Unexpected // sm

Chapter 38

        We were sitting in Matthew’s hotel room, on his bed, watching a movie. It was just background noise, as he talked continually. I didn’t mind.

        “- I just want you to know that I love you and I want to be with you and I think that we could make it work and I think that you could love me over time and I think that you might actually be surprised at how well I can treat you and I want you to know that I would never hurt you like that-“ He couldn’t finish, because my lips were against his.

        He talked too much, plus I needed to show him that I felt the same, I couldn’t say it. I knew it would be hard for me to love again, but I had to try. I pulled on him at the neck of his shirt, and brought him closer to me. I needed him as close as possible. I lifted my mouth off for air, but crashed down again just as quickly. He slipped his hand to my back, slowly sliding his hand underneath my loose white t-shirt. He pulled me on top of him, and I gladly straddled his body with my legs. I bit his lip and pulled slightly, enough to make him smile deep into our kiss. I broke away, and pointed to his shirt, which he quickly took off and threw behind me.

        “We aren’t done.” He whispered and brought both of his hands to cup my face, and brought me back down to him. I felt a surge of happiness, knowing that someone wanted me for once. I smiled, and let my hands wander across his chest, and I moved my mouth to his neck. He gasped and I knew it was his weakness. After a minute of kissing his neck, I pulled back, and got off. I felt sick. Something was wrong with me, but I stopped myself from kissing and I got off. I didn’t know why. I quickly readjusted my shirt and jumped off of his bed, and left his room. I needed to leave. I was near to the point of screaming, and crying at the same time. I just couldn’t do it. Not with Matthew. 

          At the end of his hallway, I fell down to the floor, and stared at the wall ahead of me. I was broken. I couldn’t even kiss a guy, without thinking of Shawn. I was broken, and messed up. I knew I could never love again. Not like I had loved him. My eyes filled with tears and I let them flow, not caring about anything anymore. I knew this was the end for me. There was nothing else to end live for. I was broken.

        The man I loved, hated me. He didn’t want me. He thought I was trash, he had told me many times. Why couldn’t I forget about him? It wasn’t fair. Because of him, I was being held back. He was allowed to be happy, and all I was left with was nothing. Nothing. I was stuck here, and I would never get out of his love. I just couldn’t break away. I wish he knew the pain he was putting me through, but maybe he wouldn’t even care. What did I do to deserve this? I brought my legs to my chest, and let my head rest on my knees. I knew I had to go back to the apartment, but I couldn’t move. So I let myself sit there, crying harder than I ever have before. 

        An hour later, the tears were still falling, but not at such a quick rate so I decided it was time to leave. I walked back to the apartment, and quickly went to my room. I walked straight past Cam, and he didn’t say a word. I knew I had let him down, but I didn’t know why. I went to my bed, and crawled under the blankets, where I couldn’t be hurt anymore.