Unexpected // sm

Chapter 49

        We were still standing in my apartment, his face inches from my own, his eyes glaring down on me.

        “It’s your fault. If you wouldn’t wear such small clothing and weren’t so fucking gorgeous, maybe I could concentrate on my own life and wouldn’t have you in my head every second of every fucking minute!” Shawn shook his head at me, his cold stare continuing. “You could be wearing plain sweats, and then you have your hair all messy, which is sexy as hell, and you’re still hot. Like, stop being so fucking selfish. You don’t have to drive me crazy on purpose every time I see you, Kenna!” 

        My head pounded, was he being serious? This was my fault? I looked like shit, and its my fault that he psychotic enough to think it’s sexy? 

        “I’m not even doing anything! I have sweatpants on with a tank top, this is my apartment I’ll wear whatever I want. It’s not my fault that you can get hard by looking at me. I’m not trying to turn you on, trust me. I would love to disgust you if I could. The last thing I want is you looking at me.” 

        It was true, but I was surprised to hear myself say it. I didn’t want him looking at me. But only because I felt revolting half of the time, I realized. It amazed me that he could say I was gorgeous. How much could someone lie?

        “You can’t change it, and that’s what I hate about you. It never goes away, and I can never turn my eyes off of you. You’re fucking perfect, but you’re not my perfect. You’re everything I want, but I can’t have you.” Shawn’s words were short, and filled with anger. 

        

        “You can. You always have been able to. I’ve been waiting for you for two whole months. I know it’s not the right thing to do, and I might get even more hurt in the end, but I need it. You need it. We can’t let it go, and you know it. Maybe this isn’t true love, maybe it is. How will we ever know if never give it a proper chance?" I sighed, looking him dead in the eyes.

        "I don’t care if we end in a week. I don’t care if we stay together for the rest of our lives. But we need to try again. You know we do.” I bit my lip, unsure of his answer. I knew it was true, I hated to admit it, but we couldn’t ignore what we had. We still had it. 

         His face turned red, a smile appearing. “Everything happens for a reason. This will either be a miracle, or a lesson. Either way, we win right?” I nodded. I was surprised at his sudden mood change, but I didn't care.

        “So, what’s going to happen, Shawn? I just don’t want us to be strangers for the rest of our life. But at this point, I don’t exactly have much left to lose.” I said in a small voice. I wasn’t sure if this was what I wanted, because I was afraid of how it might end. But it was true, I didn’t have much left to lose at this point. I had gave him all I had, might as well give it to him again. 

        I know some people would think I’m crazy. I know some people would say I’m stupid. But they don’t see it like I do. I know exactly what I’m getting myself into, but I can’t pull back. This is what I need to do, and I’m going to go through with it 100 percent. Why would I get back involved, if he already hurt me so badly? Well, because, I crave him. Even if he’s hurting me, it means I’m with him.

        Shawn laced his fingers with mine, saying, “What I want is you. Even on your bad days, even if we are fighting, screaming at each other. I can’t stay away, I want you. I want to try this.  Alright? I want you to be my Kenna again, because I’ve missed you so fucking much.” 

         He pulled me into a tight hug, so tight I could barely breathe. He pressed me against him so tight that I felt his heart beat. My feet dangled a inch or two above the ground, but I felt like I was flying. 

        It was insane how happy he made me. It was insane that I still have these feelings for him. I had hated him, so much, but now I understood. I didn’t hate him for what him changing, I hated him because he let me go. But I was with him now. I would be, I wanted to be. 

        “What happens in a month?” I whispered in his ear as he gently set me down. “I’m going back to Missouri. You’re going back to Toronto.” I hadn’t thought of this. In about a month, both of our lives would pick up again. He would be back in the studio, probably twice as much.

        “I’ll rent an apartment in Kansas City, if that’s what it takes. Near you. I can work from there, there’s a studio downtown I’ve used before. I’m not going to be apart from you, no longer than a week, for as long as we are together. Whatever it takes, until you graduate. Then we will decide how we will work it out, alright?” He said, in a deep voice. I couldn’t believe it. He would do all that for me? He would wait for me to finish school, even though he finished last year?

        I nodded, “Okay. I’ve missed you, Shawn.” I felt tears crawl down my face, but it was okay. I wasn’t sad, these were tears of joy. I had him back. I got him back. My everything, was once again my everything.