Always You |harry styles| - completed

FORTY-EIGHT

Holly Dunn: Daddy's Hands

A/N: the next two chapters will be somewhat different for they will be internal monologues by both Harry and Thea. It feels important to delve into their thoughts and emotions a bit, into what they don't share with each other in hopes of figuring out how they really feel upon the baby's arrival.

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 Harry

I woke up early, earlier than I had in months and my eyes welcomed the most beautiful sight... my teacup, hugging that strange pregnancy pillow and sleeping so peacefully. 'You're angelic, my love', I thought. How was it possible to have so much love and so much fear inside me simultaneously? As Kaya's birth approached and baby equipment took over our lives I was nowhere near the end of my work-life balance dilemma. Every day I unpacked and put together some other contraption we'd bought to make our lives easier once the baby's born... a buggy that looked more like a spaceship than a comfortable place for a baby to be transported in, a weird swinging bouncer that I kept tripping over by the bedroom door, bibs and onesies with animals and different patterns on them, baby books that filled up the shelves in her nursery. With every item I put in its place I struggled to find a proper solution to the problem at hand. I was desperate not to disappoint teacup as a father and an equal partner in parenthood, but I saw no way to keep everyone happy. On the one hand, I never wanted to stop creating music and experimenting with sounds and verses. It was my passion for as long as I could remember and I feared letting go of that would mean letting go of a huge part of myself. On the other hand, the amount of love I already felt for this small creature that wasn't even born yet surprised me and shook me to my core every time I thought about it. Life would never be the same and there was nothing bad about that, it was just going to be a big change in how I lived my life. She'd have to be my number one... they'd have to be my number one. Fame and success were fleeting, family was forever. I couldn't ask for anyone's advice, because no two situations were the same. Both Liam and Lou had different dynamics with the mothers of their children and they didn't have to adapt to this new environment the way I'd have to. That doesn't mean that they didn't have it harder in some respects – not living with their kids, for example. But I felt alone with my thoughts even though I was aware of how teacup wanted to help and guide me through it. It's not that she couldn't understand... her life would change as well. It was more in terms of me not wanting to let her see how much I was struggling to figure out the balance I so desperately yearned for. I feared it would make her think I didn't want this family, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. The reality was, when she told me she was pregnant I experienced an emotion completely foreign to me. A mixture of happiness, hopefulness, panic that I'd be responsible for keeping another being alive, joy and love. Watching her transform into a mother was one of the greatest things I'd ever get to see. The way she handled everything life handed her with grace and poise blew me away every day. She'd come so far from the woman I met in Washington two Christmases ago... That woman was timid, she went back and forth between what her heart wanted and what her mind was telling her to do. She hadn't become less complicated, by any means. I just learned to read her and give her what she needed in any given moment. Breaking through her shell, peeling her onion would remain one of my greatest accomplishments for a long time to come. We went from walking atop a flimsy old wooden bridge to standing with both feet firmly on the ground, fighting for our love against all odds. No social media bullshit could break us apart, no news article about me cheating on her would ever condemn our story to its end. We were stronger than all that. The only ones that could threaten the strength of our bond were us. We held the power in our hands, everything we decided to do or not to do moved the pieces of the puzzle that was our love story. I never understood how complex relationships had to be before you brought children into the mix. I always thought that you had each other and you had your kids, but those two often overlapped and it would take a lot of strength and hard work to keep both afloat.