Confessions of a Queen Bee

15

Seeing the doctor was pretty awful, she ran over all the injuries that they recorded on the night of the incident and wanted to see how things were healed. They had healed pretty well apparently. Apparently, I was doing well. They had to re-examine certain areas that I'm sure you can imagine triggered me into an almost state of panic.

I managed to breathe through it though.

Which is something I guess.

I can't believe that I was able to get through what they did in the initial exam. They gathered all the forensics, from literally my toes to my scalp. I was probably still in shock, I can't remember feeling anything.

Thankfully, all tests they ran came back clear. They put me on a course of antibiotics for the first two weeks anyway, but they were able to confirm that Layton hadn't given me anything. Anything apart from these emotional scares at least.

Which is such a relief. I got my period as well last week, which I had never been so grateful for before in my whole entire life. They said that I was doing physically very well but obviously they started asking questions about my mental health. Which was a lot harder to talk about than I anticipated. I was so used to talking about it with Mrs Granger but once I had to speak about it in front of a stranger it was so unnecessarily difficult.

They decided to keep me on the anti-depressants. I don't even know if they're helping but they said that it might be more dangerous to take me off them at the moment due to the symptoms of PTSD that I was displaying. That's that bloody word again. I don't know why I hate the thought of actually being diagnosed with something, I obviously know that there is something wrong with me. But the thought of it actually being something that stays with me is devastating. The idea that the effects of this is actually going to change my life forever is awful, because right now it still just seems temporary. Like it might seem like denial, but a part of me still believes I will go back to the girl I was before that Friday.

But I do know deep down that I won't, I can't. I don't even like her anymore. I feel as if Layton has changed my entire soul. My direction in life, my life chances.

Is that crazy?

And is it crazy that sometimes a tiny part of me knows that it's not such a bad thing? That I wasn't a good person, that my life wasn't necessarily heading anywhere good. What was I going to become? Some trophy wife maybe? A dance teacher, cheer coach? Hanging onto the popularity I once had. But how can I feel this way? I hate Layton for what he did to me, obviously. But I don't hate the person I am becoming.

I'm driving back towards home when I get a text message. Now I know you're supposed to ignore it when you're driving but I honestly am so shit at just waiting. Inherently impatient, I pull over on the side of the road to check my messages.

Kinda surprisingly, it wasn't from one of the girls or one of my parents, it was from Jackson.

Jackson: So, my mum is now celebrating me making a friend. What have you done?

He is so dramatic.

Ivy: Just trying to convince you this is a bad idea is all

Jackson: you're right, I wholeheartedly take it back

I frown at his message, knowing he's probably joking but just frowning at the idea. I still don't really know why he wants to be friends, but the thought of him backing out is pretty shit. I don't know if you have noticed but, I'm a little scarce for friends here. Let alone new friends.

Ivy: I'm driving go away

Jackson: Where are you driving too?

Ivy: I'm heading home.