Confessions of a Queen Bee

5

I was definitely right. Today was a bad one. Maths and English were so long and all I could feel were Max's glares as if they actually had heat in them. Max was the kind one of the group, I guess me messing with their group dynamics really heated his fire. Whoops, I guess. Jackson was also in my class but I'm pretty sure he didn't look at me once, but he doesn't really give a fuck about anything. He just exists with the group. 

Nora was beside me just wittering on about some random girl in our year that apparently went with them to Max's after the police were called to Jayden's. According to Nora, all the boys found her really funny and now she and her friend have been sitting with the boys.

I haven't noticed them sitting with the boys because I kinda refuse to make eye contact with that table.

I try not to think about it but somehow my teenage girl mind, even with all the shit that's been going on, I somehow end up feeling jealous. That Jay might be able to move on from me when it's going to look like I can't. He's able to look at other girls and not feel fear. That girl, that Nora's on about. It makes me feel queasy. 

I can't help but feel that this girl is probably way prettier than me, probably has much better control of her hair than I do, probably hasn't ever slept with anyone. Whereas me I'm the complete opposite to her, and it angers me because she's probably totally untouched and is probably a nice bloody person and I'm just here used and literally nasty.

"Ivy, are you even listening to me?" Nora asks me, there's slight irritation in her voice and this surprises me. I almost like how since I've gotten quieter she's been more vocal to me.

I've been listening to every word she says, about this new girl and about how she has annoying nice light brown hair. But because I want her to think I don't care I reply-"No sorry."-and unlike normally where she laughs, shrugs it off and continues rattling on. She doesn't even reply. She just sighs and looks back at the board, carrying on with whatever equation we're meant to be doing. And I remain quiet, trying to follow along with the work. It's pretty impossible.

...

After math class, we start to walk towards where we eat lunch and thankfully Nora has started to talk to me again. I much prefer my head to be filled with her rambling thoughts rather than my own.

People move for us as we navigate our way through the lunch crowds. The corridor is wide but not when all four boys are walking in a row a few meters in front of us.

I hear someone whisper to their friends as we pass by them. "Why doesn't Ivy James look like Ivy James anymore? She looks like she's turned into a nun." They all laugh in response and I can help but look down at my outfit. It's a summer dress with a cardigan and although no skin is shown above the lower thigh, I thought this was something I would wear beforehand. I guess I'm going to have to dress sluttier tomorrow.

Emerging out of my thoughts I see that the boys have stopped by Jayden's locker, the little brunette is waiting for him there and I take in a sharp breath. She's annoyingly pretty. In an innocent wide-eyed way.

Jayden catches my eye and I swear he almost snarled at me. I quickly move my eyes from his and look at the others.

Then the hairs on my skin stand to attention.

It was like I was punched. 

No, no, no, no why is he here? He's not supposed to be here. I stop dead in my tracks and grip Nora's arm. My breath has already been swallowed by my stomach and I can feel is swimming, hiding in there.

Why is Layton here? His back is to me and I feel such a rush of emotion it's physically and emotionally exhausting trying to keep it underneath the surface.