Confessions of a Queen Bee

10

Nora's mother found condoms in her bag. Therefore the movie night got cancelled. 

Which was fine with me, I was emotionally fucking exhausted.  

And the rest of the week went pretty quickly. We rearranged to meet for movies tonight instead. Nora's parents got over it pretty quickly. Apparently, they scorned because that's what they thought they should do, then they talked, realised she was being safe and was educated and realised they were harsh. 

Therefore it's a Friday night and instead of going to a party, or out, we were going to have a quiet night at Nora's. 

I have been in an obvious funk since my conversation with Jackson, we haven't talked. Or seen each other really. My parents hesitantly agreed for me to do something other than chill at home with them tonight. The sickness I was feeling in the car from the other day, hadn't really left, it is still pretty present but that might just be hunger over the fact I've hardly eaten today. The thought of food makes me smile and my mum chuckles at me.

"What are you thinking about?" She says as she drives me to Nora's.

"Food." I said sheepishly, before all of this she used to encourage salads and healthy living. I feel like I'm not the only one who has had a reality check. Everything I felt was so serious before, really isn't now. I just want to get back to a place where I enjoy myself, whatever it is I'm doing. The restrictions I once set seem feebly in relation to my want to actually live my life.

"What are you guys going to eat?" She laughs lightly at me.

"I don't actually know." I place my hand on my stomach "Whatever it is, I hope it is soon though."

"Arent you going to the store to get snacks anyway? You could pick out something then?"

"Yeah they are but I'm coming after."

"Oh, how come?"

"I just wanted to nap when I got home a bit, they all went around to Nora's straight away."

In reality, I was still a bit scared to go to such a public space. The school was difficult enough but I know I have a lot of control there. I hadn't yet been to like a shopping mall or even a supermarket after that night and I'm worried that it will be too much. 

The thought of it being crowded, or getting lost or even being eyed up by random men makes me uneasy and I'm not sure how I would react. At least at school, I know where to hide.

I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy. I keep questioning that lately if the worries I have are rational? Because before I would have thought they weren't, but now I know I should have been more careful I should have taken measures to prevent being in such a vulnerable position. But I didn't.

My mum hums in agreement with whatever we were previously talking about and turns down Nora's road. It's funny because I've never been here to just 'hang out'. We've been friends for so many years but the only time I have ever been here was during a party or to get ready for a party. Talking about parties, there is one tonight, obviously, I'm not going, they wanted to. But Nora said that she didn't want to push her mum, after such a rocky week and I jumped on that and said we should do this instead. They all thought it was a good idea. I was mainly just trying to get out of the party, I do not need anyone finding out that I am afraid of being in that environment again.

We pull up to Nora's house and my mum pulls me into a gentle half hug from the side, "Its so good that you are spending time with friends honey, make sure you have fun."

Smiling at her, but withdrawing from the sudden physical contact I nod.  "Thanks, I don't know how long the girls stay for, they might be sleeping over. Is it okay for you to pick me up about 9 or 10?"