Confessions of a Queen Bee

17

 I walk past Max and Jackson, not knowing how to form any words that would be of any use. Is it normal to feel so defeated after flashbacks? Is it normal for my whole body to just feel numb?

I stumble towards my car, I'm in a sort of daze where reality seems to be so far away from what I'm actually experiencing. Almost as if I'm stuck inside this bubble but instead of it protecting me, I'm just stuck on my own, without anyone else being able to see or feel or understand what's going on.

I sit in the driver's seat. I know I shouldn't drive home. The world around me still seems a little dazed and otherworldly. I just need to get home, I need to talk to my parents about everything.

About what Luca said, about how I feel. 

"Ivy."

I hadn't even heard him open the car door. He's crouched down beside my car door, it swung open, him looking concerned at me. 

I try to smile at him.

I can't.

"How long was I in the bathroom for?" I ask. I need to know how much time I missed.

"Ivy you were in there for like ten minutes. I was going to see if you were ok but then Max was talking and saying all his usual shit and I- "

"Ten minutes?" I exhale. That's a pretty long time to be out of it for.

"What happened?" He can't help but ask.

"N-nothing." What was I supposed to say? I constantly feel like I'm lying, but how can I tell the truth.

Can you imagine- so basically, Jackson I blanked out and was punched in the face with everything one of your best friends did whilst he attacked me.

"You can tell me you know. Are you okay? You don't look ok." He sighs, obviously frustrated.

"Did you drive here?" I breathe out, closing my eyes for a second in full-body tiredness. Not having the energy to sit here and chat anymore. My words are slow and lack any sign of emotion. Not because I'm covering but literally just because I don't have any right now. Other than exhaustion.

I don't feel anything. 

"No, I walked from school."

"Can you drive me home?" I know it's a bit of a weird thing to ask. But I know it would be dangerous for me to drive.

I can feel his eyes on me as usual, but they're not piercing my walls this time.

"Yeah, jump out."

I reach for the handle and swing my legs round, Jackson standing and watching me, giving me room. My eyelids are so heavy. I feel my body moving slowly but I don't really know what is going on. Everything seems so hazy.

"Jesus Ivy." Jackson says suddenly standing in front of me. I feel so drained of energy. My body is literally crashing.

I can feel his hands on me as he walks me back round to the passenger side. His hands feel so different than Layton's did. But the fact my body remembers to the extent I can contrast the two brings me closer to the edge. I'm not sure what's over the edge right now. But I know I can't survive whatever it is.

"Hands. Off."

I register his sigh of frustration as he quickly removes his hands. Without the extra support, I almost crumble to the floor. But he catches me before I get there.

"Ivy I'm sorry, but two seconds and then you'll be in the car." I guess he's apologising because he has to help me in. I am such an utter mess it is mortifying. Somehow, I can still feel that- sheer embarrassment.