Always You |harry styles| - completed

THIRTY-ONE

The Who: I Can't Explain

I woke up on Saturday morning and for a split second I completely forgot the events of last night. Did that really happen?

'Grimmie and I got Harry home safely. I left your address by his coffee maker, but I made sure he knows not to show up unannounced. You should really talk to him, love. I'll see ya soon! Niall', a message popped up on my phone as soon as I unlocked it and confirmed that everything I thought was a dream really was reality. I wasn't mad at Niall for leaving Harry my address... we needed to talk. I just didn't know what we could possibly talk about. Making myself a cup of coffee I contemplated how to reach out to him. I finally sat down at my little mint green dining table and texted him to come over when he wakes up. The rain was persistent and made dull and repetitive sounds on my windows, as if a hundred people were knocking on them every few seconds. This weather really made you feel like shit, and I never believed when people told me how your mood depended on the sky if you lived in the UK. I had the heating on high, but it still wasn't enough to warm me up so I grabbed a knit jumper from my unpacked boxes and pulled it over the t-shirt that doubled as my pijama. The doorbell rang and I almost dropped the mug to the ground... I'd never heard the doorbell in this flat. People should really make it a thing to ring their own doorbell when they move into a new place, just to get used to the sound. I looked through the peep hole and saw a tall man in a dark hoodie, little curls framing his face.

"You're here early... come in.", I let Harry inside the mess of an apartment I was yet to unpack and decorate fully.

"I texted telling you I was on my way over, I thought you saw."

"Must've left my phone on mute, don't worry about it. Would you like a cup of coffee?", he nodded sheepishly, visibly upset and embarrassed about his behavior last night.

"Teacup, I'm really so sorry for the way I acted. 'S just that I wasn't expecting to see you and then I got really drunk because I was actually petrified of seeing you again and then I made the whole thing worse.", he took the mug from my hands and paced through the living room with it, skipping over boxes.

"You are going to fall over and break your leg. Would you please come sit down?", the surprising thing about this situation was that I was the calm one and I felt in control of the conversation, for now.

"For what it's worth I know I went about it the wrong way, but if I'm remembering correctly, I still stand by what I said last night. We should talk about this."

"Harry, we are talking now, even though I don't see a point in it. We already talked and it led nowhere. In fact, it led to a place even worse than nowhere – to us ending things. There's really not much to say.", he was growing more agitated by the second and I feared there was nothing I could've said that would've made it better, but what I did say certainly made it worse.

"But we didn't talk about it, we had a fight and you left. You left and you never came back, you never called.", his voice was nervous, but firm. What the hell was I going to do with him?

"You're right. I didn't call and maybe that was a mistake. I didn't know what to say to you since you were trying to force me into telling you I was in love with you and I had no idea what I was or am.",  I wasn't sure about a lot of things, but I was sure the truth would set me free with this one.

"I was not trying to force you to do anything. I just wanted confirmation that we were headed in the right direction and you refused to even toy with the idea of a future for us."

"That's not fair, Harry. You cannot know what's playing inside my head. You're going to shut up now and just listen, okay?", he nodded, a bit scared of what I was going to say next, "I've never been one to share feelings, especially not ones with romantic connotations, and you knew that. You also knew how much it took for me to give us a shot, a fighting chance, after all my would've-been could've-been broken relationships that convinced me I was unable to show love or affection. I tried. I called every day. I hugged you often even though I'm not a hugger. I held your hand in private even though I don't understand how hand-holding can make you feel closer to anyone. I let you spoon me even though I hate being so close to someone before I fall asleep. I travelled to Colorado to be with you even though I could've spent that week at home with my family. I fought the strong urge to bolt when that video about us got published. I accompanied you to the Brits and kissed you on the lips in front of everyone even though the idea of experiencing such a private moment so publicly scared me to death. I was doing my best. What you failed to understand was that me not saying I was falling for you did not mean that I wasn't. It just meant that I had my way of trying to let you know... telling you that you make my dreams come to life, introducing you to someone that is like a brother to me, exposing myself to the public and your fans just because I knew you didn't want to hide anything. I slowly started working on the 'feelings' part of the equation, the equation of self-love and happiness I spent years perfecting, that is. And what did you do? You made me believe I really was unable to feel an emotion so strong and so deep for someone. Why? Just because I wasn't ready to say, 'I love you' after two months of seeing each other.".

He stayed quiet for a few minutes, processing what I'd just told him. I needed a moment to process it as well, to be quite honest. I never got to the point of being this open with someone I cared about romantically. It usually ended before we even got to a place we'd have a conversation like this. I managed to tell him everything I was feeling without losing my train of thoughts or crying, which was a win in my book.

"I never thought about it like that, teacup. It really never crossed my mind. You're right, I messed up in Portugal, but I'm sure we can right that wrong.", his hand moved across the sofa and our fingers touched. I closed my eyes.

"You're not getting what I'm saying, Harry. I don't think I can be with you, at least not for now. I need to get my equation to a point in which I'd feel comfortable presenting it to a board of award winning mathematicians. When you say that you will be patient with me I need you to mean it. When I tell you I'm not good at this, I know why I'm saying it. It's not that I'm bad at it, it's just easier to set the bar really low in order not to disappoint you. I thought that if I make you think I am completely incapable of showing emotions then you would be pleasantly surprised once you saw that I could fall in love with you. It didn't work out that way and it'll take time for us to get back on track.", he agreed with everything I said, promising he would do his very best to not mess it up again.

"I need to make sure that it's clicking... this does not mean we are in a relationship. It just means I'm not opposed to the idea of us ever being in one again, okay?"

"Yes, yeah... I get it. I will not push you and I will respect your limits because at the end of the day you know why you set them where you did. If you'll be my friend again, I promise to show you I can love you without kissing you and touching you, without spooning you and holding your hand. I can love you as a friend and I can love you as a partner. I never want to lose your presence from my life again, it's too precious.", Harry's words were sweet, but I took it all with a grain of salt, knowing he told me something similar the first time around and it ended up as a colossal fail.

"Okay, I know. Now you have to go back home, have some breakfast, take a shower and a nice long nap. We will talk soon, okay.", I touched the side of his face with my palm and my instinct was to move closer to him and kiss him on the lips, so I retreated my hand and he kissed me on the forehead instead. The door closed behind him... I couldn't believe I survived this conversation. I was really proud for speaking my truth and letting him know he messed up, but I was also proud of him for stepping up and admitting to his mistakes. It feels nice to be on the 'right' side of a fight, but in the end it cannot be pleasant for the other party and I felt really bad for him. He had good intentions, he just needed to look past his own nose and come to terms with the fact that not everything would always go exactly how he wanted it to. That didn't make it any less valuable or sincere. It just made it a little bit more complicated, but that's what humans are. 

------------------

A/N: see? I told you they'd work through their problems, they're just not there yet. I was really happy with her monologue, it resonated with me so much since it's exactly how I would feel in a similar situation and it's pretty much what I'd say in her shoes (funny, cause I wrote it, huh?). 

TPWK (and vote if you'd like to help a girl out), always.

T.