Last Christmas You Broke My Heart

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE : I Set Myself Free

"Bakit di ka nakipagpalit ng number?", tanong ko habang iniiwasang tumingin sa kanyang mata.

Katahimikan. Walang salita ang lumabas sa kanyang bibig habang ako'y nakasabit at naghihintay sa kanyang sagot.

"Kung di ka magsasalita, aalis na lang ako. Hatiin na lang natin yung mga gagawin at mag-usap na lang tayo kapag ipa-finalized na lahat", malamig kong salita dahil hindi ko na kayang makasama pa siya.

Noong oras na tatayo na ako ay hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at pinigil ako sa pag-alis. "Anya sandali lang", sabi niya.

Irritated. I turn to his way. "Jason, ano ba?! Wala akong panahong makipagbwisitan sa'yo", sagot ko habang pinipigilan kong tumulo ang mga luha ko.

Napakahirap. Napakahirap na piliting hindi masaktan habang tumitingin sa kanyang mga mata. Mga matang tila ba napakalalim na mistulang kawalan. Mga matang di pa rin kumukupas ang ganda ngunit imbes na ngiti ang pinararamdam sa akin ay lamig na lamang ang natira.

"Kaya hindi ako nakipagpalit ng nabunot kong number kahit pwede naman sana ay dahil gusto kitang harapin. Gusto kong malaman kung okay ka lang. Gusto kong linawin lahat..." sabi niya pero bago niya pa maituloy ang sasabihin niya ay pinutol ko na ito.

I wiped the tears that I tried so hard to hold back then I muster up the courage to speak out what my heart really wants to say. "Kamustahin? 'Di mo na obligasyon yun simula nung nakipag-break ka sakin..." I paused as I choked into my words.

Still standing, face to face with him, with this cold weather I shiver. "Tapos na tayo Jason. Please huwag mo na ako pahirapan. Kasi di pa ako okay. Tama na please", I broke down crying.

He tried so hard to make me stop crying. Holding my face just like the last time but not to kiss me in the forehead or lips this time. It is just to make me stop crying because of the guilt that is creeping inside his heart.

I can't remember all the things that happened after I broke down to tears but what I remember clearly is him continously saying he's sorry. Saying that if he can re-write our story, he would choose not to hurt me. He would like to stay beside me. He would like to continue loving me.

Those words made even more weaker. Those words made me want to try again so I ask him one question.

"Kung patatawarin kita? Babalik ka ba sakin?", I asked him and as my question echoed in my head I realized how petty and desperate I am. But who cares?! I don't. Mahal ko siya eh.

He looked at me with those apologetic eyes that I hate with all my heart.

He stuttered. He stumbling in his own words. "Anya...", he called my name while he planted his hands on his face. It took him a while until he said, "Anya, kung pwede lang. Pero mahal ko rin si Trish and I know it all too well that it doesn't make sense."

I nod in agreement that it doesn't make sense. I cried again, but at least now I know na minahal niya rin ako kahit papaano. But I want to be kinder with myself and end it for good.

I wiped my tears and took my notebook inside my bag. "So hatiin na natin topics natin sa project?", I ask him.

He's still looking at me without talking but I have to continue talking so we can end this night already. So can finally let this broken heart of mine rest in peace.