his face into my neck, beginning to softly pull my skin between his teeth. He moves his hand up my back, trailing his fingers against my already too hot skin, and unclips my bra. Once I feel it release, I'm suddenly broken out of my trance, and jump back from him. He immediately releases me, trying to catch his breath.
"What's wrong, are you ok?" I stand up from his lap, and fix my bra. I can see that he is so confused and probably also a little hurt, and I want to fix it for him, but I can't touch him again. I shouldn't have kissed him. I loved every second of it, and I would have continued, but I'm not ready for someone else to undress me. Charlie is the only man I've ever willingly let do it, and breaking that unspoken promise to him feels like the worst thing I could do.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry, I just got scared when you unhooked my bra, that's all." He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair.
"I'm sorry, I said I was going to be hands off, and I let myself get carried away." I sit back down beside him and take his hand in mine.
"No Eric, I wanted to keep going, I want to be close to you in that way, there's just a lot of complicated things going through my head right now." I let out a long puff of air, not wanting to tell him this, but knowing I owe him an explanation. I touch my palm to the side of his face, and force him to look at me.
"When I was with Chuck, he would force me into bed. Once things started to get really bad, I was always so afraid of another beating, that I just stopped putting up a fight most of the time and let him do what he wanted. When I finally got out and was intimate with another person, I froze when he tried to undress me. So, ever since then, I shut down whenever someone else tries to take my clothes off. It's my last line of defense, and the only way I know for sure that I'm ok with what's happening, is if I expose myself instead of it being done to me." He looks like he might cry, but instead he just leans into me and places a soft kiss on my lips. I can't help but smile at how gentle he is with me.
"Thank you for telling me. I promise, from now on, if things start to get heated again, I will let you do all your own undressing. As long as you do it slowly, and let me watch." He winks at me and my arousal soaks into my panties again. Before I can do anything about it, the doorbell rings, and Eric goes to answer it. Once I'm alone, I force myself to get under control. This is not why I came here today. I just wanted to have some stress free time with a friend, but this is quickly becoming more than I can handle. My face gets hot when I think of Charlie finding out about this, and I pull my phone back out to turn it on again. There's no new messages from him, so I just put it back. I can't deal with both of them at the moment. As I'm sitting back down on the couch, Eric comes in with the pizza, two plates, and two beers.
"Are you hungry?" He grins down at me as he places everything on the coffee table in front of me, and grabs the remote to turn the TV on.
"Yes I'm starving actually. Thank you for dinner." He sits down next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder allowing me to cuddle in next to him. He starts flipping through Netflix to find something for us to watch while I put pizza on both our plates for us. We finally settle on some comedy movie we've never seen and I relax the rest of the way into him. We're both laughing at the movie, and all of my stress goes away. Eric really is easy to be around, and I'm enjoying myself far more than I ever thought I would. I'm drifting off to sleep when Eric speaks, making me jump.
"Jocelyn, can I ask you something?" I sit up slightly and turn so I can face him.
"Of course you can." His brow pinches together, and I know he is trying to think of the right way to say whatever it is he wants to say. Finally he lets out the breath he was holding and looks at me again.
"Earlier, when I picked you up and you went to dry your hair, there was a half packed suitcase on the bed. Are you still unpacking, or were you planning to run away?" I can feel my face getting red, I had forgotten all about that suitcase being there. He isn't wrong though, I was planning to run away, I just don't know if telling him that is a good idea. I sit back, and pull my knees to my chest, trying to hold myself together.
"Yes, I was going to run off. After I woke up alone this morning, and Charlie was so cold to me, I figured Chuck must be right. He got tired of me and realized that I was unlovable, and there was no reason for me to be there anymore." My tears sting the back of my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Eric wraps his arm around my shoulder again and pulls me to him.
"You aren't unlovable Jocelyn. I'm sure that whatever reason he had for leaving today is a good one, and you guys will figure it out. Don't run away so quickly." I jerk my head back and stare at him. What? He was telling me to give Charlie another chance? I must have a funny look on my face trying to figure out why he would say this to me because he just laughs.
"I take it you were expecting a different response from me?"
"Well yes actually. I didn't think you approved of Charlie, and now here you are telling me to give him another chance. I thought that you wanted something more with me?" I feel almost like I'm being rejected, but I know that's silly, so I push the feeling away and just listen to what he has to say.
"I absolutely want something more with you Jocelyn. I want to be the one you come home to and wake up to everyday, I want to be the one who makes you smile, and I want to be the one who takes care of you when you're sad, but I'm also not blind. I see the way you two are together. That first day we met, and he was outside your office, I knew then that I could never compete. You saw him, and your entire demeanor changed. Then as soon as he touched your face, it was like myself and the rest of the world disappeared, you even forgot my name in those ten seconds. If you want me, then I'm all in, but I know that that's a long shot because no matter what Charlie does, you'll always go back." A small sob escapes my lips, and I have to look away from him. He's right, I will always go back to Charlie. He changed my life, and showed me what love is supposed to be. He made me feel safe for the first time in almost ten years, and he still took me in even after finding out how terrible I am. My heart would always belong to Charlie, but that doesn't mean his belongs to me. He left me this morning, shut me out, and gave no reason at all for it. What am I supposed to do? Just sit at home and wait for him every night when he decides to go out and do whatever it is he is doing without telling me? I won't do it. Eric is right about one thing, I was taking my care into my own hands and I wouldn't be treated like someone he could just be around when he wanted to be touched. There was no reason for him to treat me that way today, and I won't take it. Eric touches my face, wiping away the tears that had betrayed me and fallen over my cheeks. I look at him, and he is giving me a sad smile.
"Do you want me to take you home?" The look in his eyes is telling me that he really doesn't want me to go. I just shake my head, and more tears silently fall from my eyes.
"I should go, but I don't know if that's my home anymore. Even if he had a good reason for being gone all day, there will never be a good reason for how he spoke to and ignored me. I was treated so badly by Chuck, and I believed for years, even after, that I deserved all of it, but I don't. No one deserves to be hurt like that, and I won't do it anymore." My chest feels like it's going to explode from the words coming out of my mouth. I love Charlie, he is the thing that makes me whole, but I've lived with half of myself before, and I can do it again. If he is going to just toss me aside, then I'll stay there and not come back. Eric lets out a sigh, and his shoulders droop a little.
"You're right, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Do you have another place to go? If you run from him, do you know where you're running too?" My face falls, and another sob escapes my lips. I don't have a place to go. I'll have to stay in a hotel alone, or go home to my family.
"No. I'll figure it out though." He runs his fingers through my hair again, and I sigh looking up into his eyes. They are the kindest eyes I have ever seen, and the amber color of them is glowing even brighter from the tears trying to fall. He collects himself quickly, and smiles at me.
"You'll stay here. I have a guest room you can use until you figure out what you want to do." My heart starts to pound, and I don't know why.
"I can't do that Eric. It is so sweet of you to offer, but I'm not your problem to deal with. I don't want to get in your way." He just laughs a little and then pulls my face forward to kiss my forehead.
"You could never get in the way honey." He kisses my forehead again, then my nose, and then my lips. He is so light with his touch that I barely feel it, but once his lips leave mine, I hear him let out a small moan, and I know he wants to keep going, but he doesn't. He leans back away from me, and removes his hands from my face, deciding to intertwine our fingers instead. My butterflies are back, and my breathing has gotten a little heavy. His touch doesn't make me feel the same way as when I'm with Charlie, but then again, it's not right to compare the two of them. Eric isn't doing it on purpose, but the sweetness of his words, and the way he is being so gentle with me, is driving me crazy. When I finally meet his eyes, I know he can see how much I want him. He turns slightly to face me, but then he stops himself and clears his throat.
"Jocelyn, I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret tomorrow. Are you sure you don't want me to take you home?" I think for a second, but I know I won't regret being close to him. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, and hear him gasp when he sees it.
"I don't want to leave Eric, but if you want me to, then I'll go." He licks his lips, and I clench my thighs together.
"I don't want you to go." He looks into my eyes again, and I wrap his shirt in my fist, pulling him to me. He moans when our lips touch, and I wrap my arms around his neck, needing him to be closer to me. He lays me back onto the couch and crawls overtop of me, never letting his lips leave mine. I wrap my legs around his waist, and pull him into me. I can feel him through his pants, but I need more contact, I need to feel him skin on skin. I break away from his mouth and try to catch my breath. He kisses my cheek and then moves down to nibble on my ear. I suck in a breath of air, and I can feel him smile against me. His words are so quiet when he whispers in my ear.
"You are so beautiful Jocelyn." I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. I may never be able to be with Charlie again, but in this moment, all I need is Eric.
"I want to be closer to you. Take your shirt off." He grins at me, then does as he's told, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it to the floor. He sits back a little and lets me lift my own shirt off. I toss it, along with my bra, onto the floor next to the couch. He is staring down at me, so I take this time to discover his body as well. His dark skin is glistening with small beads of sweat, and he has a small splattering of black hair covering his chest. His muscles are tight, but not overly so, and his skin is warm to the touch. I run my fingertips along his chest, and he shivers at the light contact. He leans down again, and sucks the skin at the base of my neck, just above my collarbone. His hand comes up and his fingers find my already hard nipple. I push myself into his hand, and sensing what I want he pulls harder on the swollen tip. I lift my hips to his, trying to feel some friction and he pushes down into me. His erection is rubbing me in just the right spot, and I can feel how wet I've become even through all the clothes. He stops his gentle sucking for a moment to look into my eyes. He runs his fingers along the edge of my jeans, and I know what he wants. I unbutton them and slide the zipper down. He sits back slightly, and I slide my pants and panties down my legs. He removes them from my ankles, and then looks down at my already soaked center. His hands move up my thighs, and I almost convulse. Before he can reach his goal, he stops suddenly, and I open my eyes to look at him.
"Are you sure about this honey?" I sit up on my elbows and look him right in the eye.
"I've never been more sure about anything." He smiles and then kisses me again. I open my mouth and at the same time his tongue touches mine, he pushes two fingers as deep into me as he can go. I have to turn my face from his and he groans as he starts moving his fingers in and out. He turns his hand, and while keeping his fingers in place, begins rubbing his palm against my most sensitive spot. My back arches and I push my hips up to meet him, needing more pressure than he is giving. His other hand comes back to my breast to roll my nipple between his fingers. I am putty in his hands, but he is still being so gentle with me. I look up into his face, but he is watching his fingers work. My eyes travel down, and I can see his pants are tight around him, so I reach for the button, trying to take them off. When he feels my hands, his own stop for a second, and then he slowly pulls his fingers out of me. He slips them into his mouth, and I swear it nearly pushes me over the edge. He groans again, and his eyes roll back. He finishes cleaning his fingers off, then slides his pants down his legs. He moves to get back onto the couch but he hesitates.
"Hold on honey, I'll be right back." I'm confused for a second, and I'm left laying there naked on the couch while he runs out of the room. He comes back a minute later, and holds up a small foil packet.
"I almost forgot this." He smiles at me, then rips it open and slides the condom down his length. I take his hand and he lays back on top of me. He positions himself between my legs, and I can feel him pressing against me, but he lowers his lips to mine before sliding inside. I lift my knees back, giving him more access and return his kiss, pulling him deeper into my mouth. He starts to push his hips forward, so achingly slowly, but before the entire tip is even in, there is a loud banging at the door that makes us both jump. He nearly falls off the couch and I scream so loud, that I know whoever is knocking had to have heard me. I'm trying to catch my breath, and Eric sits back up on the couch and laughs.
"It's probably Mrs. Henderson from next door. They have cookouts every Saturday and she's always bringing me food over. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be back." He stands up, and pulls his jeans and shirt on before leaving the room. I decide it's probably best for me to get dressed as well, just in case she decides to come in. I stand up and pull my pants on, and I hear Eric talking to someone, but it doesn't sound friendly. I quickly put my bra and shirt back on, and then sit back down, hoping that he will come back soon. But then the screaming starts.
"What are you doing? You can't just barge in here!"
"The hell I can't, where is she? I know she's here!" What the heck is going on? Before I can stand up to find out what the commotion is, Charlie is standing in the doorway to the living room. His face is beet red, and he has so much anger on his face, but as soon as he sees me it disappears for a moment. He rushes to me, and picks me up from the couch holding me to his chest. I immediately melt into him, and snuggle my face into his chest, but then I remember how angry I am and try to step away from him. His heart is beating a mile a minute, and his breathing is out of control. He finally steps back and puts his hands on my face, looking down at me, like he's looking for any broken pieces that aren't already there. I'm so confused, and angry, but more confused. How did he get here? How does he even know where here is? Why is he here? He seems to read my mind because he starts answering my silent questions.
"I got home and you weren't there baby. I've been calling and texting you, but you didn't answer, so I came to find you. I'm so glad you're safe. Let's get you home, it's late." He takes my hand and tries to lead me out of the room, but I stay rooted to my spot. How dare he storm in here and try to tell me what to do. He is the one who left me alone all day, and ignored me, and brushed me off. I wasn't leaving with him, not now and not ever.
"I'm not coming home with you." He spins around so fast I'm not sure how he doesn't fall over. He shakes his head, clearly thinking he didn't hear me right, but I don't sway. I plant my feet where they are, and prepare myself for the fight that I know is coming.