Confessions of a Queen Bee

Chapter 37

*SORRY IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS. LIFE KICKS YOUR BUTT SOMETIMES AND YOU NEED A BREAK* 

Also, i am fifteen comments away from 1K comments so if you guys could please leave me your feels id love that very much. 

Thanks

 I Hope you enjoy:)

I was done way before Jackson, I didn't dwell in the shower literally just washed and got dressed. So now, it's almost midnight and I'm waiting for Jackson who's still showering.

Sat on my bed I was stressing, like majorly freaking out. Because we shouldn't have kissed and I am almost annoying myself for repeating over and over in my head that what just happened downstairs was so stupid.

Because i knew it wasnt that stupid, that i wanted to kiss him and that i was happy when he closed the gap between us. So why am i punishing myself so much?

I mean I knew I wasn't in a place for a relationship and I doubt Jackson was, or even wanted that from me. So why am I stressing?

We kissed. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy.

But I am a bitch for leading him on aren't i? 'Show me', what the fuck did I think was going to happen. For god sake.

And now my stomach is feeling all these kids of flutterings and i knew my body was just giving me a dodgy stomach because it's punishing me for getting close to someone again. 

Oh shit, wait, maybe these are butterflies?

"Ives..." Jackson surprises me and as I look up at him. He's stood in my bathroom doorway watching me stress. A soft smile is on his face but I can tell he's concerned. 

Which is even more annoying because he doesn't have to be concerned! I'm fine! I'm just questioning my life choices.

"Hi." I squeak and then close my hands over my cheeks in embarrassment.

Jackson's dressed in sweats and a cotton t-shirt. He looks comfy and he looks so attractive that it makes me want to cry. I really shouldn't be feeling the way I am, surely?

Dr Halpin says it's ok, that I'm doing good. I feel a mess of conflicted emotions to be honest.

"Are you ok?" He exhales a laugh and goes to charge his dead phone, crouching down by the side of my bed, plugging it in and then looking back up at me.

"Yes. I'm good." I nod in determination. Don't freak out Ivy, It's all good.

"I can tell when you're just trying to be ok.' He shakes his head, his eyes rolling slightly. "Are you overwhelmed about what happened downstairs?" Jackson says hitting the nail on the head and perching on the window seat opposite me.

"Maybe a tad." I say sheepishly, smiling apologetically.

"I don't blame you it was a lot, especially with everything that's happening at the moment. I really didn't mean to lose myself in you like I did. I know that it's too much for you."

I frown a little. I mean yeah, that's part of it but honestly, the stress I'm feeling hasn't got anything to do with Layton. Well, it does, everything always comes back to the fucking assault. But I mean more because I can't give him what normal girls can.

It's like when he's near my body forgets everything that it's been through, but then when he gets too near when he goes to touch me in places that are scared in my brain as things that Layton took it just freaks me out.

But he didn't trigger me, not like that. It's not how he thinks.

"This shit Jackson is way more complicated than I can even get my head around so I don't expect you to. You didn't trigger me, like at the end maybe a little. But it wasn't like what you're thinking. I think I was more scared because I wanted you to... you know. And that freaks me out. And also I feel so fucking bad because I keep trying to friend zone you and then leading you on. Like honestly why are you still here." I say this, my hands still covering my face.