P.S. I'm Dying

GABE

GABE

Napangiti ako nang binuklat ko ang unang pahina ng journal ko. I wrote this entry when I was 13 years old exactly when I was in 6th Grade.

Exactly the first time I saw him.

Exactly the first time I thought I was dying because maybe, I've seen an angel.

He was my savior in that school full of brats and bullies.

It felt like eons ago and a lot of things have changed since then, but what I feel for him... it's still the same.

The way I can't sleep without thinking about him;

The way my heart races whenever I see a glimpse of him;

That's still it.

It never changed.

"Buhay pa pala 'yan. Nirerelive mo ba lahat ng nangyari sa'yo dati."

I rolled my eyes hearing my ate Rizanne tease me. Nasa pinto siya at nakadungaw sa akin. L

"Get out!" bahagyang sigaw ko na tinawanan lamang niya. "Hoy, Gabriella Anna, if it wasn't because of me, hindi mo na mahahanap pa 'yang diary mo, ha!" depensa naman niya.

Napailing na lamang ako, "Hindi 'to diary, Rizanne!"

Lalo siyang natawa sa akin, "Talaga lang, ha? Pa-postscript, I'm Dying ka pang nalalaman diyan? Ta's di diary? Ulul mo, Gabriella."

My jaw dropped hearing her exact words.

"My God, Rizanne, you read my journal?!"

I reached for the throw pillow beside me and aimed it at her head. She immediately crouched down protecting her own head. I waited for her to check when I'm going to throw out the pillow. Ibinato ko agad sa kaniya nang iangat niya ang ulo niya. Napatayo siya sa gulat at nagmamadaling isinara ang pinto upang mailagan ang pagbato ko. Napailing na lamang ako sa pagkatsismosa ng big sister ko.

Rizanne is my half-sister. Magkaiba kami ng tatay, but she never let me feel na hindi ako belong sa family nila. Siya na rin ang best friend kong maituturing despite our almost ten year gap. Pabata rin kasi siya, at tila ba mas mature pa yata akong mag-isip kumpara sa kaniya.

Bumukas muli ang pinto.

"Anyway, Gabe, are you coming or not?"

I cleared my throat. This time, I know na seryosong usapan na kami.

Lumingon ako sa pinto at tinignan ang ate Rizanne ko, ang half-sister ko na siyang nakakaalam lahat ng pinagdaanan ng puso ko sa kaniya noon. I tried to get something from the paint of her face.

Gusto ba niyang pumunta ako? Will it be okay?

Will I be okay?

Isa pa't, it was already a long time ago. Full of missed opportunities and heartbreaks. I'll get nothing from it, dahil noon pa ako nito inubos...

I sighed.

I held up my hand for her to stop on her tracks, bago pa siya makapasok sa kuwarto ko at mapilit akong pumunta do'n.

I'm going to think thoroughly about it. Gabrielle Anne Francisco decides better when she thinks it through, combing every detail in the process. Also, I wouldn't want to make a hasty decision. Hindi ko pakikinabangan ang magiging resulta no'n, dahil baka ako pa ang siyang maging talunan sa huli.