Confessions of a Queen Bee

25

"Ok, Ivy. You remember how I said we were working through a cognitive processing scheme?" Dr Halpin says as he lowers his glasses to peer at me.

"Mhmm." I hum in agreement. CBT in response to trauma. 

 I didn't want to be here today. Jackson went shortly after dinner last night, and I saw him momentarily at school today as he asked me what time he should pick me up after therapy. Usually, I come here straight from school and leave about four-ish. But according to Dr Halpin, today could be a shorter session depending on what I wanted.

Which sounds a little daunting. 

"This week I have to ask you to do something that almost all of my clients find a little difficult and distressing."

"Oh God." I mumble. My fingers playing with the ends of my hair as I get nervous. The feeling in my stomach getting tighter. 

"This week I want you to give a detailed description of the assault, writing down exactly what happened. Then I want you to read to yourself what you have written at least once a day. Find a place where you're not going to be disturbed, where you can feel and express your emotions as you want to."

"You want me to write it all down? Why?" I say confused, I've already told him what happened.

"I know it seems impossible but the fear you feel right now about having to go through it all again is part of the reason why. By exposing yourself to your memories voluntarily, it may reduce the fear you feel surrounding the event. It might also help in levitating the panic you feel after flashbacks." He says.

"So you want me to describe to you what happened?"

"I want you to write down every detail you remember, everything you felt emotionally and physically."

"That is a lot." I say, taking a deep breath. I was never one to write my feelings down on paper, never one to be able to express what I was feeling very well.

"I know, that's why this session is short. I don't want you to write it now, you can do it whenever in the next couple of days. When you come back on Monday, we will go through it together if that is ok?" He asks.

His office is a lot more minimal than Mrs Granger's, the walls white and mostly bare. But I like it, it feels less claustrophobic in a way, it creates such a more clinical professional feel to it. Although, I definitely prefer Mrs Granger. She doesn't set me bloody homework.

"How are you coming along with the other project I set you?" He asks me referencing the whole 'You need to fall back in love with being alive' thing.

I shrug in response, telling him what I am doing to work towards that. "Um not too bad, I'm actually going out tonight to do just that."

He smiles, I guess at my compliance. Of course I am taking this advice, it's not like I'm going to ignore him. I need all the help I can get. Obviously. 

"What are you doing?" He asks. 

I feel my face scrunch a little at the thought of Jackson and the thought of the fact I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing.

 "I actually don't know, my friend is helping me out with it, he decided to surprise me."

"Your friend?"

I nod at his question. Yes, Jackson is my friend. I think. Like I am pretty sure we're good. 

"How do you feel around him?" He asks, getting off the topic and I frown a little confused with why he is asking me that.

"What do you even mean?" I retort as my body starts to feel a little on edge, wobblily. 

I realise I'm afraid that Dr Halpin will disapprove of our friendship. How stupid is that? That the thought of not being able to be friendly with Jackson is actually having a physical effect on my body.